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anonymous
writes: Is it wrong to feel like you love your ex too much to be friends. I mean we go out to dinner and laugh and talk as friends but when her phone rings or she gets a text and smiles it still really stings and I still dread the fact that she is talking to someone else even though she feels she has to protect me by not telling me. I love her dearly and talk to her mother daily but is it possible that I just love her too much to be a friend if we can't be together???
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question Well I have tried to sort it out and she wants no part of that. She is content. She says she loves me very much and is enjoying being single and I wish her the best but in the same sense I have to be okay and I'm not. I have to do whats best for me. I think us not speaking or talking for awhile will help me get thru this. I have to let her go TOTALLY. If she comes back we can talk but no guarantees. I will just go and start dating other women. I get offers all the time, I just don't do it because it feels like I'm cheating. I will move on. Thank You all.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (18 June 2006):
 It's not wrong to feel that way. In fact it's OK and really, really normal. What it means is that not enough time has passed for you to accept the change in your circumstances. It's too soon for you to try to be friends, especially if you're still in love with her.
Think about this problem if your best mate said to you "I want to be friends with my ex-girlfriend, but it hurts to watch her get messages from her new man". What's the obvious thing you'd tell your mate? You'd say, "Well, don't hang around her so much then, and don't try to be friends yet."
You need to be realistic. You got dumped. You're still in love with her, though she's not in love with you. She's moved on, and you can't. Yet.
All those facts make it plain that you need to give yourself time to grieve and get over this. When you've come to terms with it, then -- if you want; there's no obligation -- you see if you can stand to be friends with your ex. In the meantime you should NOT see her for coffee, and try to convince yourself that it can all be the same. It won't because you haven't adjusted yet, and trying to pretend is just going to prolong your suffering.
It may be the same in six months time, or in a year. You may find that you can never really draw the line at a platonic relationship, and that it will always "sting" to see her with someone else. That's OK. It feels like crap, but it's still OK. But six months from now, if you let yourself grieve, and try to move on by seeing other people, you won't feel such a sense of loss and hurt.
That's where you should set your goal: at feeling OK about the break up. Don't worry about being "friends". That's not part of the contract, and in real life, only a tiny percentage of people can do that anyway.
Hope this helps.
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male
reader, byteback +, writes (18 June 2006):
 this sting is quite common, i know at this moment how u mean. the best thing to do, is try tot hink of the other possibilities, there are so many. even if she is talking to this person it maybe for a completly innocent reason. its is the only way i seem to get by. sonner or later it will stop affecting you as much (so i'm told)and u may find it easier to be friends. p.s dont let your mind wander to that way of thinking, u'll regret it
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2006): hey wow slow down...you sound pretty obsessional. So you've been hurt in the past, just cos yr ex gets a text and makes her smile, this means to me that you have a lot of unresloved problems with her.Just talk to her if you can sort it out and get back together. best of luck.
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