A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a very hard time taking care of my 14 month old daughter when my GF (her mom) is mean to me. Not big things but like putting off feeding her for 10 minutes while I try, and try to make things better between us. I'm the type of person that can not stand to walk away from an argument w her until things are settled. Not her. She needs space and time. She becomes a different person and won't talk to me kindly or stop insulting me if I did choose to pretend to ignore the painful beratement. I did a lot of what she says when she hurts me w but has claimed to have forgiven me. At that point my mind loses focus on our daughter which irirates her more than anything. How can I block out the hurtful words and focus on taking care of my daughter. She views this as poor fathering. Perhaps it is. I want a family though. I do try and block it.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 December 2014):
 You say that your gf needs "space and time" when she's mad to sort things through and YOU need to resolve it HERE and NOW.
I used to be a HERE and NOW person till I married my space and time husband.
I LEARNED that walking away and letting him have his space and time is to my BENEFIT. Yes I stew over things while I'm waiting for him to be ready to work it out but if she's putting off feeding the baby because you are badgering her to resolve an issue she is not ready to resolve you are hurting all three of you.
If you can't put the needs of your child and your partner ahead of your own then your not ready to be a partner or a parent.
I agree that some counseling together (and alone for each of you or just you if she won't go) is in order.
In MOST cases, couples counseling is 80% figuring out how to communicate with each other.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2014): I assume that you both live apart, but share raising your daughter. You have to understand how deep her pain goes; and when she has to face the person who inflicted that pain day after day, it may not be easy for her to forget.
Forgiveness for some people is just a word. They say they forgive you, but harbor deep resentment; and spend a lot of time trying to punish you. Some things you do to people take a long long time before they can heal from them; your very presence is a daily reminder of everything you've done to hurt them. Some people take years to get-over a breakup.
I would suggest that you both try to seek couple's counseling; because she is far too resentful to allow you to peacefully spend time with your daughter. It's selfishly all about her, and her feelings. Needless to say, engaging her in verbal-combat isn't helping. Sometimes you just agree and let her vent her feelings, and allow her to get things off her chest. No matter how abrasive or abusive they seem. If they contain a grain of truth, I guess all you can do is shut-up and listen; until she's tired of hearing herself. Meanwhile, play with the baby to lower the room temperature. Constantly remind her the baby hears everything. They don't understand the words, but they sense the tension and anger.
She's talking from her pain and hates that she's bound to you only through your child. She's unable to move on, and her days revolve around dealing with the thought of you still in her life, but not on the terms she would prefer.
This is a tough suggestion, and I hope you'll be kind about it. When the toddler has crossed the two-year mark, you should seek unsupervised time to be alone with your daughter. Meaning time she lives with you solely in your custodial care. If you can provide a safe and stable environment for your child, there should be no reason you shouldn't have alone-time just for the both of you.
If you already have this option, then the problem is the fact you can't walkaway from a fight. You don't have to respond to her ranting. Your guilt puts you on the constant defensive. You're not proving your manhood by standing up to an upset woman in-frond of a baby! You look like a monster to the child, as well as the woman in pain. She's no angel, but you know exactly why she's so pissed-off!
Women don't easily forget. They are emotional-creatures, and do not handle their feelings the same as men do. They openly express them, and rightfully so. Their power is in how they get their point across,and their determination to change their environment to suit their needs and satisfaction. They are relentless at it.
We men tend to dismiss the terrible things we do, and wonder why they don't just get over them. When the shoe is on the other foot, men can be just as emotional; and even if guys don't verbalize as women do, we act-out our frustrations in negative ways. We pout, refuse to reason,
ignore them, talk down to them, yell back, or just disappear. Most spiteful act of all, flaunt seeing other people to shove a spike in their hearts.
If you neglect to pay your child-support, you're rarely around; and you never allow her time to have a love-life, while you place 99.999% percent of childcare and financial responsibility for your daughter on her? Dude, her words aren't just hurtful rants of a scorned female. They're her frustrations and protests, informing you of your neglect and irresponsibility toward your child. If you're a some-timey daddy, she's going to lay it on you. If you've been a tool throughout all the time you've been together; she's never going to run out of material. You screwed the wrong lady, pal!
Keep this in-mind. She thought what you used to have was forever. She gave you a chunk out of her life, then bore you a child. Whatever you did to her, is going to be in her face as long as you share a child between you. You have to block-out the hurtful words; because your daughter means more to you than anything.
Turn the hurtful words around into something positive. The truth hurts. If you've been neglectful, insensitive, mean, and cheated on her once upon a time. Take your shots. She'll get tired of herself. She's as mad at herself, as she is at you. She feels she has failed. Misplaced her feelings, and thinks her friends and family see her as a failure. She got the child, but lost the man. Immaturity plays a big role in her behavior towards you. If it happened many times from other men before you, you're absorbing it all. People can't be angry forever. It's exhausting. Sooner or later, they just have to pipe-down.
If from nothing but pure exhaustion.
Understand where the anger comes from;and you'll be a lot nicer to her, and the next woman who enters your life. You will also be more sensitive to how you want guys to treat your daughter in the future. Learn and understand more about women, and how they deal with pain and emotional distress. Learn more about how to be a better man in order to set a good example, and be a role-model for your own daughter. She may meet someone like you someday. How would you want her to deal with him?
I'm not making you a villain. I'm not saying she is right.
Dealing with distasteful relationships with exes who share children, first starts with understanding where their anger and pain is coming from. Understanding the type of person they are. Then convincing them that no matter how you feel about each other, children come first. They didn't get to choose their parents. It's not their fault they were born!
Then you become proactive in rebuilding fences by taking steps to make peace. She most likely requires personal counseling; because she's full of anger. Suggesting that to her is going to send her over the top, and will make life for you twice as miserable. Mediation for both of you is required, in order to make your visits sane and civilized around the child. Her fits of anger are having a negative impact on the child, as well as you.
When I say mediation, I mean there are times when you have to seek legal-action in order to make people behave more civilized when you can't reason with them. You have to try every reasonable remedy you can, like family-counseling. In order to help her to find the healing she needs, so she can move on.
If you're currently dating, and having a lovely time being single; you have poured salt on an open wound. She is scorned by the very air you breath. So if you have to suck it up and take it, do it for your daughter. You can't get through this without professional-counseling and mediation.
She doesn't want to give you peace; because she is hurting too much. Either that,or you're being a dick. So you find another way.
Get professional family-counseling for both of you. If she knows you're actually going out of your way to show you care about her and the child; she'll be able to heal, and you both will find peace. If you're callously going about your life as though she doesn't mean sh*t to you; she is going to prove how difficult she can make life for you.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (1 December 2014):
You'll do more harm thanks good if you stay with your gf and set such a bad example for your daughter... If you don't do something, who do your think your daughter will grow up to be like?
You guys need counseling, talking about these kinds of issues is pointless, they won't get fixed unless you change things in a more drastic way.
If she doesn't agree to counseling (research the best way to ask) then you HAVE to leave her and seek split custody.
If you don't leave her (or get counseling) You'll be unhappy for the rest of your life and your daughter may be too.
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