A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Seven months ago I had a social life, a girlfriend and things were going well. Sort of. Beneath that, I was always rather discontent. The relationship was turning sour, and after high school ending my old best friend and I were drifting apart.So I became somewhat depressed at the idea of change. I won't lie. I acted like a asshole about it. Anyway, bitterness was accumulating from all sides. Then, my girlfriend broke up with me and started dating my best friend two weeks later. I always had issues with betrayal and trust, so following that I broke off contact with both of them.After that, I spent the summer alone, mostly. I spoke to another few friends online, and that was it. I steeled myself up and vowed that I'd be make lots of friends at university which I was starting that September, and prove to them all that they didn't crush my spirits.So I started university.Four months later and I haven't made a single friend. I can talk casually to one girl who is my partner for a class, and I can talk to people during labs, but it's nothing beyond civilities because we're in the same room. I don't crack jokes, I don't have discussions about anything people my age do, I don't talk outside of what's needed.I've basically become somewhat of a loner. I do not have a clue how to start a social life. Or I do, but I can not bring myself to do it. I know I should join a club or something, but I keep putting that off. Also, once people get to know me, I'm witty and talk quite a bit. I have strong views. I'm not some boring blank slate. But the thing is I come across as one because I don't have the confidence to use my personality around new people.Also, my one friend who I talk to a lot over the Internet and I haven't been getting along recently. He's got a social life currently (he also used to be a loner) and his current attitude and behavior doesn't really gel with me. This is probably cos I'm currently alone and he's not.Also, I do tend to self-sabotage relationships a lot. I always find something to be discontent about and then complain about. Any advice on how I can become a sociable person without needing to compromise my personality to happy-happy-happy? (I do like the dark side of me enough to not want to eradicate it -- it helps with my writing.)
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best friend, broke up, confidence, crush, depressed, the internet, university Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2008): careful you will get old before you know it, and have no life long friends, don't play with people emotions, it's not healthy, you sounk kool, so try just making some witty conversation with your contacts you have now !!
A
female
reader, Fairy_Lu +, writes (13 January 2008):
 Well you know what you want you know what you need but just want to know how to get it all right? Your at university and the main thing i know about students is most of them are pretty social and like a drink, invite the girl you talk to in one of your classes for a drink tell her to bring her mates, i know your putting off joining a club but the more you put it off the less likely it is that you will join people who join clubs are there to meet people there as nervous as you you have to really try to be more social interacxt more talk to people in your classes about more things then work crack a joke anything,i dont know what else to suggest but good luck let us know if anything changes
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2008): Perhaps you just need to get involved in more things around you so that you meet more people. You could start a hobby or join a club or you could just try to hang around with people and get involved in conversations. The more you put it off the harder it will get!
You don't have to be happy-happy but it nice when people smile. I've got a best friend who kind of has a dark, sarcastic side to her (not really rude or contemptuous or anything just witty!) and her comments can really make me laugh!!
Just try to be yourself, relax around people, and have a good time!! x x x
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A
male
reader, Dazzerg +, writes (13 January 2008):
 Well whether drinking is a good idea depends on what effect drink has on you, its possible it will make you more morose and introverted (personally, i find what effect drinking has on me depends on what mood i am in when i'm start drinking) and besides that i'm not sure establishing drink as a social and emotional crutch is necessarily a good precedent to set.
You actually know what you need to do and you know you can do it, you just don't want too because you are scared of being betrayed again and thats the root problem and thats what you need to address. I don't think you lack too much for confidence in yourself from what you have written here, it's other people you have lost faith in and their ability to accept you for who you are.
Obviously you were let down badly (something you seem to feel you had a hand in) but you need to realise that not everybody is the same, sadly if you dont take the steps that you know you need to then you will never have the opportunity to do that. I know you dont want to totally lose your dark side but neither do you totally want to 'live' in it. Start by taking small steps so rather than become a social starlet overnight try and establish a small but select close circle of friends; start with this girl who you seem to be tentatively reaching out for, if you dont want to talk about yourself take an interest in her and ask her questions about her day or what she likes. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2008): You have got to quit sabotaging your friendships cause if you continue you are going to keep making friends and keep losing them. Do you think that you are sabotaging your friendships because you don't genuinely like the people that you are befriending? It sounds like you have some judging standard looming over you perhaps adopted from your parents criticisms of others, which is not letting you fully enjoy your friends without you feeling like they are not good enough. I think you should work that out. Nobody's perfect, but some people are alot more perfect than others. So maybe you should hold out for meeting friends who are very compatible with you. And lighten up! Why are you so bitter anyway? Its not worth it. Obviously people around you can sense your bitterness and are probably thinking you got a bug up your ass. You need to change your attitude. Ask yourself why you are so bitter and angry. And try to work out that issue. It is hard to make friends if you are giving off the impression that you are angry. I am not suggesting that you be fake and put on a fake smile all day but I am saying that you should genuinely stop being so angry and lighten up.
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A
male
reader, pasc9  +, writes (13 January 2008):
 dude im currently havin the same exact type of problem. I play on the football team ,and workout, and i haven't made many friends, so don't feel bad. I guess just talk to some people, or those who talk to you, and try to start a conversation. then tell them about your situation, and maybe get their phone number or screename, and see if you can get a bunch of people together to hang on a friday night.i can't garunte anything tho, cuz im having the same exact problem and I don't know what to do.
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A
male
reader, xylplxym +, writes (13 January 2008):
You know you are very much like myself personality wise. I underrstand the whole lack of confidence, self-sabotage, discontent, feeling alone thing because I am like that. Now look, i could be wrong, but the key to gaining friends and confidence is not always in being all "happy" all the time. I am probably the most unsociable, mean spirited, ass of a person you could ever know yet i have many friends. So no need to worry about compromising your personality; acting like your self is the real key.Now I was very fortunate enough to have been noticed fairly early on by people in school who later became my freinds. I was noticed at first mostly because of my high grades. Personally i gotta love being the smart guy because you meet others who are singled out for being smart and meet people by helping those who aren't so smart, met one of my closest friends that way. So for you, since you say you are a good writer, I suggest you find people who are also good writers and try to strike a conversation. And it couldn't hurt to find people not so great at it and offer some help. You don't need personallity for that and it helps building confidence alot as you talk more and more. Eventually you won't be afraid to act like yourself around them or anyone else. I don't think you want to hold on to your depression just because it inspires your writing. I admit I perform better academically when I'm depressed but I still avoid it as much as I can. Feeling good inside is inspirational too if you let it happen. Don't drink. depression + dpressant = more depressed + no control (not a good combination and usually leads to suicide)Just be patient with yourself; find other people who like and do the same things you do and just talk. Doing that much will go a long way confidence wise. And never turn down an oppuritunity to help someone. Feel free to talk to me too if you wish.
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A
male
reader, jm81690  +, writes (12 January 2008):
 Do you drink? If so, you could just goto a bar sometime, you're bound to meet new people, after you get a few drinks in you won't mind using your personality.
But if you don't drink that option kind of goes away. If you work out more and get into better shape (not saying you're out of shape, but you can alwas make yourself look better) you're bound to feel more confident.
Drinking caffeine could help also, seeing as to how it makes you slightly more outgoing and whatnot.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2008): There are plenty of people who feel the way you do. Although it seems as though you are alone, you are not.The first thing you could try is to join the uni debating society. To begin with, you can take a back step and just listen. When you feel particularly passionate about something, you are then more comfortable in your surroundings to join in, even if initially just to agree with someones POV. Also there will naturally be quieter members of the society, who also like to listen and hopefully you will be drawn to each other. How about volunteering opportunities?Knowing a person/organisation is so grateful to have your help can act as a confidence boost. Perhaps on your first social occasion, have a glass of wine to help you relax a bit. Its not putting on an act it'll just make you more comfortable. And don't stress and over analyse everything, just go for it
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