A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My wife has been battling vaginal issues for about a year. First, they thought it was yeast, now they think it is bacterial vaginosis, the dr's think she may be allergic to her own estrogen, etc. It's very complicated - and I have read the doctor reports and know she isn't pulling my leg that she's had issues for a year. She is very uncomfortable "down there." So you can probably figure out where I'm going here ... how do I even approach her for any sort of intimacy without throwing her into a negative spiral because she knows she can't go all the way, and will possibly be uncomfortable whatever we do? And how do I do this in a way that doesn't come across as selfish?? This whole situation has been getting her down - not to the point of depression yet but really, it's been going on for a year, doctors are disagreeing about what is going on, and she is worried that it's something else, something worse, that everyone is missing. I am really intimidated and am holding tight here letting our intimate life just go by the wayside. I mean it's not like I don't touch her, I give her massages all the time (just not sexual massages), we have a good relationship otherwise, I do quite a bit around the house and with the kids as she works a couple of evenings/week and I work days. Our love life was not that great since when our first child was born (6 years ago) but at this point I'm really struggling because the layoff has me wanting her every night (losing sleep over it) and I know 99% that she wants nothing. So .... should I approach this or continue to hang tight for a few more months when her current treatment regimen is scheduled to conclude?
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female
reader, LustyLisa +, writes (16 September 2010):
That's a tuff spot to be in for both of you and it sounds like you are very patient and understanding. It has to be so frustrating that her Dr's haven't been able to correctly or fully diagnose her problem(s) so no treatment has been effective. For your wife, every time she attempts intercourse and it's painfull for her, only perpetuates the pain cycyle which sets her up for continued pain with future atempts. BV can be serious and take a long time to clear up, so abstinence from IC is crucial to insure that she can clear up quicker and once and for all.
It's extremely important that you both are willing to keep the lines of communication open. Your wife has to know and accept that you have needs and you both have to be willing to take vaginal intercourse off the menu until she's cleared from her treatment or specificly told by her Dr when she should try again. My husband and I went thru something similar 15 yrs ago after the birth of our 2nd child. I had nearly 4th degree tear in the perinuem, almost to the anus as well as an anterior vaginal wall tear. Both required extensive repairs and lenghty recouperation as well as required no vaginal intercourse for almost 5 months. At the 5 month mark I had a tubaligation which required another 6 weeks recovery. During those 6 1/2 months my husband and I carried on as much as possible with kissing, fondling and pleasing each other orally, by hand and toys until we were abe to have vaginal intersourse again. Even when we got to try IC again, my husband massaged my perimeum with Vit E oil, something my Dr recommended that we use during the healing process to reduce the impact of scar formation, loosened me gently with finger stimulation before inserting his penis, and always went slow and easy until I was completely comfortable. We were not successfull the 1st few tries but we gradually was able to complete the act with allot of patience and understanding going both ways.
This doesn't have to be the end of your sexual intimacy, you both just need to take a step back and look for ways to extend intimacy in other creative ways. Good luck to you both and best wishes for a good outcome to come from this set back.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSeptember 13 anonymous, great advice, thanks!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2010): I'm gathering you feel uncomfortable even attempting to coax your wife into sexual activities (either through begging or stimulating her) because you feel it would be one-sided in that only you would be ultimately gratified, not her. But this may not be the case. The first thought that jumped to my mind is that many women can achieve orgasm through breast stimulation. I can attest to it that breast play is the single-most erotic thing a man can do to me, and it also gives me my most powerful orgasms. If you want to slowly get her back into thinking sexual thoughts, you need to take her focus off her vagina for a while. It is NOT her sole source of pleasure. Please her, get her to feel sexual again, and she'll be apt to please you too. What I would suggest is, next time you're giving her a massage, start moving your hands over her breasts and slowly ease into kissing and suckling them. Don't remove your clothes! Try to maintain eye contact with her the entire time (eye contact is highly erotic and one of the keys to female orgasm, yet still undervalued). Don't be afraid to get rough with her breasts if she seems to be enjoying it. Sucking hard, nibbling, and lapping the entire area with a flat tongue all feel incredible for many women. Don't forget that many women are more sensitive in one breast, so if you know which one it is, pay attention to that one. Don't move wildly from one to the other; focus on the one that will bring her the most pleasure. If her vaginal condition is not also giving her pelvic pain, you might apply some pressure to her pubic bone with a hand or your body. These are all likely to give your wife much pleasure and make her feel not only wanted for her feminine bits, but like she can be pleasured (and give pleasure) as a woman, even while her vagina is out of commission. Hope that helps!
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (13 September 2010):
 There are more than one ways of touching a woman to show affection and desire. Whisper into her ear, caress her skin, show her you love her and she'll know you aren't being selfish. Kiss her neck, there are many ways to make a woman feel things without ever even going near her inner thigh, but perhaps, that may help. You don't need to actually have vaginal sex until after her treatment concludes but that shouldn't stop you from being intimate.
I hope that helps.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2010): The vagina isn't the only way for you guys to sexually satisfy each other. She can give you a hand job, or a blow job.However, she is scared about what is going on with her, and probably isn't thinking about sex. I would recommend approaching therapy with a counselor and after a few sessions (maybe even the first one) sex will come up. The main thing is your marriage doesn't have to be in trouble to go to counseling and every marriage can benefit from better communication. Counseling will provide this opportunity. Having a third party to bounce stuff off of is always nice too.Good luck.
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