A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:My partner’s divorce is just coming through. He is depressed and not very nice to my small son and I, sometimes. Everyone sees him as a lovely man and when we first started out I could talk to him about anything, he was my rock. Now it is my turn to be strong.I had a very bad time before we got together and I have put loads of effort into therapy (although he does not approve of this). There were times when I reacted extremely and destructively to any perceived threat between us. I have now put all my faith in him and have worked very hard to overcome my own limitations and develop trust again. This has gone very well and should be a relief to both of us but I am not sure that he has noticed my improvement yet. He sometimes says things like he has considered killing himself and maybe I should not love him too much in case something happens. I worry about it then he tells me I am over-analysingIt is obvious that we do love each other. However, I notice that he concentrates on negative things about me. (I react more when hormonal but the things I worried about were all linked to betrayal and I have been working hard to clear that so I know for a fact I have been better). At the moment I am a less than perfect Mum, my son is spoiled, I have a job that is not worthy of me, he contributes more financially, I am disorganised, the house is a mess, I organise him and map out his weekends with unwanted social events (when I really believe I have always asked him first). The day before yesterday he called to say he needs me to know how much he loves me and it was a really nice call. He said he does not know why I love him when all he does is moan at me and criticise my son.He has left everything to be with me, all money, two daughters (adult) and has had big battles with family over it all. Christmas was really bad for him with missing his family and so was not all joy for me either.I find I am expected to be a rock when I am a layer of newly put down concrete where the top has only just set. How can I hold this together? Are there any folk out there who have been supporting a partner through divorce or is there anyone who has been through what he has and can advise? Sometimes I think I should stop thinking, just hold out my hand in support but make more of my own life. It is hard, though, when the person you love does not seem to like you much at times and I am not tin plated. The bottom line is that I do love him so very much but when my Dad did something nice for me today I burst into tears.
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female
reader, KayKayKay  +, writes (9 January 2008):
Depression is real. He needs to get help (maybe an RX) and get through his divorce. Give him time to heal Read a book on grief together...he is suffering from the realization that his marriage/relationship REALLY failed...and he knows he played a role in it...it's always' a two way street.RECOMMEND that you laugh together every day....rent funny movies...read commic books...Laughing helps the brain chemicals and helps us remember that we can feel joy even during time of difficulty.Also, strenghten your self through your other resources such as your church, your community service or/yogo/etc. You need to be as strong with him as you are without him. He needs you to be the rock right now. He will be an amazingly strong person when this is over. Have faith and be patient waiting for that day. BE TOUGH! BE STRONG! Be what you would need him to be for you if you reversed rolls.
A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (9 January 2008):
 Love is NOT enough. He is treating you like crap. He is treating your son like crap, and THAT is the biggest red flag of them all.
He is a man. He is the one to be YOUR rock, not the other way around. He needs a mommy, not a lover.
You can surely do better.
-Frank B Kermit
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