A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have a lot of trouble trusting women. I have female friends that I can trust to a degree. But when it comes to dating I can't really trust women because of my past with them.I'm 23 years old. I never had a good dating life and am resentful about it. There's only been one girl I dated for long term and she broke up with me because "she wanted to be single in college". This other girl broke down once because I caught her in a lie. She wanted to keep me as an option until I had a great job to date me long term. Meanwhile, when I was into her, she admitted she dated other guys when we dated and tried to hide that from me when I'd ask. I just can't see a situation where I'd meet a woman who I can trust 100% to treat me well and not cheat on me. After I finish residency and become a doctor I can't even know if women will be with me for me or for my status as a doctor. It really bums me out because I'm a virgin and I feel alone a lot at times. But I know that if I was cheated on I would lose it. I never had a strong male role model in my life to make me good with women either.Couple that with low sexual experience and the chance a women cheats if I'm not good in bed, I feel like I'm hopeless. It feels like a lose-lose situation and I need advice. Besides my ex, I don't think I've ever received obvious interest from a woman that I should have worked on. All the women I've asked out I had to do it cold and I feel like I'm trying to trick them into liking me over someone else. This does open up so much time for me to pursue my goals, and to love myself more but I don't think I'll ever trust a girl and always keep her at arms length. What do I do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2016): Great advice here especially from WiseOwlE.
OP here. I try to improve myself in anyway I can. The loneliness gets to me and at times I get very depressed about it. Messaging some girls about going on a date sooner than most would typically or writing off altogether.
I know it comes off as desperate but I'm desperate since I dont have much positive reinforcement. I've been to therapy and the guy doesnt understand why my confidence is so low. He thinks I should be able to date a lot based on who I am.
My self worth is so wrapped into women being attracted to me/liking me and I dont know how to dissociate them. I try so hard.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2016): The women in your past treated you badly because they just weren't into you and you need to recognise that early on. Actions need to match words and if someone isn't reciprocating you need to end it. You are young and lots of people are testing the water to find out what they want at your age. I'm a woman and had loads of creeps try to date me just to get into my knickers in my 20s but I waited to find someone who liked me for myself and wasn't just interested in sex. I don't believe people are "good" or "bad" in bed. Sex is something you develop with whichever partner you have. Women don't expect men to be a lot more experienced than them these days and people cheat for all kinds of reasons.I think you need to avoid the idea from the poster below that "Women are attracted to status and wealth." Really? Isn't that a bit of a generalisation? My husband has always earned considerably less than me and has a job with no status at all. Maybe in your culture that's true. I live in the UK. If that were true then all the men earning lower a certain salary would be single and that isn't the case in any country I know of.What is true is that you need to value yourself. What everyone likes is to feel special and that they are the only one. No-one likes to think you are desperate and trying it on with every girl you meet in the hopes that one will bite.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (29 June 2016):
"Couple that with low sexual experience and the chance a women cheats if I'm not good in bed, I feel like I'm hopeless."
Yes, you are hopeless if you feel being virgin and not having sex is the cause for your loneliness.
Women are not men...A man will cheat on woman much faster if she is bad in bed...why? Because most typical guys like yourself, believe that love is found between a woman's legs. If she lets you have sex with her, then you are in love..my word.
You do not trust women? Do you trust yourself?? Do you trust yourself enough to love a woman and touch her heart, and not her private parts? What makes you think women trust you? You maybe giving off the "I am so horny, me love you long time" vibe, and they are like...NOPE.
"I never had a strong male role model in my life to make me good with women either."
REALLY!!! Who said the role model you needed was man in your life??? Your mother..she is the role model. Would you have like to see some guy (virgin) trying his best to score with her, just to get his jollies off so he doesn't feel lonely?? Of course not...so what makes you think it's okay to be like that with other women?
If you love and respect your mother, and care for her deep in your heart, that is the way you treat a woman.
Women are not D*CK holders. A place to stick it so you can be happy. Make a woman happy, and keep her happy, and she will be best friends with your Mr. Happy.
The best male role model is with you every day and night...Look in mirror you will see him. Because if that model makes an ass of himself, he has no one else to blame.
Trust YOURSELF to be a man women can respect...even a Virgin can do that. Trust yourself to put Mr. Happy in the right woman...not just one who is willing to open her legs.
Your heart is not connect to your penis. You will not die.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2016): Don't tell them you stand to make a lot of money later.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2016): Its funny when you talk about yourself its like you are describing me. I have been exactly where you are at. What seems like is frustrating and making you feel like crap is actually very simple. You just don't understand how women work, its a "game" if you will. Women are attracted to status and wealth. You see I'm almost 30 and still a virgin not because I have to be, but because I realized how things work in the dating world. You are in the best position possible when it comes to dating women but you are beating yourself up over it too hard. You are too emotionally invested in finding a women and that is not a good place to be. You need to sit back and relax, you have to realize that you don't "need" a women. But rather a women would enhance your life, but she is not a must. That is the first step and when you do that you free your mind and emotions to be happy and carefree. These two traits will make you that much more attractive. You have to also realize that in todays society women usually have on average about five guys in their circle that they are talking to and considering dating. So that whole issue of "trust" you need to throw out the window. Where their is opportunity for cheating then their is always the potential for it as well. so you need to realize that you may never be able to trust women 100% but that's okay because strong trust is built over time (at least that's the way it should be). You will just have to make them play their game by YOUR rules and its high stakes but that just the way it has to be. The women in your life left you because they had "options". Those guys either had more social status or wealth than you. You need options as well so stop dating one or a few girls at a time. Date a couple dozen at a time that way you meet more girls and you don't get hung up on one. If a girl wants to be exclusive and you like her then great but make sure she is playing by your rules. Exclusive means exclusive and its either your way or the highway. You will have to be patience though because girls know how to push the boundary and usually will have more options then you. You just need to raise your standards. For example if a girl flakes on meeting up with me TWICE without a good reason as to why she cant meet up, and doesn't reschedule I cut her off. She may have other options but so do I so I move along no point in chasing women who don't have a high interest level in you. It saves you the likely hood that she will cheat on you in the future. Using this method I have found many girls who like me a lot and that I am very compatible with. But I will have to say that its a numbers game and requires a whole lot of patience especially when you are looking for something serious. That's is the reason I'm holding off on sex until I find a girl that I feel meets my standards. I am with one now and she is promising but we'll see. Its funny because when you have high standards for women to meet; you all of sudden become attractive and sought after. But when I was your age and was desperate and wanted anything I could get my hands on, guess what? I got nothing haha.P.s. You will have to decide how to use your profession in the dating world because just as much as it makes you that much more "attractive" to women it can also hurt you by attracting the wrong kind of women. Also you should follow coach Corey Wayne on YouTube if you don't already he gives great dating advice. Good luck man and don't be so hard on yourself, you deserve to be happy in life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2016): I really understand how you feel. I think I give the best advice to people I can really relate to. I went through a pretty cynical period after my partner died. Seemed I just ran into a series of weirdos, sex-addicts, drunks, druggies, and I just decided to stop dating. I kept making friends. I don't regret that in the least. I got asked out by some really hot guys, but sex was always the objective; nothing meaningful or intellectual. So I became celibate. Got asked out even more! Turning people down makes you some kind of a challenge I guess.
You're too young to be bitter. You haven't had enough dating experience to really form such negative opinions about women. Just so you'll know, I dated women before I ever dated men. Women nowadays are no longer allowing men to treat them as their mothers, grandmothers, and great grandmothers were treated. They're more independent, and just as cynical about men as you are about them.
People in your age-group have less patience, and a strong sense of entitlement. You want everything yesterday, and expect to have all the good boxes checked-off before you even know who you're dealing with. Let alone if you're even worthy of all the high expectations you set for others.
You expect everyone to just fall in-line and in-love. You're now learning about the weeding process. You date, have fun, meet new people; and if the chemistry works, it may last awhile. You have to stop being on a mission looking to fall in-love in an instant. Be realistic.
Screw that Hollywood love-at-first-sight bullsh*t! Love takes time to find, takes time to get to know each other; then it takes time to build trust. Time! Nobody's got time!
Well, love takes whatever time it wants. You'll see.
Love is evasive, and happens when all the planets are properly aligned. When fate and destiny decides this is it. So, you make yourself visible. Get educated, work on your attitude, improve your interactive and communication skills, take care of your body, be kind to others, and maintain exceptional hygiene. You'll be worthy of someone equal. Learn something about style, and improve on your appeal. Expecting a lot and offering little is what most people do these days. The conceited types expect perfection. Nobody's perfect. Forgoing a lot of good prospects; because looks are highest on their list of priorities. Appearances my impress others, but it's what they don't see that you have to deal with.
Being superficial and promiscuous deserves getting the worst matches. Until you learn better. But still have fun!
So, when you drop your cynical attitude, and adjust it a bit; you'll have a more positive outlook. That will give out a better vibe; and the right kind of ladies will pick you up on their radar. In order to gain experience, you have to deal with those ladies you don't trust. Expect rejection, to be lied to, cheated on, and whatever. You're dating other human beings. You might be a nice guy, but you're not perfect. One, if not all, of the females you've dated; will have a few not-so palatable opinions of you.
I can start with, you're bitter. You have a negative and pessimistic outlook. So you attract the worst types to yourself, or you may even turn them into what they weren't before. So point one finger, three point back!
Date because you find a lady interesting and attractive.
You'd like some companionship, and don't be so deep to start with. Sex will happen, but don't make a big deal about whether you're a stud or not. It's all instinctive, and she'll coach you if you're not too proud and self-conscious to listen. Pouting is for bratty little boys. Not grown-men. So man-up.
Have some fun. Flirt, be yourself, relax. Put the bitterness aside. You haven't been on the planet long enough to have such serious opinions about the ladies.
Ten or eleven years ago you were nothing but a boy.
So how many bad ordeals can you fault women for, since say 11 or 15? Seriously?!!
Tone down the resentment, you just had a few mishaps.
It didn't kill you, you still have all your body-parts, and there are no visible scars. You learn from bad experiences, toughen a little; then you bounce back into the game. Love is a gamble, and requires risk. Eventually you'll find the lady who matches you best. I found someone after being dumped, celibate, lonely, and a little frustrated. I wasn't searching at the time. That's kind of how it happens.
So keep trying. Don't take it too hard when it doesn't go as you hoped. Anything precious or worthy of having is hard to find, and takes work to protect and maintain. You'll see in "time." You'll find a gem, but you've got to polish-up your own act first. Starts with attitude, boyfriend!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2016): You do sound very insecure, and that may attract the wrong kind of woman to you. You are still very young too, so don't be so concerned with worrying about never finding a partner. You and your peers will grow up over the next decade and you will see a change in the dating material also. It gets better.There is nothing wrong with taking things slow and getting to know a girl as a friend first, before dating her, though you may run the risk of her putting you in the "friend zone". However, I do know people who are happy together that were friends for a long time first and it just worked out for them. Also, keep in mind that you will not receive anything you are not willing to give. If you will not open up and be intimate and vulnerable with someone, they will probably also keep you at arms length. Why should they open up themselves if you will not take the same risk? It may be scary, but you will never get the relationship you want if you don't show someone by example.Hope this helps a bit. Relax!
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