A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am getting married as per my parents wish to a guy who is a liar, unattractive, no mannerisms, hypocrite, etc.Worst I get shivering spine when I think I will have to go to bed with him, for which he is eagerly waiting. He thinks himself very over smart and feels he is doing me a favourby getting married to me. I have told my parents, no, but they say things will change post marriage. I have no love nor respect for him and never will be. I am really worried about my future, Can someone advise me what should be my action and behaviour in this situation? Please please help..
View related questions:
liar Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (26 November 2011):
 Arranged marriages are legal, Forced marriages are not. Forced marriages are illegal in India, Pakistan, Europe, and the USA. Arranged marriages are supposed to be about finding you a husband who you can respect and eventually love, it's supposed to join two families to make them stronger. Arranged marriages, when they work can be filled with love, joy and happiness.
In the UK, we have many Asian women and men who have happy arranged marriages. In the past in the UK, arranged marriages were very common, and we still have them in some way. Often parents or friends will introduce you to a respectable man, because they think that you will suit.
I don't know where you live in India. It's easier to resist a badly arranged marriage if you live in the city or town. Your options are...
1. Tell your parents again, that you refuse this man. Remind them, that they have a duty to do the best thing for you, and not just sell you off to anyone, as if you are an animal for sale. Remind them, the man is a liar and a hypocrite, so he has no honour. Tell them you cannot marry him, because he will hurt you, and he will shame you, and that means he will shame them as well. Ask them to find another man who is better than this one.
2. It's your age, I've been told, that in India, parents prefer girls to marry younger. They are probably now worried that you will never marry and that's why they are pushing this man at you.
3. Do not let the FORCE you, that is illegal. The Indian government have laws against this. If you are frightened for your safety, or if you need help, please find one of the many women's groups that can help.
http://www.jagriti-international.org/organizations.asp?Country=India
http://www.indianchild.com/women_ngos_in_india.htm
4. Get a job, and get enough money to live independently. Often parents in traditional countries are impressed when women have good jobs and lots of money, and then it's not so important to marry. If you have money, your parents can't force you to do anything, because you can run away and never see them again.
5. Ask your aunts, sisters and other family women for help. Again, the strongest argument is that the man has no honor, and you feel ashamed to have such a man as a husband. In many arrange marriages, being good looking is not seen as important, and your family will think you are not thinking sensibly if you mention this.
6. Do not cry, do not scream. You are an adult, so do not give them the chance to say you are a silly woman who does not understand. Talk very calmly, tell them you want an arranged marriage that is based on respect. Tell them you will never feel anything but hate for this man and the marriage can not work.
7. Leave home, leave the family - you will have to leave anyway if you live with this man. If you can't stop the marriage, then you have to run.
8. Can you talk to the man, tell him you can't marry him. (if he is friendly) If he is not friendly, can you behave badly, can you act badly and make the man hate you? Be rude to him, laugh at him, tell him he is ugly. Make him hate you back. Hopefully he wont want to marry you if you show that you will be a terrible, rude wife.
Good luck, please call the women's groups, and ask if they can help you.
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (26 November 2011):
Arranged marriages are legal, Forced marriages are not. Forced marriages are illegal in India, Pakistan, Europe, and the USA. Arranged marriages are supposed to be about finding you a husband who you can respect and eventually love, it's supposed to join two families to make them stronger. Arranged marriages, when they work can be filled with love, joy and happiness.
In the UK, we have many Asian women and men who have happy arranged marriages. In the past in the UK, arranged marriages were very common, and we still have them in some way. Often parents or friends will introduce you to a respectable man, because they think that you will suit.
I don't know where you live in India. It's easier to resist a badly arranged marriage if you live in the city or town. Your options are...
1. Tell your parents again, that you refuse this man. Remind them, that they have a duty to do the best thing for you, and not just sell you off to anyone, as if you are an animal for sale. Remind them, the man is a liar and a hypocrite, so he has no honour. Tell them you cannot marry him, because he will hurt you, and he will shame you, and that means he will shame them as well. Ask them to find another man who is better than this one.
2. It's your age, I've been told, that in India, parents prefer girls to marry younger. They are probably now worried that you will never marry and that's why they are pushing this man at you.
3. Do not let the FORCE you, that is illegal. The Indian government have laws against this. If you are frightened for your safety, or if you need help, please find one of the many women's groups that can help.
http://www.jagriti-international.org/organizations.asp?Country=India
http://www.indianchild.com/women_ngos_in_india.htm
4. Get a job, and get enough money to live independently. Often parents in traditional countries are impressed when women have good jobs and lots of money, and then it's not so important to marry. If you have money, your parents can't force you to do anything, because you can run away and never see them again.
5. Ask your aunts, sisters and other family women for help. Again, the strongest argument is that the man has no honor, and you feel ashamed to have such a man as a husband. In many arrange marriages, being good looking is not seen as important, and your family will think you are not thinking sensibly if you mention this.
6. Do not cry, do not scream. You are an adult, so do not give them the chance to say you are a silly woman who does not understand. Talk very calmly, tell them you want an arranged marriage that is based on respect. Tell them you will never feel anything but hate for this man and the marriage can not work.
7. Leave home, leave the family - you will have to leave anyway if you live with this man. If you can't stop the marriage, then you have to run.
8. Can you talk to the man, tell him you can't marry him. (if he is friendly) If he is not friendly, can you behave badly, can you act badly and make the man hate you? Be rude to him, laugh at him, tell him he is ugly. Make him hate you back. Hopefully he wont want to marry you if you show that you will be a terrible, rude wife.
Good luck, please call the women's groups, and ask if they can help you.
...............................
A
female
reader, An1 +, writes (26 November 2011):
Hi
I understand what you are going through as I am in an arranged marriage myself. Its been more than 5 years and I like my husband, but i dont love him. I know how much pressure there will be on you to marry this man. But i sincerely advice you to stand up for your self and say no. Today the pressure is to get married, a year later, it would be kids and trust me, its more difficult once you are in it to get away. Tell your parents that you cannot marry him. Be strong and dont deviate from your stand. At the end of the day, you need to be around to get married. If you are financially independent, get away from home. Dont do it out any sense of duty or whatever. I did and i'll forever regret it.
I hope things work out
good luck,
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 November 2011):
 OP, I know that for us Aunts from Europe and America is so easy to say " oh just say no" or " just talk to your parents ", when instead the reality is that still today arranged marriages are prevalent, accepted and encouraged in India, and going against the tradition will put you socially at a disadvantage and expose you to a lot of criticisms.
But, the problem is that your is not only an arranged marriage , is a FORCED marriage. You strongly disagree with your parent's choice. As far as I know, ( I may be wrong ) if either one of the spouses does not want to proceed,nowadays everybody gets upset, there are grudges and ill will, ... but the agreement is annulled and the parents just go on to look for a better match. At least in middle class families.
In some rural, very traditional areas, and in lower education families, yes, the rebellious bride risks much more.
Only you know your situation and can evaluate what you are actually risking. Somehow it does not sounds like your parents would resort to physical violence to drag to to that ceremony, or that your groom's family would abduct you by force. ( Yes it still happens in SOME areas )
If this is correct, it's all up to you and only you, you can't get married if you don't show up , and if they don't physically drag you by your hair you don't have to show up.
You just have to be strong and resist to psychological pressure, emotional blackmails, tears and arguments....
things that are not unknown in many Western families when a son or a daughter asserts his/her will.
So, if you don't risk heavy physical damage, .. I'd encourage you to be strong and stubborn. For yourself - and for so many Indian females after you.
Often , it takes a person to start to say NO and change a whole world. Like your fellow citizen the Mahatma Gandhi did.
P.S. Does your future husband know that you can't stand him and you have to marry him totally against your will ? I'd tell him if I were you. Maybe he has some pride and will break off the engagement of his own initiative.
Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2011): Thanks for all your replies. I have already tried all means and ways but no use. I have said to my parents about this and they understand but not willing to do anything. They only say all will be fine post marriage, I don't what to say and do, I hardly have time. I am really fearful about my future, please pray for me.
...............................
A
female
reader, chickpea2011  +, writes (26 November 2011):
 Hi,If you feel this strong about this arrange marriage, if you cannot accept him, you must talk to your parents immediately.... You cannot allow this, and will destroy your life. You need to explain to your parents how you feel about him... You still have time, you live life once, and you don't have to live life like a slave, just to make your parents happy. Be strong... Convince your parents that you cannot accept their decision, beg if you have to... Do whatever it takes.!!! It's your life, you should make your own choices.... If your parents really love you, they will understand you, and support you...I am really sorry you are going through this situation. I can't believe that in 2011, we still dealing with arrange marriages... How can a parent put their own daughter in this situation? You are not an object that can just be offered? You are a human being???? Sorry, wish you good luck
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2011): If you have a love affair with a boy friend, then tell it to your intended husband, or if possible introduce the boy friend to him and he will leave you, but don't fake it, it must be real.
...............................
|
