A
male
age
,
*atingmywords
writes:My only daughter has always been my baby girl. Ever since she was just a little girl she talked about beign a princess on her wedding day. I always told her that I would make her a princess on that day, I just didn't think that day would come so sood. She has been with her boy friend Robbie for 2 years. He is a good kid and I like him but I was shocked when they got engaged on New Years Eve. She is 19, he is 22. I was shocked and angry when they told me about the engagement. I told them I thought that they were to young and I refused to help pay for them to play house. My daughter was upset but they went on with the wedding plans and are planning a small wedding. i see the things that she is doing and I feel horrible. I feel like the dream wedding she always wanted has been put aside because of me. Shewent dress shopping with her boyfriedns family and didn`t even tell my wife and I that they were going. I always pictured going with her, watching her tear up as she found the perfect dress. She told my wife that she couldn`t find a dress she liked. I think she is making a mistake BUT I want her to have her dream come true. Should I give in and support her and give her a dream wedding even though I think she is to young or should I stand my ground and make her do this on her own. If I do support her , how do I make her accept my apology and let me be involved.
View related questions:
engaged, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2010): You're obligated to give her the princess wedding you agreed to give her. It's her choice to marry who she wants, trying to change her mind will only push her away from you.... BUT you're not obligated to bail them out when the reality of life hits them after marriage. My advice is to support her wedding financially, but not her marriage. Besides, her husband would resent you for it anyway. This way if something happens and they dont work out, she'll see the relationship failed because of them, not you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2010): as for the bailing out - i'd say don't step in unless you really absolutely have too, let them find their own way as this is the choice they are both willing making. They have their eyes wide open even if they are not looking at the whole picture with regards to bills, housing, babies etc. I'd say don't give her the princess wedding so that you can put that money a side in case she needs it later on ... okay, don't be the grinch but don't spoil her either. Explain why you think she is too young and the responcibilities she may soon be facing etc but stand by her decision if she will not put it off. You want to still have a relationship in good standing and i think be not supporting her marriage, even if you disagree, then you are making things potentially difficult in the future. Plus, if you support the wedding ... you have more chance of your opinions being heard regarding the future. One of my friends got married at 18 and i thought, oh no, life ruinned ... she's gonna be a baby making machine but nope, married for 4 years, no kids as they are in the know how with contriceptives and both her and husband are at university and are working. Just cos they marry young doesn't mean life is over or gonna be overlly difficult, sometimes it works out.
...............................
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (1 May 2010):
 A father's love for his daughter knows no bounds.
Being married does not change the fact that she is still your princess. You are blessed that she is married at this age because she has someone to look after her when you are gone or if something happens to you .Your SIL is your insurance.
Marriage does not end your responsibilities to her.Your responsibilities will only end when you don't breathe anymore. She will always be your daughter no matter what happens.
Do not think negatively because things happened for a reason.It is her destiny.
When you become a grand parent, you will forget all your negative perceptions and find that life is more meaningful and fulfilling.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2010): It's a completely natural reaction to your instinct as a parent, so don't feel too bad about what is done, on your part. All you can do is move on and support her in her dreams. It's like sports when they grow up... they might not even be that great at all at it, or they might get injured, but we go with it, and take them to their games and support them, cheering them on and feeling happy for them, because ultimately that's what makes them happy. If she feels sure about him, and you admit yourself that he's a good kid and you like him, then you have to let go of any negative energy surrounding your actions, and let yourself enjoy the wedding plans as much as both you and her would want to. Life isn't perfect, and no relationship or marriage is perfect, so stressing out over her wedding won't bring anything positive to the table, but only help in bringing tension and hard feelings into their marriage. She won't say it, but she'll be thinking and feeling it...she'll really wish you step in and tell her how much you actually want to be involved and support her, and that your fatherly instincts just caused you to hesitate at first, but that now you're sure about everything being for the good. Yes, the odds of having a successful marriage nowadays are at a peak low, but if she's courageous enough to battle those odds, and they're willing to go to family counselling if things get ugly, and work on keeping the marriage healthy when necessary, let her do it, and she'll most likely surprise you..after all, it's obvious she comes from a caring background, and that usually affects the son or daughter's future in a really positive way. Just go to her and if she pushes you away, tell her you know she doesn't really mean that, and just keep on loving her in a positive sense, and everything will be alright, because then you can say you did the right thing, no matter what happens. Good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, eatingmywords +, writes (1 May 2010):
eatingmywords is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst off I want to say thank you to everyone who answered. Secondly I am not tryign to make this about me, I am trying to protect my baby girl. First comes marriage then comes babies. They are young, to young. In my opinion they are not lookign at the big picture. Once they get married where do they plan on living? How will they afford a house, bills and my daughters college? Money isn't an issue for me. I can easily afford her dream wedding BUT how mnay time sin the next few years will I neeed to bail them out because his one income isn't enough.
...............................
A
female
reader, Si Si  +, writes (1 May 2010):
 Dear Guy,this is the kind of thing that happens again and again.You and your wife obviously love your daughter and want only the best for her..and yes, she is on the young side,and waiting at least another couple of years would be much better.
However,she has made up her mind and where does that leave you?I think the only thing that you and parents like yourself can do is let her know you love her.Let her know that because you do,you would have wished her to wait a little longer to marry,but that you will support her and always be there for her no matter what. Sometimes we just have to face the fact that young people need to make their own mistakes. The odds statistically at her age are against her. But how do you tell a young woman that who is in love and dreaming? Maybe she will be one of the few to make it through who knows?
Perhaps you could sit down and write her a letter from the heart. That would be less difficult for both her and you and hopefully will lead to a reconciliation..Which would be the best outcome for all of you. I have no doubt she is hurting in her own way too..
I wish you all happiness.
...............................
A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (1 May 2010):
If you are going against your daughters wedding , you will commit the ultimate faux pas, the biggest blunder in your life.
It is not about your life but your daughter's happiness. You should support her even if you do not see eye to eye with her because it is her life and not yours.
You can't stop her and if you are not going to support her, you will find that she will never forgive you for the rest of her life.
Don't because of pride and ego that you destroy the beautiful and special relationship between a father and his daughter.
Go talk to her and tell her that you now agree with her perspective and was wrong initially. You want her to be happy and that you are willing to give your blessings , moral and financial support for her wedding. She would be very happy to accept your help and blessings.
Do it before you regret for your whole life.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2010): my friend found her soulmate at 14 and is this year 44 ... he is her world and completely the right fit for her i would say, they couldn't be happier and have two wonderful children. Okay, so they still have to make it to the end of their lives but being together for 30 years already is a heck of a distance travelled and they are still crazy for each other. Thus sometimes ... it does work.
If you are unhappy with how young your daugther is but you promised her a dream wedding, maybe ask her if she is willing to compromise a little so you'll both be happier. You love her obviously and want to make sure she is making the right decision therefore maybe suggest putting wedding off until she is 21 therefore you then have 2 years to plan the most amazing princess wedding :) Plus she will be a little older, surer of her decision and it gives you time to get used to it and spoil your baby rotten as you had planned. Personally i think its a reaomsable request but to a teenager, two years may seem like forever but hopefully she may see the point that a little compromise can go a long way :)
...............................
A
female
reader, Not My Name +, writes (1 May 2010):
 Dont write her prospect of a long union off coz of her age alone.
Ok, I am not with my long term partner anymore, ... but I met him when I was 17 and stayed with him almost 2 decades. Hell of a lot longer than many older people are together for, so age I think is not neccessarily indicative of much at all if the people are compatible and sensible.
I do think in any case tho, stop making HER marriage all about you. You promised her the fairytale, not to pick the prince or the age when she should find him, ...so give it to her. If it is her fairytale, ..then surely it should be HER fairytale, not yours. It might not be right for you, but it is right for her, so either step up to the plate and support HER in her decision, or do a dummy spit coz it is not your decisions and let her go off and marry anyway putting you (and your wife who was not invited dress shopping) on the sidelines (possibly forever) for making a life long promise now conditional upon what you think is your better thinking.
Sorry, but if my dad pulled that shit on me, wether right or wrong in the long run, he would have damaged the relationship permanently, shown his word was not worth jack, and probably been kept at more of a distance from that day on.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (1 May 2010):
 She's a grownup! Not long ago, women were marrying at age 14-17! Your pride and ego are screwing up your daughter's relationship. This isn't about your opinion, it's about your daughter's happiness, and your behavior will stay with them and you for the rest of your lives.
So you might be right about this happening too early or too fast. But that's what adulthood is all about - learning life's lessons by experience. There's a time for advice and opinion, and there's a time for love. This is a time for love.
...............................
A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (1 May 2010):
 Oh my. I hear you. I went looking for the manual when my daughter was born -- guess you didn't have any more luck finding it than I did.
My instinct would be the same as yours -- she's too young, this is a mistake, it's likely to end in tears.
Whether that's true or not, the fact is that at 19 she's legally an adult -- in a sense, your baby girl is already gone. You had your shot at influencing her, but that ended some time ago. Like it or not, she's launched into the world. And, like it or not, you are faced with a simple choice.
You can stick to your guns. You might be right, that it's a huge mistake, but she's decided otherwise for herself. Be pig-headed about it, and your 'baby girl' is done for good. Do you really want to hang around the edge of her life like a malevolent fairy waiting until you can say "I told you so"?
Or you can suck it up and acknowledge that she has the right, as an adult, to choose. And acknowledge that there's just the smallest chance that she is in fact right, that she can make this marriage work. After all, maybe all your fatherly advice for all those years did sink in, and maybe she *can* make a good decision.
Walk away now and you lose the chance to help guide her in making the marriage a successful one.
The dream isn't having a princess wedding with the perfect dress. The dream is making a successful marriage.
Swallow your pride. Take her to lunch, tell her what motivated you to say what you did, tell her that you love her and that you will support her wholeheartedly to be happy in her marriage. Then maybe she'll talk to you when your advice might be helpful in the years to come. And maybe she'll be thrilled to have her kids know their grandfather and value his advice.
I'd be hurting the same as you just now. But you can still make it right.
...............................
|
