A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I need advice on how to get my working relationship back to normal with my ex ...I married my first girlfriend 15 years ago, and I suppose like in all marriages we had our problems, but they eventually wore me down so much that I could see no point to even try and address them.At my lowest, 12 months ago, I started to talk about them to my closest friend and work colleague who was having issues in her own marriage with a controlling and occasionally violent husband. I suppose the support we provided each other brought us even closer together, to the point where we started an affair 6 months ago.The affair was passionate, and the dreams we seemed to share for the future gave us both the strength to start our own divorces only two months ago. Mine more complicated because it involves children, hers much easier without even any need to split assets.Within a week of her husband moving out she ended our affair, claiming both to need space and a reluctance to enter straight into a new relationship.A fortnight later, and with very little contact with her, I have reasoned that while I left my wife because I felt no love for her, she left her husband most likely because she felt he did not love her enough, and wants to find out if he can change. Being confident that she values her independence too much, I very much doubt that a full reconciliation is likely.So, after working through the inevitable rejection, optimism, and anger that the break-up has caused me, I'm left in the difficult situation where I need to maintain a close professional relationship with her.Ideally I'd like to remain friends with her, but really not sure how possible that can be when she represents all my fantasies and dashed dreams in one go! And as we were just fairly exclusive friends originally it's very difficult to work out how much to 'reverse' our relationship (txt / email / phone / meeting at breaktimes etc). Perhaps in a few weeks we'll have naturally worked out a new equilibrium, but I need advice on how to get there more quickly before my job suffers!We both have very good jobs in a very good company, and have to work alongside each other in a small team, and in person a couple of times a week.And yes, still feel like I love her ...
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for advice peeps!
By way of an update, seems she's just as sensitive to the fact that we've still got to work together, and is keeping communication just a little more familiar than purely professional. Which helps. And it's true - gets easier every day - especially considering the boost to own self-confidence I got out of her interest in me in the first place! Much easier to "Stomach it" now.
Think I understand a little more about her motivation for calling off the relationship now too. The dependant controlling husband knew exactly how to push her buttons, and while she's told our boss she's "talking things over with him", I'm now confident she's more aware of that and is working up to going it alone. He's out of the house, and their divorce is still proceeding. Thank God.
Further, it now seems that a big part of her decision with me was also about 'appearances' at work - with a personal history like hers she'll be desperate to avoid being thought of as a marriage wrecker - especially by our boss, who it appears found out about the affair via email, either from my estranged wife, or her husband. His words to her: "By all means have your fling, but just be sure you're with the right person". Her subsequent words to me: "We don't want it to look like we left our spouses just to be with each other". Those unexplored comments more than a month apart and either side of our break-up.
However, I still can't turn off the feeling that I care for her, but at least now I'm fore-armed and hope to be more cautious if she ever makes advances in my direction again.
Living and Learning.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2010): I feel for you. Just suck it up. Be sting, aconowjedge how awkward. Concentrate on work. Take care if yourself, if it was meant to be it will work out, if not? You will get over it.
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A
male
reader, DeadEyeDick  +, writes (7 January 2010):
 Well bro, I know I preach only a couple of things in all of life, hardcore! on is NEVER!!! have any kind of relationship with a coworker, other then a working relationship, my professor taught me that not only is it a bad idea, if you like your job its a fatal idea, but youve already dove in, people seem to connect to people they work with, I believe because when your around someone 12hrs a day everyday for so long, it's human nature that feelings will develop, all I can tell you, is stomach those feelings, DO NOT PURSUE HER ANY FURTHER! she's obviously not! on your wavelength! and you have no idea what she's doing mentally, and if she did this shit to you, without you seeing it coming, all you can do is speculate why she did it! fact is you really have know clue what her intentions, or motives are, you have no clue if she's a nutcase, or her divorce was the straw that broke the camels, back, just cause youve been banging her doesnt mean you have any idea who she really is! and youd probably better just consider yourself lucky, as it is very obviously not, what it appeared it was!
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