A
male
age
26-29,
*rett123
writes:I’ve been dating my gf for 6 months. My family met her for the first time over the holidays and they weren’t very welcoming. When we met she had just found out she was pregnant. She also has a two year daughter. She left her ex because he was cheating on her, when she confronted him he became really angry and pushed her into a wall. She packed her things and left. A few weeks later she found out she was pregnant. They haven’t had the smoothest breakup and he goes weeks with out seeing their daughter. We met through friends and started hanging out. She told me right away about the pregnancy. Her ex hasn’t been supportive through out the pregnancy.Last month I started going to her appointments with her and I plan to be here for her through out the rest of the pregnancy and when the baby is born. Both of leases were up in December and we decided to move in with each other. I get their concerns, it does seem fast but it works for us. We all went to my parents for Boxing Day and I didn’t find anyone really that nice to her. My sister questioned her about everything, my dad just kept asking about her ex and who was going to be there for the birth and my mom was trying way To hard. You could tell my gf felt uncomfortable. We had originally planned to go and stay for New Years with them, every year my dads whole family gets together for New Year’s Eve.But I’m unsure I want to put her though that again. How can I nicely tell my family they need to be more respectful and except our relationship? I’m not even sure I want to tell them yet about the rest of our plans
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2018): Personally I'm not thinking about what your parents think but rushing isn't good when children are involved. Any other time you should go for it if you want to but not when kids are in the mix because its not right for them. That's the difference here.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (29 December 2018):
 Everyone are writing that his parents have a right to be concerned and so on. I dont agree that this consern also gives a right to critizice. He is an adult, and the time for parents meddling and overprotecting is over. I also dont agree that he is naive. Ive seen couples do what he is doing, and they are still together over a decade later.
The truth is no one knows how successful or good a relationship is, besides the two people in it. His happiness should be their concern, not his «socially accepted success». A single mom with a kid on the way who isnt their son’s, isnt someone they feel like bragging about. There is a stigma there, and social reputation appears to matter more to these folks, than their sons happiness.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (29 December 2018):
 You are a new boyfriend, OP. Almost every relationship seems amazing at 6 - 18 months. You are NOT her partner; you are DATING and decided to move in. If her kids go without, it’s HER duty to deal with it. If YOU do it, she can’t cope without being financially supported and that is actually damaging to her and her children. If you want this to go well and want to help out, do NOT let her be financially dependent on you. You taking over the role of father (which is what you’re trying to do now with the moving in and financial support, whether you realise it or not) will NOT help these children. Your girlfriend is not to blame for the abuse, but she has got pregnant twice with an abusive person. Her children didn’t choose, but she DID and she needs to learn how to support herself and her children on her own, in case this doesn’t work out - which is increasingly likely when you rush things.Children need stability from their PARENT, not their parent’s partner. I get it; you care, but you need to care in a way that helps them, not in a way that takes on all of the responsibility and enables their mum to not learn how to cope on her own. Children can’t afford for their single parent to be financially dependent on a partner. Please, OP, don’t be stubborn; LISTEN.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2018): You are noble and determined. I hope it works-out as planned. I'm not sure why you wrote DC? I guess you expected your family to feel the same as you do. They don't and they're concerned about you. I stick by every word I've written.
I wish all of you the best! I'll even pray that it will work-out. Your kindness and good heart is rare in these times.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (29 December 2018):
 You're going to need every bit of luck that comes your way now that you've decided to go ahead with this. You sound well-meaning but immature. I don't think you're paying heed to anything that the aunts are trying to tell you and you're having a parallel conversation. Your parents have every right to be worried about you... You don't seem to realise what you're getting into.
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reader, Honeypie  +, writes (29 December 2018):
 It is a big mouthful for your family to accept, OP
A young woman who has one child and another on the way, both fathered by some violent ex.
They are watching THEIR son give up the path/life he had to raise another man's children. And these children he has NO legal right to if things go sideways.
And then there is the moving in together after ONLY 6 months. THAT is soon. Too soon for most, and then add a toddler?
I can see why your family are skeptic. They worry for YOU. It's not just about you being happy with her, only 6 months in it's VERY likely that things look rosy.
I will also echo that SHE needs to pull her weight. The CHILDREN are HERS, HER responsibility. Doesn't mean you can't help out, but you shouldn't be the SOLE breadwinner and financial support here. She needs to set an example for her daughter.
It might all work out for the two of you, it might not. But your family are ALLOWED to worry for you. And they are allowed to think this isn't such a good idea. YOU are ALLOWED to prove them wrong.
Don't hurry things so much OP.
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reader, brett123 +, writes (29 December 2018):
brett123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd I thoughts - there’s no way I can live with her and let her kids needs or wants not be met if I can help it. They didn’t ask to be in this situation, they didn’t ask for me to get involved in this relationship and she has never once asked me for anything in terms of money BUT I took this relationship on and with that two kids come with it. If they need something and it is within my reach they will have it. I won’t let them suffer because the time line doesn’t seem long enough. I know I’m not the father but I am her partner and I will be there for them and her. They won’t have their biological father there to comfort or discipline them on a daily basis so that’s where I will step up. No I can’t take his place but I can step up when he doesn’t. I won’t see her struggle as a single mom (emotionally or financially) when she isn’t single, I’m her partner and everything she goes through I’ll be there to help her with
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reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (29 December 2018):
Don't take on supporting her kids until you've been together for a few years. She needs to be responsible for herself and them, while you split the house bills. You're not their dad and it would be silly to act like it when you're still so new on the scene. Please, OP; this relationship may work out, but don't rush things. If it seems too fast, it is - none of this "it works for us" stuff because we *all* feel that way when we're smitten. Be sensible, responsible and remember that she needs to be a single mum who is dating, not a mum with a new boyfriend taking on her children financially or with parenting. All of that can come in 2 years time, but not now. She needs to be able to cope on her own in case you two don't work out. Remind yourself that they aren't your children - not until a few years have gone by.
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reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (29 December 2018):
 Thanks for the follow up Brett … don't give up on the family yet, they have a lot to readjust to, it IS possible for it to all turn out well, and for your girlfriend's children to be accepted as part of the extended family. I've seen a very similar situation within my friend circle, the young couple are very happy and suited and her TWIN toddlers have been accepted into the young man's family very easily. The major difference between them and you though is that the ex is still on the scene.
Baby steps all the way, don't expect the family's acceptance of the situation to be instant, its going to take a lot of work on the part of everybody. I recommend that if you are still going strong after a few years you consider marriage and adoption of the children.
As I said before Good Luck!
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reader, brett123 +, writes (29 December 2018):
brett123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI understand that my gf has baggage, she never once hid her pregnancy or daughter from me. Those were two things I knew came with her from the start and I wouldn’t change that. Her daughter is adorable and I love her as a mother, I love seeing her interact with her.
I work full time and if I need a second job to help support her then that’s something I will have to cross when the times comes. We talked about bills and that is why we decided to move in with each other. I’ve looked at the cost of baby things and realize it’s jot going to be easy but sometimes life isn’t easy.
I guess I did think they would welcome her into their lives more openly. I thought they would see how happy we are
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reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (29 December 2018):
Y'know, I am going to be a fence sitter on this one.
Whilst I wouldn't say your relationship is DOOOOMED from the start, there are going to be a lot of hurdles to jump before it all settles down into ordinary ever after ….
a two year old
a violent ex who will forever be in your lives because of two year old
an impending baby, and regardless how many appointments you attend the violent ex at this moment in time has more rights to that baby than you do.
Your family are right to be concerned, I would be as well in their shoes. You are still quite young, and a ready made family with a violent ex in the picture is a large and heavy load for a young man to carry, your family will be concerned such a load might squash you, its not the future your family dreamed of for you.
And there's your poor mum, fake happy face trying to spin something positive out of it all.
It doesn't sound as if your family were rude, just concerned. Surely you didn't expect wide open arms and a big warm group hug and immediate acceptance … these things take time.
Your family need reassurance, they need to feel you and your girlfriend are dealing with the situation realistically and eyes wide open. They need to believe you are not putting yourself into the middle of a messy domestic arrangement. They need to feel reassured that if they welcome your girlfriend and her children into the family and allow the love to grow that it wont all be wrenched away from them, and especially from you. The need to see stability and sensible decisions being made.
Your situation is odd, and outside the realm of what families expect and so naturally there is concern.
You need to demonstrate that you and your girlfriend are aware this is not going to be an easy path but that you both have considered all ramifications and are approaching them rationally in a mature headed manner.
Staying away from family gatherings will only highlight the unusual aspects of the relationship, better, in my view, to attend and get the awkward moments over and done with so that you can move forward. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2018): [EDIT]:
Corrections:
"You meet some pregnant female with a child, man-problems, and all sorts of drama and problems in her life."
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reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (28 December 2018):
To be honest, I too would be very skeptical if my brother brought home a girlfriend like yours.
What do you want your family to say OP? How exactly do you want them to behave? You can't possibly think they'd chat about the weather!
Look you can't expect your family to warm up to someone they barely know, that too someone you introduce as a girlfriend who's a pregnant girl with another child with a dubious ex! What reaction did you think you'd get?
Do you have any idea what you're getting into? I know you feel right now that no one understands you and everyone's out to get you but hey, you're asking for it!
You're unsure of what you're putting HER through? I'm sorry but what you're putting your family through is no picnic in the park either!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2018): I'm sorry, but your family is right! You meet some pregnant female with a child, man-problems, and all sorts or drama and problems in her life. Then you immediately decide to move-in together?!! That is impetuous, impulsive, and in very poor judgment.
Your family is concerned, because they can see what you won't. You have stepped into a pile of dodo, being Prince Valiant! Without thinking, trying to be noble by saving someone only too quick to accept refuge from a young and inexperienced guy; who thinks he is ready to take-on a ready-made family! She has made a ton of bad choices!
It was not right that they were rude to her. However, if you bring someone to your parent's home; they have every right to question who they are, and decide how this person will fit. They are all concerned about how all her apparent problems will impact you and your family. She has poor judgement by moving-in with someone she barely knows!
How do you intend to support them, if he wont?
Even worse, she's still in the midst of her breakup!!! Dragging all that baggage with her. Her ex can make all sorts of trouble; and you have no idea what you've gotten yourself into. Your father does! You've stepped directly into the middle of their business; and he has paternal rights to his children. So you will be in the middle of all their drama!
You're the one who needs to be more respectful of whom you bring to your parent's house. You can't bring your "rescues" home and expect your family to embrace them with open-arms. You may dismiss all the baggage she has; but they don't have to.
Your kindness and sense of compassion is highly commendable; but your judgement is questionable! You are an extraordinary person, I will not deny that!
Again, they have no right to be rude to her. They do have a right to question her intentions, who she is, and your judgement!
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reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (28 December 2018):
Be upfront with your plans. Get it out the way. They’ll either accept it over time or they won’t. You’re still young, so it’s a lot to take on with someone you barely know, but it’s up to you - it just means you need to accept their reaction more than they need to accept your choices. They’re more likely to come around if they see it working out in a few months or once the baby is born.
What I would say is definitely no engagement or becoming “daddy” any time soon - even just for the kids’ sakes; they need stability, but rushing things won’t give them that. Take things slower, prepare for things - don’t jump in at the deep end any more. If you want tricky things to work, you have to be patient and sensible, not get carried away.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2018): I think you're being a pushover. This sort of thing would be unthinkable if it was me in your shoes. But I'm a stubborn person who's put my foot down and drawn up the lines with my family more than once. They wouldn't dare talk to a girlfriend/boyfriend of mine that way. First off they are brought up to behave in a civil manner, and second: they know I wont ever do what they want, I always only do what I want myself, and Ive made that very clear. They respect me.
So when your family talks low to your girlfriend, you might think they are disrespecting her. But the truth is: they are disrespecting YOU. She is YOUR choice, and they are slaundering it.
I've seen this happen before, and in my personal experience (which might not be your case at all, just speaking from experience here), this can only happen when the person is being weak. My guess is you're not used to standing up to them, to argue with them, or tell them off. You're a person who fears for his own reputation and you fear what your family members might think of you, say, or do, if you show them you have a will of your own. You're acting like a skeep in the herd, just following their will and not your own.
This is the moment to show you're not a child, but a grown man capable of makin his own choices and stand by those choices. Demand your respect. Tell them right away that their behavior was not acceptable, and that if they want you and your girlfriend to visit again, they need to be on best behavior and be polite. Don't be afraid to rock this boat. If you don't do this now, they will only take it as a sign that you are weak and will continue to walk over you and disrespect you.
Be prepared that they might get offended, like most of these "bullies" tend to get when they learn they aren't the kings and queens of the universe. They might be surprised that you're standing up for yourself. They might react negatively. But they will get over it. Just do it already, or you and your girlfriend wont have much of a future.
PS. I had a boyfriend like you once. I ended it precicely because he would never stand up to his family, and they walked all over him and me and our relationship. I couldn't envision a polite and nice family dinner with them. I couldn't imagine us having kids and me bringing them into this hostile family where everyone attacked/undermined my relationship with their precious son. He chose me, and that should have been enough for them, but it wasnt. And he didn't stand up for me and our relationship. Instead he did everything to please them and just asked me to hold on and hold on and hold on. It became unbearable. So I know 100%, you and your girlfriend wont stand a chance unless you put your foot down.
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