A
male
age
30-35,
*urch
writes: I'm not sure if this is a specific question or just kind of an emptying of my head, but I'll try to make it as clear and brief as possible. I've just come to the realization that every relationship, or even just situations where a girl likes me, that I've ever had have all been unsolicited. In elementary school, I obsessed and spent all my time and energy on one girl from Grade 1 to Grade 8. There were at least 8 other girls that I knew liked me, but I didn't give them a chance because I was obsessed with a girl who didn't like me. She might have even liked me if I didn't spend all my time trying to woo her. My first legitimate girlfriend was in Grade 10. She fell into my lap as I was spending all my time trying to woo another girl. So I guess by that point I learned how to take advantage of this whole unsolicited affection. I think the main part of this story/question lies in Grade 11 and 12; the ladder being the grade I'm in right now. In grade 11 I tried wooing a girl whom I was fairly certain liked me (at least in the past). So I asked her out, we started texting a lot, and there was a certain point where I think she just lost interest. Anyways, while this particular wooing was going on, the main girl of this question, who we'll call Girl C, was on the side lines. As she saw me wooing this other girl she started to like me. So I went out with Girl C for about a month in the summer - then she broke it off. An important note is that on that third date, after much coercion from my best-friend who has an annoying obsession with my love-life, I asked her if she wanted to be my girlfriend, to which she replied she didn't like labels. Anyways, I think the awkwardness of that caused her to break it off. I was just stupid enough to think she would want a label, so I thought I was giving her what she wanted, when in fact we were both happy being label-less. So, the crux of the issue is that I've kind of just grown to like Girl C even more. But I don't know how to get a girl who I actually want. I suppose a relatively good question to sum this whole thing up would be: How can I attract a girl without coming off strong or seemingly putting a lot of effort into it? Also, why does this whole jealousy thing play such a big role in who girls want to date?
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (18 February 2011):
 Depending on the age of the girls you like, teenagers are notoriously fickle and can tend to follow the herd, rather than think independently.
This can apply to both boys and girls, by the way, I don't want to be too sexist here, I just will use gender labels specific to your question.
So girls may like to be pursued, but if it is too much, too intense, too focused, it can be a little scary. The guy needs to strike the right balance of being interested but not so invested in her before he's even won her over. My bet is you become really super focused on the one girl and may appear a little stalkerish or obsessed with her. This is not sexy or attractive.
It is also true of teenage girls that they like what they can't have. They like a little bit of a challenge, they want to win the heart of the guy who is perceived as desirable by all her girlfriends. It's why the Prince Charming story resonates with girls, it's a guy who is perceived to be the hero (the prince) falling for the girl who stands out from all her peers.
I know, you are trying to win a specific girl's interest and you can't seem to convert the interest on your part into interest on her part. So that means you've either selected a girl who will never be interested in you for whatever reason, or you are possibly date-able in her eyes but then mess it up somehow. My guess is that you are making it too obvious that you like the girl. You want to be a little mysterious and a little intriguing. You don't want to bare your soul to her until you are in a relationship.
So I'd play it pretty differently if I were you. I'd indicate that you liked a specific girl but I wouldn't signal so strongly that she had you at "hello". You want to get her friends to think you are the cutest boy out there and flirt mildly with them, convey that you are very choosy but you like what you see in them and might be convinced to consider possibly dating one. In other words, don't let the object of your affection know she's the one for you. Let her wonder a little bit while you are polishing your image with her friends.
Forget girl C for now, don't try to date her. You can mention her to friends but as she's the one who dumped you, you're going to look a bit pathetic if you try to convince her to change her mind. Instead, get to know her friends and don't let them know that you still want her back. Make the message to them that you are fighting off girls left and right and while you enjoyed your time with Girl C, you aren't particularly eager to start dating her again. She may indeed be over you but if she learns that she has lost her 'conquest' of you, she may try to fix that. Just play it very cool with her. Not mean, not unfriendly, just don't let her know that you're still feeling you want to date her.
Google 'reverse psychology' or read about it in wikipedia and see if that strategy makes sense for this.
Friendly yet unattainable, that's the vibe you want to emanate here. You're cool and desirable but the girl would have to be pretty damn special to get your attention.
Love comes at you from funny directions, sometimes when you least expect it. Just because the girl wasn't on your radar when you set out doesn't make her less special as a girlfriend, okay? Sometimes the best girlfriend/boyfriend situations come out of a friendship that has suddenly become more than just a friend.
The more girls you get to know, the more you will be able to understand them, if you are paying attention. Don't assume you know what they are thinking, talk to them and ask questions.
Good luck!
A
male
reader, Murch +, writes (18 February 2011):
Murch is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you lockhart,I guess it might have been better to not go out with them, but if I didn't then I never would have dated anyone, so it's hard to decide. And these girl that "fell-into my lap", I did like them a little, I guess they just weren't my main focus.And I think someone else has given me the advise to sort of not be available all the time and I see how that works and I do try to do it, but if they're not asking to hangout with you it's somewhat difficult to do. It is good advise though, and I thank you for it.The only time I actually interact with "Girl C" is in one class we have and the rare occasion when we go to the movies in a big group, such as we're doing this Friday. We used to text a lot, but when she broke it off that ended, with the exception of a few weeks ago when I had been sick and away from school for a bit and she texted me to see if I was "dead."Thank you again for the answer!
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A
male
reader, Murch +, writes (16 February 2011):
Murch is verified as being by the original poster of the question It's not that I don't put the effort in or that I don't want to, it's just that it seems when I'm trying to get a girl to like me they never end up liking me and I end up with someone who I wasn't even trying for. So I was saying that when I try, that trying somehow drives them away. So I think that trying to get them to like you without seeming like you're trying to get them to like you is how to fix this problem. So I was asking how doing that is possible. Sorry if I wasn't clear, it was sort of an "emptying of my head."
Thank you for answering!
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