A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi all. I have a question. I have been dating a fabulous guy for the last few weeks. We have been on some great dates, and he is treating me like a queen. He;s attentive, romantic, kind, thoughtful and bright. However, we do have a language barrier difficulty - he is Hungarina and I am English. We understand each other about 80%, and he did say at the beggining that he realises this could be a disadvantage. Anyhow, I am the sort of person that thrives on conversation so it could be difficult in the future. However, my question is this.. I have been crazy for this guy for the last few weeks, and miss him terribly when I am not with him. I have had sex with him twice now, but I now seem to be losing my motviation for the whole thing in the last day or so or should I say- I am starting to have doubts, and feel uncertain and I do not know why as he has done nothing wrong, and everything has been perfect. Is it normal to feel these doubts creep in so early on in a relationhip? I am wondering if i am afraid of commitment, or am simply trying to find ways and faults with him so I can be single again - although this is not what I want. I am also wondering if he is enough for me.... I cannot understand how I have gone from feeling so in love, and high to so flat in the space of 24 hours.He is a lovely man, and I do not want to hurt him. Is this normal ? please help!! Nxx Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2011): I am in a relationship with an Indonesian girl, I'm American. Our barrier is mainly just the cultural differences. I'm not sure why I have doubts about marriage because I feel like I love her. My feelings for her go up and down like you, but most of this is explained sometimes by something not even involving your relationship. Ask yourself, what is causing my feelings? Am I tired, bad day at work, hungry, angry at somebody else? I pray that we will grow together. I am often frustrated because she does not like the things I like, but we respect each others differences. Is our love forever, and real love? That is the question, but you will know. I am patient and waiting for my answer also.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2010): Dear anonymous,
I think what you were experiencing in the initial stages was pure physical attraction, as you say yourself, there is a language barrier. You don't mention how old this guy is, that could be a key point. Him treating you like a queen as you put it, does not mean you will automatically fall-in-love with guy and not see any cracks appearing. You obviously feel there is something underlying that's causing you cool..If things, meaning that intangible chemistry where everything fits together like a jigsaw puzzle, isn't there, and that is MORE than the physical, people can go from hot to cold overnight.
It takes more than physical attraction to make for a long-term relationship. What his is background, yours, do you have similar social skills, type of friends, lifestyle, views on life, and the same relationship goal?
If your looking for faults, then perhaps it just isn't right for you, and perhaps do you actually prefer being single, as you ASK yourself the question, are you afraid of commitment. I presume you have been married or lived with someone, as you're in the age range 40-50. But, only you can know what is normal, well normal for you, to feel.
I know some people can jump very quickly into dating someone, become physical, without first really knowing the person. The commonest error people make when dating is leaping in too quickly,and then discover 2-3-4 months down the line they have nothing in common, neither of you want the same things, by which time you've become emotionally
involved.
Ok he's a lovely man, a lot are, but that is no reason to remain with someone, it has to be right for both people. And as for not hurting him, gosh, it is a part of life, you can't go around in life never being hurt, if you did we wouldn't grow emotionally. When people date they have to accept NOT every date will work out. Providing you are straight with him, sensitive in the way you tell him, IF that's what you want to do, then it is better than misleading him, now that is hurting someone.
Jilly x
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (4 June 2010):
You're not in love with someone you've only known a few weeks. What you're feeling is an intense attraction to him. It is natural for either person in a relationship in these early stages to withdraw and question their feelings. It's normal. What makes the difference between a relationship that works out and one that doesn't, is how he responds when you withdraw, and how you feel about the relationship once you have withdrawn. It may be that what you call love was just a superficial attraction to what you saw in him initially, or it may be that as you get to know him better, you become attracted to him on a deeper level and this eventually will lead on to love. Just try and have lots of fun times and not over think what's happening. As long you are enjoying each others company, it is building familiarity. Your relationship will naturally evolve and some feelings pass, others begin. Just enjoy the ride and let things sort themselves out.
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