A
female
age
,
*stWife
writes:I am still sad, but finally angry. I was married 30 years. Five years ago, my husband walked out very abruptly. I didn't learn till after the divorce that he had met someone on-line from Malaysia and was going to bring her here. (This was a good man, church man, and had ALWAYS been a good guy!) I have been reeling from the divorce, and since he brought her here last Dec., I continued to hope he would realize his mistake and come back to me. He had a serious medical condition a few weeks ago, and I went to the hospital. I made the mistake of asking if he was happy. He said YES. That devastated me. I know, I know, I don't know why I was expecting anything else. Anyway, I am finally MAD. I really hadn't been before (just extremely hurt). BUT, I still don't know how to move forward. It hurts me so much that he is HAPPY, when I am so sad, and our adult children are sad, and his entire family and our friends are so sad over this. Help?
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female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (28 October 2008):
 It takes time to re-build a shattered self image. There are little things you can do, but it really comes from within. Maybe try to give your look an over-haul. Take up some new hobbies or take a few classes. You meet people (i.e. available men) doing the things you enjoy. Join the gym. Get a new hairdo, try out some new make-up tips, cover the gray with some highlights and be experimental with your clothes. Eventually you'll catch some eyes and it will make you feel much better inside. Once your insides feel secure again you won't really care about meeting someone new, you'll just be able to relax and enjoy your life. That's when you'll find him. I wish you the best.
A
female
reader, 1stWife +, writes (23 October 2008):
1stWife is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks to those who responded. This site is new to me. I am vacillating between anger and sadness toward my EX. I have forgiven him and do not want to be a bitter divorcee..that sucks! I am truly trying to move on..but I am MAD that he is happy. Is that wrong? or am I just jealous that he is happy? I have been miserable and want him miserable if truth be told. I am pressing on. Losing weight, changed the hair..looking cute...but at my age(57) , it is near impossible to meet single guys. I am usually positive and upbeat..but this has worn me down and beat the crap out of my self-esteem. I know I am a valuable, loving worthwhile person..but, bottom line is, he left me for HER! How do I get my self-esteem back!??
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2008): Well I think you should see this as positive because you have moved from victim to a kind of normal human response. You have every right to be angry and I would seek an activity - exercise related - in which you can harness that cortisol and adrenaline and get it out. Be aware that storing anger is bad for your health and don't let that suffer - your husband has done enough damage. When I left my husband because I could no longer take the emotional abuse I was angry - oh boy was I - and this anger drove me on it got me through and I did tasks I never thought possible - I fitted a carpet myself ( who needs a man I thought), I moved house single-handed, I stood up for myself at work. You get the picture. I am not saying get on the rampage but really use your strong feelings to fight back on some positive change in your life. I felt as though I was better than him - and I think deep down you must know you are. Yes everyone is sad but there is only really two people in this - and the very best way you can get through this is by being the better person. Why not really challenge yourself? Do something that will make him question himself. Dragging someone from overseas via an online dating website to be with him is pretty easy. Why not consider a challenge for charity, run a marathon, take up a hobbie, be brilliant at something you have always felt passionate about. Being down trodden will never help you and it will just make you spiral down. Best revenge? Don't get mad, don't even get even, get your esteem and self worth so high up there he could never reach it. Refresh your wardrobe, makeover your hair and stick it to him. It could be an exciting time in your life. If you struggle changing your thought patterns try a short course in NLP or even brief or fast therapy.
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (23 October 2008):
This is a very sad situation and I feel bad for you. Your husband was living a lie. Trying to be someone he is not. And only God knows how long he went through the motions before he took action. I don't know why these things happen, but they do and they are most difficult to endure. I have been in your situation but I was the one who left. And I know it shocked upset alot of people in our social circle. But it really came down to this; my husband and I grew apart. Truthfully we were young when we married, and I think at the tender age of 19, I was more interested in the comfort factor, than the "zest". I knew early into the marriage that I was not really attracted to him, but he was a good man and we had a fairly decent life together. But over time, it became more difficult to pretend my happiness. I was always dreaming of finding someone else and I studied other men, and other couples trying to figure out what was missing in my life. My husband, though he was a good provider was the strong silent type, so I never really felt like I knew him. We didn't share things the way other couples did. Also he hated social activities so I usually went to functions without him. Pretty soon, I started meeting other men at these events and before long, I clicked with a man who shared my need for conversation and similiar hobbies etc. I knew then, it was time to leave. I felt like I'd been sitting on the sidelines of my life for too long. I hated hurting my husband but I knew I had been unfaithful to him in search of what I was missing and I didn't want to keep doing that either. It was a painful choice, but the right one and yes I am happy. But my life is very different and it has many more ups and downs than it did before. My husband and I existed in a comfortable place where we just existed without passion or excitement. He would've probably been the perfect man to grow old with, except that I was too young to think about that. My life is now rich with experiences, passions and emotions. Some of which are sad but at least I feel like I'm living and not dwelling inside my comfortable shell. I know this may be hard to hear, but you will grow from this experience and one day find happiness again IF you allow yourself to do so.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (23 October 2008):
Are there any support groups that you cold go to locally?
Unfortunately your husband turned out to be a horrible man and I'm sorry but horrible people exist.
He's lost his kids, and his wife and I'm guessing his new dial a bride will not make him happy long term. You just have to hope that he will get his karma back at some point.
You have to cut contact with him and move on. I can't tell you how to do that because it's so easy to say but so incredibly hard to do. Your kids are grown up so at least you can talk to them about it and not have to hide your feelings.
You have your friends around you and he doesn't. Lean on them to get you through this and organise a girls night out to see a saucy male musical or something silly to cheer you up.
What you have to do is let the anger out and use it to carry you forward. If you keep it inside then you'll end up sat at home drinking yourself to death with the curtains closed and wearing your wedding dress.
Don't let the bitterness creep in.
Good Luck!! xx
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