A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my SO for 4 years. I am in my mid 20s and am fully ready to start a family. My SO is almost 30 and says he wants he same thing. I genuinely believe him, but he's been saying this for the past three years, and I cannot help but question why he's taking so long to take the next step. Our relationship is very strong, we are on wonderful terms with each other's families, we support each other through ups and downs, we discuss future goals and dreams, we have common interests in our future, etc.Last year we talked about moving in together (We currently live separately, with our families). I told him it would be best to move in after I graduate from University, when I am more financially independent (currently 90% of my work earnings go to pay my tuition). I also told him that I would like a committment before moving in together, as that would make me feel more comfortable and secure with my relationship (I know some of you may not agree about being engaged before living together, but I have had my values for awhile, and for me it is the only step). He said he shared my values. Well, now it's almost a year since we've had that conversation. I graduate in April, and our proposed move-in-together date is in May.As selfish as that may sound - yes, I am expecting a proposal. I've been expecting one for the past couple of years. I treat my SO with nothing but respect, and I go out of my way to show him how much I care about him and love him. I always am the one to initiate the conversations about our future plans, and about us living together. May is only 3 months away, and to be frank - it seems very, very, very far, judging from how things are looking.This particular situation has me in a complete emotional breakdown. To make things worse, Valentine's Day is 4 days away, and I am just a complete wreck. I think about this constantly lately, and I just get this overwhelming feeling of sadness. I feel sorry for myself (I know this is compeltely selfish, I know...) But I cannot help but question, why is it taking him so long? I began doubting myself some time back, questioning of what it is that I may be doing wrong... the thing is, in my heart, I am completely confident in myself, I know I am a wonderful, caring girlfriend, and I know I deserve to be proposed to! I also am completely un-materialistic, and he knows that. I told him that my grandfather proposed to my grandmother without the ring, and they were the happiest couple I've ever known. I told him that the ring is completely not important to me.I want to solidify our relationship, I want the symbolism of engagement, the solidity before marriage can occur. I've been with this man for 4 years, and I love him with all of my heart. In my heart and soul I want to be with him. I miss him dearly because we only see each other once a week now (due to our living and working arrangements). This is beginning to be the cause of several arguments, mainly stemming from me.It just feels, for a long time now, that engagement is the only natural step...but it just feels so overdue!I am 95% sure that nothing will happen this Valentine's Day, he hasn't mentioned anything and when I asked him if we're doing anything he just said, "sure we can go out to dinner if you want".... I know that I will be compeltely dissappointed this Valentine's Day.Can anyone relate? I'm looking for some advice on how to deal with this situation, how to be more patient, how to be more rational about this.
View related questions:
engaged, grandmother, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2013): He is being very unfair by not at least discussing his reasons for holding back, particularly since he led you to believe he wanted the same things as you do. It sounds as though he is fobbing you off to be honest. That is unless he is very good at hiding the surprise and he has got something planned for some time soon. Either way, I think he knows you are not going anywhere so he can wait if he wants to. If I were you I'd change tactics slightly and watch to see how he reacts. First of all, stop mentioning engagements, proposals and valentines day altogether. If anyone else mentions it don't act happy or sad about it, just stay neutral. In addition, start doing a couple of things you don't normally do, such as going out with your girlfriends, changing your appearance with a new outfit, haircut or bikini wax, or take up a new hobby. Anything really as long as its for you and not him. The combination of you completely dropping the subject and changing your routine will be enough of a change in your behaviour to make him wonder what is up with you. He will start wondering why you are no longer mentioning it and if it means you have changed your mind. If he is intending on proposing, then realising you could get fed up waiting and walk away (even if you have no intention of doing so) should hopefully spur him into action. I know it seems a like game playing, but sometimes people take their relationship for granted and it's only when they fear they are losing it they make the effort. However, if he isnt intending on proposing any time soon then you will have to prepare yourself to either accept things as they are or move on.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (11 February 2013):
 What is going to happen in May when it's move in date and you don't have a ring or a proposal. Will you move in with him? If he knows you want a proposal that's serious before you move in and he does not give it to you and you move in with him, you have lost any and all leverage you may have had.
Do you want to blackmail a man into marrying you? Because I think that's what you have here...
BTW I totally understand not moving in without a proposal. IN fact, I would stay not to move in without a formal engagement and some time frame for the wedding.
You are with a 30 year old man for four years...IF he wanted to take the relationship to the next step I can assure you he would have already!
While I'm no prize I have been married a few times.
the first time I was 21 he was 23 we dated about 2 years and got married.
same for all the other husbands.
My current husband is 39 now. When we met he was a happy bachelor and he told me point blank.. "I'm never getting married I do not believe in marriage marriage is stupid"
NOTE he's my husband... know why? because marriage is stupid till you meet someone you want to make that commitment to... marriage is stupid till a man falls in love.
our very close friends got married in September. First marriage for both.. he's 52.... just took him a while to meet the right girl.
BTW, if all you want is the engagement what will you do if he springs for the ring, proposes, moves you in and in a year is still hedging on when to get married?
I don't see this ending well based on my life experience.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (11 February 2013):
 I a little surprised that you don't see this for just what it is....
HE has all he wants... and does NOT intend to propose to you and take on marriage.. since he has all the "pleasure" trappings of marriage (You and he ARE intimate, are you not???) WITHOUT the real obligations that are expected of a guy who enters a marriage....
You may stay with him as long as you wish. You and he may take a common address (live together) for who KNOWS how long.... BUT... the "bottom line" is that he has what he wants.... and YOU don't (have what YOU want)... and he has no reason to change how things are between the two of you...
P.S. That bit - in your submittal - about how you and he have "talked" about such matters... that's all fluff. We guys know that we sometimes have to pander to you girls in order to keep the initmacies coming.....
Good luck....
...............................
A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (11 February 2013):
 Why does engagement have to create the security you need for your relationship? If you have trust in the love you two have, it will happen when BOTH of you are ready. You have the rest of your lives to be settled down. Cherish the time you have now in continuing to deepen your love, get to know every little thing about the other while living together (which IS an adjustment), and remember, it's the journey, not the destination, that counts.
...............................
A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (11 February 2013):
Yes i see where your coming from re your problem with your boyfriend .At this stage of the relationship I would have a long indept chat with your boyfriend and ask him excaly what the situation is for both of your futures.Just SIMPLE PLAIN ANSWERS ARE REQIRED AT THIS STAGE.Otherwise you will stress yourself. Best Luck Nora B,
...............................
|
