A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hi guys. ive got a rough situation at the moment. here goes;id known of this guy for about 2 yrs only really got to know him about 6 months ago..he can on holiday with me and some friends about 3 months ago when one of my friends told me this guy was flirting with me..i was/am attracted to him so we flirted with each other. he text me all the time and told me he wanted to try it on.and my friend told him i liked him...we went camping again with a group of friends n he asked if we could fool around i said yes as i figured he liked me. long story short we started sleepin together shortly afterwards..i told him i liked him and he said he didnt want a relationship it was all mutual...so i accepted this but we continued sleeping together but he got more flity...sitting next to me putting his legs over mine asking for kisses and hugs all the time...so i reaffirm that i like him...he again says no so i distanced myself coz i figured whats the point chasing a tail if u havent got one..but the next day he asked me for a date...i sed yes and was naturally excited..but the following day he tells me intears that he doesnt want the date and has never liked me like that...but the he texts me that night begging me to go to his as hes changed his mind made a mistake and he wants to be a couple...obviously i treaded with caution but accepted we spent the night talkin and cuddling it was great...then he asked me to stay over i did we slept together again then the next morning he asked me to stay the night again but i said i didnt know as i was working...he carried on holdin my hand and resting his head on me then turned white started crying again n told me he didnt want to be with me he only liked me as friend and he had no romantic feelings for me and he only went out with me because he felt he owed it too me to try...no hes cold as tho ive done something wrong..though ive caught him looking for me at work.....ive not begged or been horrible ive simply remained civil because of work....but i guess my question is did this guy ever like me...how can u only like someone as a friend yet be the one to initiate all physical contact and flirting ...do i look at this guy as a user or what...ive got a million answers spinning in me head and a million opinions ...n i cnt ask the guy as he just says he doesnt want to talk about it..so if anyone has anything the can give me id greatly appreciate it.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 August 2014):
 Oh I see. The " tenderness fallacy " at work... again.
You are another of those ( many ) girls that for some reason have gotten into their heads that if it is just sex then it must also be... inhuman. No tenderness, no intimacy, no camaraderie, no flirting. Just coupling like animals, out of sheer lust, and when it's done, everyone on his own way. So, if it is just human, then it must be more.
I must say that it never ceases to amaze me, this IS a newfangled concept- it never used to be that way, and ,let me tell you, I may not be spring chicken but , if any, when I was growing up sex was MORE experimental, liberated and recreational than now, because sexual freedom was a relatively new thing and not an absolute given.
Now it seems that many girls think that sex and love can be two very different things ( correct ) , so they must have no common language , no common way of expression ( incorrect ). If it is just casual sex.... then there's no space and no need for cuddling, or embracing , or a bit of affection, uh ? It HAS to be just in and out , in and out, game over, - go home.
That's false. It depends from each person's sexual style, and individual temperament. If one just wants no frills physical release ,- there's always masturbation , with or without porn. Less complications. IF one bothers to actually have sex with a human being,generally it's because they want more out of the sexual experience ( and that holds true for most women but also for many men ). Sex is also about sensuality, and relaxing, and being soothed, and getting warmth and comfort from another body. It's not about just genitalia, it's about pleasing all the senses,- and the mind too, albeit for a limited time. But for some reason many women think that if it's just for fun, then it has to be "technical ", " surgical "( I wonder where's the fun in that ). So no space for a little endorphine- caused tenderness, for being cuddly or making it " nice ". If it is " nice " then there HAVE to be feelings involved, it MUST mean so.
No no. It just means that they like it nice. Same as you do. With cuddles and caresses etc. It just feels better that way . More enjoyable. More sensual.
My, there must be around a lot of selfish , crude, unsophisticated lovers , to make all these women think that sex excludes any form of intimacy whatsoever.
The place where to see IF there are feelings involved, is out of the bedroom. How they treat you once orgasms are over, and the oxytocin has stopped flowing. If they want to be around you, if they are interested in knowing you, your ideas, if they want to be a part of their daily life, - if they like you also when you 've got your panties on.
A guy who's cuddly and nice while you are getting it on or right after, is just , well, I'd say normal, but apparently it is not that normal anymore. Let's say he is a mellow, chill guy who likes it this way.
No need to beat yourself up, though. Lesson learned- you can't learn without making mistakes.
Mind you, the mistake is not about " promiscuity " or what you want to call it, it's about expectations.
Believe it or not, I am not even as drastic as you, if one is single and has safe sex I don't see casual sex as " wrong ". As long as one knows what they want. If they want a relationship, they have to operate in a very different way than if they just want an adventure or a fling or an FWB. The important is to know which is which, and be sure about what you want. If you go to a restaurant and order a
cheese sandwich, ...you do not feel disappointed or guilty or inadequate if they do not bring you a fillet mignon in sauce bearnaise- because you only wanted a sandwich. But if you order a sandwich , thinking hoping guessing wishing you could also get a fillet... then you are going to feel let down or fooled.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2014): i can honestly see exactly what ur saying cindy cares....i really can and believe me ive taken responsabilty for my part...i know i shouldnt of just slept with him...ive never done it before...ever ...i had a boyfirend i was with from being 16 and i was with him for 9 years...i dont jump into bed with people i have no feelings for i dont see sex as a way in and im certenly no sucker for thinking flirting and things means he loves me ...i have no illusions...n i wont say he used me as such becuase in a way we used each other...what i am struggling with is why say no then the next night get even more flirty romantic and cuddly than hes ever been. it was mixed signals all the way and to be honest still is...he barley texts but occasionally drops me one sayin hope ur ok...and then tries to be really chatty...then at work will try and talk to me then when other people are around he wont even look at me....again im no fool and like yourself im quite a straight talker and quite old fashioned in a way were i see things in black and white ...theres no inbetween with me you either like me or you dont ...if not thats ur call dont talk talk to me...its just this yes no ...then othing...then everything thats confusing me coz i dont work like that ...so i guess i struggle to see how other people can...im the girl who calss easy girls discusting..they may be lovely people but the idea of having sex with anyone just for sex sake is repulsive to me...maybe hes got a mind set that doesnt match mine and ill never quite get it and maybe in the long run i should chalk it down to experience n let it rest which to him for all intents and purposes i have ...just my head is stuck in a loop about it..but i do very much appreciate your honesty x
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (4 August 2014):
Let's begin from your second quandary, that's the one whch has got an easy answer. Why was he the one doing the chasing . Simple : because he wanted to get laid :). Even in this days and age, unless he is Brad Pitt or some really hot dude that has to fend them off with a stick, guys are prepared and used to sweat it a bit to get sex, and they'll do it gladly and normally too, as a matter of fact it adds interest, the thrill of the chase.
As for the first question ( why offering you a date then cancelling ) we have two possible answers :
1 ) he told you the truth, he did feel like he OWED you morally to give it a try, then realize he could not do it
2) he bullshitted you- he felt or guessed that you might be frustrated with the status quo, and maybe likely to get fed up and slip away so he had to come up with some gimmick and string you along somehow.
No. 2 would be the " bad guy " 's M.O., and would seem to confirm what you think, right ?... that he has been leading you on on purpose, sending you mixed signals, etc.
Yes and not. Not really.
Look, I know that you want to feel like it's all his fault and you have been duped and ill used , and you had no part in this fiasco, it's all on him- it's understandable, but it boils down to the difference between fault and responsability. Nobody says that it's your FAULT, but... that thinking along these lines will keep you stuck into helpless victim mode, a damsel in distress that has to kiss lots of toads before meeting the prince... NO ! It is not like that , if you take responsability. Like what ?
Like, 1 ) realizing that mixed messages ARE a negatve message in itself. When you get mixed messages, it's no good and you know for a fact that you should not even go there. The only message worth listening to is a clear, inequivocable YESSS! If someone is flip flopping, then you KNOW that they aren0t that much into you, ... same as they had told you before.
2 ) As the other poster suggests , listening to actions , not words. A promise of a date means nothng, a DATE does.
It only counts what they actually DO, not what they say they hope or want or think they'll be doing at some point.
Of course , it depends from the background and curcumstances, if your best friend since childhood says she wants to go to the movie with you on saturday, you can believe her and keep saturday free for her.
But... a guy that has already turned you down a couple of times or more,.. and that you have only being seeing for casual sex,.. and that you don't really know that well as a person... says he wants to take you on a date ?... Mmmmh-take him seriously when you ARE on a date, with your feet under the table of a fancy restaurant :). Before that, it's all fluff , that NEEDS to be taken with a pinch of salt.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2014): thanks for ur responses girls...and i completely get what the first answer is saying i do hence y i reaffirmed it he sed no so i distanced myself....i wasnt horrible or cold just pulled away from the physical contact as i figured well i know where i stand im not offended thats life...whats threw me was the asking for a date then askin me to be a couple....if u dont want that y lie...we wudda been fine just staying friends and im not an obsessive clingy person never have been...i just feel like if he would have stuck to his guns all this could of been avoided rather than flippin back and forth...thats what i see no need for ...and answer number two ...i feel validated in ur answer because at least someone else can see that it was the talkin and his actions that lead to the confusion...as i said i didnt even notice it at first my friend did...i didnt chase...he did...if it was the other way around then i can see how i wud look like i was basing my judgement on wishful thinking..but again seeing as it was him who did everything..i literally followed his lead...i will not be making that mistake again....but thanku girls :) x
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (4 August 2014):
It does not sound so mysterious to me. When he says " he only liked you as a friend " obviously he does not mean that he always only liked you platonically, with no physicall attraction. Au contraire, he means - and showed - that he does find you physically attractive, but no girlfriend or dating material, so he does not want to do with you what he'd do with a gf or an official date... only what he'd do with a friend... with benefits.
We may call him a user if you want, but I don't know, personally I think he has been clear enough about what he wanted from you , and you have been led astray by your wishful thinking. If you decide that a guy, who has alreday told you he just wants to try it on, and has never asked you out on a real date, etc..is in love with you just because he's touchy feely and touches your legs etc.. ah well . That's about pleasing the senses, not about beng soulmates.
Look, as terribly old fashioned it sounds, even to myself while I am writing it !, yet they haven't invented a valid alternatve to this : if you want to be in a relationship, first you make sure it IS a relationship, then you add the sex. Like, first you date for some time, spend time out of the bed, talk, go places together, meet each other's friends, - then you check sexual compatibility .
If you just start from mutual physical attraction, it's at your own risk and peril, somethng perhaps may develop out of it, but in the majority of the cases, the situation is already clear cut and the hand of cards has been dealt already. And in this time and age, when women have freedom of choice, freedom of movement, sexual freedom- I feel , unless you are very young or have lived a very sheltered life, in many cases it is unfair to play the " he used me " card. With freedom comes responsability of your choices. Buyer beware. If you make impulsive, rush choices, or uninformed choices - the results are often disappointing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2014): This guy lied to you to get you into bed.
That is the long and short of it.
He is a douche bag- that is obvious.
But I hope this doesn't make you distrust all men.
There are some wonderful men who are not like this. So chin up and forget about him. Next time, focus on his actions not his words. If all he wants to do is get intimate then you have reason to worry. When he truly cares, he'll want to hang out and visit places and play sport and get to know you in more than just sexualité terms. Xoxo
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