A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,My boyfriend (24) and I have been together for about 7 years. His mother never truly liked me. She told him I was ugly from the get go and expressed her jealousy in vicious ways. It is only until recently that she started warming up to me. Buying me nice gifts, calling me, etc. something changed I guess. As I've gotten to know her a little closer, I've discovered that she's very harsh. She calls her son and husband the A word in public, makes crass and sexual comments aloud, she curses up a storm anytime I'm there and she has taken a liking to calling me a "f****** b*****, jokingly, believe it or not. She is very loud so it comes off extremely harsh and uncalled for. I've told my boyfriend that I find this completely unacceptable, that nothing of the sort EVER occurs in my household but every time, he tells me that I need to grow a thicker skin and that she's just joking and she says these things because she likes me. I should mention there is somewhat of a language barrier and she basically yells these things to me with a heavy accent. I don't like this (and it's not the cursing, but rather the way she yells it across the room to embarrass me). Thing is, she's the alpha female in the family so nobody ever corrects her language or tells her to tone it down. She would be saying something along the lines of "hey Amanda, you f****** b****" and I guess I'm expected to laugh?I get that some people are different and are louder, more obnoxious, etc. but why does my boyfriend try to make me feel so awful afterwards when I bring it up? He is never on my side. And these things really do get to me but I feel so alone in the way that I'm feeling because he makes me feel guilty. What can I do? Please help!
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male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (12 June 2016):
Consider these things as your relationship moves forward, because these are things you can not ignore. Your boyfriend might think he is right for his own reasons, and you would feel the same given a different situation.
The larger issue might be the fact that your boyfriend can not see things from your point of view, or maybe he can not stand up to his mom. Or his mom does not know how to accept new people into the family.
These are very important factors you should keep in mind because it will affect you forever. If you can not find a middle ground or a method of resolution, then you would have to ignore forever, or let it be an issue forever.
I would continue to raise this issue with your boyfriend if I were you. Let it be known that this is indeed a problem.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2016): Oh and if your boyfriend says you need a thicker skin one more time, tell him you are not a rhinoceros, you never will be, and that's not acceptable. But again I go back to she's been a horrible person from day one you know this, you put up with this for seven years what you think is going to change? She's not going to, your boyfriends not going to. The only one who can change your situation is you, and the best thing you can do is get the heck out of there
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2016): Do you want this woman to be the grandmother of your children? I wouldn't I would've dumped his butt the first time his mother said I was ugly and he didn't defend me to her. He's been conditioned by a nasty woman, and you're being conditioned as well. I think it's like grooming kind of like a sexual predator kind of thing. Only she's the one who's decided she's in charge. She's a nasty piece of work. If you allow this woman to be the grandmother of your children shame on you
Get the hell out of there before you think this is normal and just because she's foreign or something gives her permission. No. Get the hell out
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A
female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (11 June 2016):
 Wow. I wouldn't much like this either. It's not about thick skin but rather, respect. Now, people all over the world have different views on humor, but I have not yet ran into culture where uncalled for insults to another person was funny. My boyfriend and I play around sometimes and do use "insulting words" but we both are comfortable with it and have agreed never to say them in anger. I think your boyfriend isn't realizing how much it bothers you, he is totally disregarding it. I hate that excuse "you need tougher skin" no, I like my "skin" as is and I need your mother to know this bothers me. You weren't raised like that, it'll never feel quite right. If he can't understand or respect your feelings, I don't see this lasting. He is your man, his role is to protect, support and respect you. I don't see the harm in him saying something like: "Mom, I love you, "Theresa" loves that you and her are getting closer too, she's happy. But you know she's not used to how we say and do things so could you please just not call her out of her name? I don't think it makes her comfortable." That's it. Starting positively always helps when bringing up a topic. If you feel comfortable enough, maybe you could talk to her? Again, start with the positives, how glad you are that you're getter to know her better etc and then, tell her a bit of how you feel. Only if you feel comfortable though!
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (11 June 2016):
 One of those "monster-in-law" situations. I wouldn't stand for my boyfriend invalidating my feelings about it - not correcting her is one thing, but pretending you're overreacting isn't what a supportive boyfriend should do.
This woman will be in your life for the rest of hers, if you stay with him. Can you handle those decades of her attitude and, more importantly, his lack of understanding and support of how you feel?
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