A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:How can I be a less bullying parent to my eldest daughter??I'm 33 and I have a terrible relationship with my daughter. I suffer from severe PMT and currently have post natal depression since I had my baby last year. Since I got out of hospital last year with the baby the relationship I had with my eldest just broke down completely. There doesn't seem to be a jealousy problem with my children although there was at the start - my eldest daughter is 7 and the baby is now 11 months. We were really close before the baby and now it seems that everything she does pisses me off, she makes loads of noise and I get angry and shout and say many things I don't mean and I know it will upset her but I can't seem to control it. How do I break the cycle of being nasty to her? I was brought up in a very abusive home and my parents were both like this to me - am I repeating their cycle or is it my PMT - I currently take antidepressants but they only take the depression away, not the anger/tantrums. My husbabnd is out of ideas to help me, other than to see a psychiatrist (VERY reluctant) - I have some nasty psycholgical scars from my upbring which cause me to sleepwalk and have night terrors - I don't want to force that sort of problem onto my daughter. How do I stop it?????
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2007): Why are you reluctant to see a therapist? I really think the antidepressants are a great start, but talk therapy is needed if you have unresolved issues from your abusive childhood, and yes you are repeating their patterns of abuse on your daughter....this is your issue, not hers. At age 7 little girls are about as sweet as they come, and they look to older adults to emmulate and get their confidence and self esteem from, so you are wasting precious years and doing some real harm to your daughter...if this does not motivate you to seek help from a professional, then I don't know what will. I like PhD level Behavioral or Cognitive Behavioral therapists...You could ask for a referral from your family doctor or mental health organization...someone that does family practice would be a great help as well.....talk to more than one until you find one that you feel likes you and cares about your issues.....and then give it a chance.
In the mean time, if you feel yourself getting angry and annoyed with your daughter, walk away immediately, go to another room and calm down until you feel better. Spend some quality time with your daughter just the two of you, take her somewhere where you can have some fun together, not shopping per se, but maybe a zoo or an amusement park, or a history museum, what ever you both are interested in, hold hands, stroke her hair, look into those adoring eyes, smile and tell her how proud you are of her, what a fine young woman she is becoming, and tell her that you love her, apologize to her too, for any irrational, mean thing you said to her recently, kids need to know their parents are human too, and that they make mistakes, and are not too proud to admit it and apologize to their children.
I know you can do this, just please go to the professional who can help you get on top of the past that is so bringing you down today, it is one of the best things you will ever do for yourself, and when you are happy, you have more to give those who are important to you in your life as well.
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