A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:What is wrong with me that I am attracting these types of people ?My girls friends (envious- backstabbing - opportunist - gossip rider females-) so I learned my lesson and then I stopped hanging out with them. I noticed though even when I don’t try to be- friend anyone I always get screwed over - at work one of my coworkers used me as bait to cover up a mistake he made - when management found out it wasn’t my fault he got talked to but still - I was nothing but nice and friendly to this guy ! It seems like I attract people that are just not to be trusted - my ex boyfriend was negligent - and used me till it wasn’t convenient I have been told - I am fun - warm - outgoing - and very nice - I don’t like confrontations and I don’t like to disappoint people but I am getting these people that are bad..... how can I stop ? Is there signs ? I also hate being alone so I almost feel any company is better than nothing The last example is the guy I work with- out of all the me.n I find attractive - it’s the one that trash talks about his wife and love attention!Any advice on how to attract positive people ?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2018): What's wrong here is that you are not balancing all your great characteristics with an adult filter and awareness. You are still coming at this like something of a child - all innocent and nice and then getting upset when the world and the people in it don't seem to reciprocate in kind.It's not as black and white as attracting positive people (and getting rid of negative people). People are rarely ever either wholly good or bad, they are a mix of a huge amount of attributes and attitudes and can bring out different aspects of one another.You sound like a nice person but a tad naive compared with others. So, you are attracting responses from people that they won't get away with in relationships with others who are a bit more worldly wise.When you say:I have been told - I am fun - warm - outgoing - and very nice - I don’t like confrontations and I don’t like to disappoint people but I am getting these people that are bad..... how can I stop ? What you seem to be 'missing' is that these characteristics are:a. Given up front ie. from the start b. Also bring out the aspects of other people's characteristics that make you be taken advantage of - they sense you are overly accommodating and take advantage, but they wouldn't necessarily do this with someone else.In short, you are far more accommodating than most people, and people sense this from the 'get go' and SOME but not all will take advantage. Ironically, that doesn't mean that the people who do take advantage will do that with someone else who has firmer boundaries and has a higher filter on what they accommodate - in that situation, these same people may well behave themselves and come across as okay as individuals - okay, some may not and may just be horrible with anyone and everyone, but not necessarily.My point is that, without realising it, you are setting yourself up for a fall, over and again, with the above approach. It doesn't mean you have to change into something you are not, just gain awareness of how your own approaches are enabling these negative responses from others.The others have given you good advice about this. But I would also reinforce that, because you don't like being alone, you are probably more strongly inclined to be nice to others out of fear of being alone and an inner sense of desperation about making friends. Learn to be your own friend first and foremost. If you learn how to enjoy being alone AND find new groups of people to do new kinds of activities with (weekend hiking, evening classes, whatever) you will hopefully learn a good balance of being your own friend and filtering out who to be friends with. Learning to be alone and to enjoy it can be difficult if you've never known how to do it - but think of it as forming a new friendship with someone who is potentially going to be your best friend for life. Find activities that engage you in different ways and learn which ones you want to keep up. then you can invite potential new friends to share them with you or you may find people already doing these activities because they want the same kind of relationships as you do. It doesn't mean you ONLY have to spend time alone - just schedule in some time with yourself to do something - yoga, meditating, hillwalking, swimming, dancing, reading, taking a sewing class, learning to scuba-dive - whatever it is that takes your fancy. You are more likely to find better friends through these kind of activities because these people will want quality relationships with themselves first and foremost and will be choosy about who they let in to their lives.I also hate being alone so I almost feel any company is better than nothing.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (6 May 2018):
 When it comes to friends, I have found that, like with many things, you can either concentrate on quality or quantity. If you are going to concentrate on quality (as you sound like you need to), you have to forgo the quantity and learn to like being on your own sometimes.
I am lucky in that I have always enjoyed my own company far more than the company of most other people. I will absolutely NOT waste time on people I don't like. I have perfected this as I have got older. I have a small number of people I class as friends who, without exception, are genuinely lovely people. I always feel uplifted when I have been in contact with them. They know they can rely on me if they need anything, and I know I can fully rely on them. With the exception of my close friends, I don't care what anyone else thinks about me as I don't think about them at all.
The way people treat you says much more about them than it does about you. A lot of the time, their bad treatment of you is because THEY are weak human beings (like your work colleague who tried to pass the blame for something onto you because he didn't have the backbone to own up to it - this was to do with HIS weakness, not yours). However, you CAN minimize the damage they can do to you by being selective about the people you allow into your "friendship zone". Don't trust people until they have EARNED that trust. This comes with time and with experience. Also I would suggest trying to find friends who, for example, volunteer helping others less fortunate. I have met many fantastic people via charity work I am passionate about. When you share an important interest, bitching and back stabbing is of little interest as you are too busy talking about more important things.
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A
male
reader, TylerSage +, writes (6 May 2018):
 I came across this video today on YouTube. It may be of help to you:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=axICb_RvGQU
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2018): I agree with Code Warrior. You get to choose your friends. You have to give people a probationary-period. Assess their values, behavior; and how they align and match with yours.
Give people time to earn your trust; don't hand it over to them without discerning to whom you're giving it. Trust is a precious and valuable thing. "Don't cast your pearls before swine!"
You're dealing with human-nature and flaws found in all of us. Unfortunately, some never work on themselves; and they have the attitude that "this is me, take it or leave it." Personally, I'd leave them alone. Go ahead and be you, whatever that is! Not on my time!
I work too hard to try and be a decent guy, I have values and principles. I like people in-general; and I have a God-given gift for dealing with even the most difficult types. That takes a lot of experience. It's developed over years.
I try to withhold judgement; until I start to see signs and red-flags. You have to be fair and give the benefit of the doubt. Once someone screws you over, or you observe consistently bad-behavior; you immediately kick them to the curb. You forgive them, and consider it a lesson learned. Don't hold grudges or grow cynical. Don't go back and forth. Once you forgive them, leave them be; and keep them away from you.
Don't let someone's attractive-appearance cloud your judgement. Being pretty or handsome doesn't mean they're automatically good people.
Observe married-men from a far distance, and keep your feelings in-check. HANDS-OFF!!! Don't go down that road.
Being too sweet, overly-agreeable, and begging for validation is asking for it. People will flatten you. You can be a nice-person without being everyone's favorite fool.
When they take advantage of your kindness, disassociate. If they want to know why? Tell them! You can't trust people who use and abuse you. They're A-holes!
You will not always be surrounded by your friends. Everyone has separate lives, and pursue their own interests. If you have too much lonely time on your hands; volunteer to help the unfortunate. Revisit neglected and lonely relatives. Hangout with your siblings or cousins, and get to know your closest neighbors. Call your mother! Take dad to lunch!
You don't have to attract positive people. We are drawn to each other when in close-proximity. Pray about it!
Get-out for long walks, chat with your neighbors. If you worship, offer your help on committees, and do charity work. You'll meet great people!
You don't really have to do much of anything; just use better judgement about the people you associate with.
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