A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Here goes.... I am a single Mum and have had a very difficult year emotionally. I was with a guy for one year, supporting him emotionally, helping to look after his son and basiclly opened up my life to him. I was studying for my final placement in a school. I have never felt love back from anyone like him before. He was slightly jealous and lazy around my house. Never cooked, just played his guitar! Anyway, he was brilliant with my son and as my sons father doesn't see him, I was grateful for this male influence. He had recently moved here, had been dumped by the mother of his child and knew no-one. We met and had the same love of music. He knew that he wanted to move away to start a teaching career in music in a popular city at a very popular college. The life style there was great and surrounded by wannabe musicians and all forms of arts and people. I supported him in everything he set out to do. Helped him pack, lifted his depression about leaving his son. Anyway, I was just staring my final teaching practice at a very difficult school and found out that we were pregnant. We were both over the moon. He had moved by now and I hardly saw him. I bled and was in pain for the first 10 weeks, eventually losing the baby. I sent him a text as he was lecturing, he replied 'never mind, our time will come'. He didn't speak to me at all that day. I eventually sent a text late at night, and he couldn't understand why I was annoyed at him not calling me. He said his mind was on work and thinking about something nice we could do that weekend. I was upset, hormonal and weak. I also had to leave my last placement of teaching with only two weeks to go. Therefore not passing my degree. Obviously I was very very low. He did not seem to understand this at all. He eventually came to see me 8 days after I miscarried. I was still in pain emotionally and physically and not at all happy with him, for his lack of support and comfort. Yes, he sent me flowers appologising for not calling me the day it happened, but to me, that was not enough. When he eventually saw me, he picked up my son quite roughly, my son was crying anyway, and basically cried even more as he couldn't breathe properly by the wrapping round of 'ex's' arms. When we got back to my house, I got my son to sleep and my ex asked me for food ...... I saw red! I needed comfort, a hug, some discussion about losing the baby as he hadn't mentioned it at all. Just that one text message. He could see I was fuming (lots of reasons, paying for food seemed like enough then to me)....So I snapped at him "You hurt my son", I stared into his eyes and he was shocked by what he saw. The pain, the hurt, the anger that was now reaching boiling point. We did not argue. He told me he 'didn' need this' and walked away. I never saw him again. Just one text message (again) to say that it was over, he had to move on..... I broke down. I lost weight. Couldn't sleep and couldn't cope. I had lost him, my baby, and my degree. Three things just before my birthday.. I was devistated.I hope no-one goes through what I did. Ten year prior to this I was involved in a very serious car crash and paralised my right eye. It took a long time to get over this, or even begin to start to. I had to change career, take 2 degrees and cope as a single mum. I met him. He was my future. He asked me time and time again in our one year of being together to marry him. I could see the love he had for me in small gestures, the way he looked at me for one.Since then I have completed my degree. I don't feel as proud of this as I should, as the grief is clouding this achievement.I seem to now be obsessed with him and his life. He is a musician and I can easily see what he has achieved through his web site. I can see that his new girlfriend is also a musician and very pretty. He is doing what he wants to do, in a great place with a pretty girlfriend. He has left his son miles away with the mother and hardly sees him. All of this should make me hate him for what he has done to me. I just feel jealous. Jealous of the fact he has got a great new life. That he can go out and meet 'intersting' people, meet somebody new, without the responsibility of children.We were a ready made family, him, his son, me and my son..... quite stressful when I had spent a lot of time on my own. He was grateful for everything I did to help him. His mum, my parents could see how much he loved me...I got it wrong. I can not get over him, nor do I understand what happend as he never explained. I snapped because I was emotional and grief stricken. I usually am very calm, happy and together but losing the baby threw me completely.I just want to move on. I am finding it very hard to be happy again. I should not look at his web page, but I think I am looking for an explanation when there isn't one.I should hate him, but I don't. He is a coward and weak... So why am I obsessed with his life? Is it because he left me for that? I can not compete with a new city, new people, new friends. I am lonely as I don't get out as much as I would like. I am lucky, I have a lot of old good friends. I am surrounded by family, all with partners and a good few children! My son has no siblings and I feel guilty about this, no dad, (he was young and hides away on a Island).I am sure reading this you will think 'get a life and move on' - 'there aren't always answers'....AgghhhhhhI really believed we had the rest of our lives together, that is what he made me believe before the lights of a city by the sea grabbed his attention. He wants to be famous, to play at festivals, to be 'known'. He had no friends when I knew him. He now seems to be surrounded by them.I have not messaged him, contacted him. He owes me money, I did ask for it back shortly after he walked via a message, and he said I had no proof. Bearing in mind I supported him financially for a year. I wasn't even asking for any of this back. Just his share of the car insurance and to pay for the scratches on the paintwork, which at the time he said he would pay for. He won't pay. I can't prove it....So, obviously there are two sides to every story. I must have done something wrong, but I don't know what it is.So, HELP!! Why am I looking on his web page? It only hurts me more. Why am I not moving on . . . .This question is far too long....Sorry......My family and friends say that what he did was cruel.He now has new friends who think he's wonderful.He has created a whole new life, and I need to carry on with my life, not create a new one, but to be happy and content in the one that I have..I know that he has spoken badly of me to some new friends of his. I know that one day our paths will cross and we are both interested in the same types of music. I want to be strong for when, even if, this happens.
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flowers, jealous, money, move on, my ex, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Arcada +, writes (3 February 2008):
I understand what you are going through. My partner, who told me he was totally in love with me one day, walked out the next day leaving me with a 4 month old baby and 2 children from a previous relationship. Guess what???.... He is in a band and wants to be famous!!!!!
In your situation, you are still young and you will meet someone else! If he truly loved you he wouldnt have left. It sounds like he cared about you but was using you.
Look at this as a lesson. These men dont realise the damage they do to the children left behind and we are left to pick up all the pieces.
I hope his career goes down the pan.....but look at you, you have a brilliant career in front of you!
You are better than him and a brilliant role model to your son!
Good luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2008): I think it would help for you to talk to a professional about your feelings. I know it is hard for you to see this now but he has moved on. It is not his fault you have a child to take care of on your own and he has left his child with family. In the future he will regret this but if he doesn't it really does not matter. Look for the good things in your life you have a child you love. You didn't end up married to a man that does not put you first. I would rather be alone than to have to see someone who does not care enough to call. If this is the way he is before you marry him imagine after you get married. I would surround yourself with family and friends and trust me he is not a good catch. He is not trust worthy he does not want to pay you back and says you can't prove you lent him the money. You are better without him.....
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