A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a relationship with a married man for 3 years. We have known each other for 40 years. We were together 38 years ago went our own ways and ran into each other for lunch and the rest is history. We love each other very much but I can't take the ups and downs much longer. The hardest thing I will ever have to do is walk away from him but I know I have to. I just don't know how to do it without being sucked back in.I tried to walk away once before but he was devestated so I stayed. I'd appreciate any suggestions to help get through this.
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (13 July 2016):
Finally realizing that you are being used for sex as nothing more than a convenient mistress should give you the push you need ...
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 July 2016):
 I would start by telling him, and then I would block him.
I think the LESS power you give him to "control" the outcome and YOUR future, the better.
But then again I am a fan of "cold turkey" and "ripping of a band-aid in one go". I think it's just (on average) easier to get over and move on after a bad relationship if you KNOW you are the ONE who made the decision to have a better life.
Now he may not want to let you go, but really, that shouldn't be up to him, but up to you. After all he has NOTHING substantial to offer you while being married.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2016): Thank you for your help. Deirdre you are so right it is hard to go cold turkey. I have been trying not to take all his calls and pulling back but I need to be stronger to make this work. I know you are so right about seeing him less and less often. I believe that is the way I will go to make the break work. Once again thank you all for your help.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2016): I think the problem stems from the fact that you have known each other for so many years.Presumably you had a sexual relationship with him when you were younger and i wonder if you had a child for him in those early days-perhaps even a secret love child!Reconnecting so many years later and still experiencing a fatal attraction so many years later must have been an exhilarating feeling!But it is clearly not enough for you after 3yrs of stolen moments.The very fact that the moments are stolen is what inspires him to keep seeing you , but it is also the reason it is frustrating for you, knowing that you are still alone in many ways while he goes home to wifey!Perhaps it doesnt sit well with your morals and you expected the reconnection to be something more than a secret sexual excursion.It might be helpful for you to think about why you went your separate ways all those years ago when you really had the chance to be not only an item but a family if you had gotton engaged and married.You must have been otherwise occupied for 38yrs so therein lies your answer.What was it that preoccupied you all those years ago and why have 38yrs vanished in their own right and been morphed into "length of friendship time.
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A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (12 July 2016):
It probably feels like this man is a huge part of your life. You need to start by distancing yourself from him, going cold turkey isnt for everyone. See him less and less often, find hobbies or enjoyable things to fill your days that dont involve him. Maybe some kind of class, whether it is a craft, book club or walking group? Since you are computer literate try to search for things going on in your area/city, perhaps volunteer at an animal rescue? Remember you can regret wasting time on not leaving a toxic relationship sooner and it is time that you will never get back. Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (11 July 2016):
 I can sympathize that this is difficult for you and that you do love this man, but do you believe he loves you? Surely if he did he would leave his wife to be with you? Nobody wants to be a homewrecker, you just need to be very strong and avoid all contact. He won't be as devastated as you think he will be because he has his wife, even when he has been with you, he still chooses her to go home to. It is you that will have the loss here, not him. But it will be far better for you being away from this man. You just need to be strong and remind yourself that he has a wife and you don't want to be the bit on the side.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2016): If he was so devastated, why didn't he leave his wife?
The usual answers they give are:
"It's complicated." "She will rake me over the coals and I'll have nothing left." Here's a good one: "She'll take my kids away from me!"
They all translate to this: "My wife's a good woman and you're just a piece on the side. I've got a huge ego, and I'm a man with a huge sexual-appetite. I deserve my own harem, or many wives. Why should I give her half my assets; when I can replace her without getting a divorce?"
Here's another bitter pill you can chew on: "My wife's really a better woman, and I just need a different bed-partner when I get bored with having sex with her!" How's that? Feel like changing the locks yet? Maybe moving to another state to re-establish your independence?
I hope he's rich, lavishes you with expensive gifts, and pays the bills. You're sacrificing your whole life for him.
Karma has punished you by allowing someone meant for you to pass you by. That's why your affair was never interrupted. You're stealing from another woman. Betraying a sister. Sharing a man, who won't give up his wife. So whomever would have been in his place, is long gone. So are your younger years. You still get another chance. Just do the right thing. Walk!
Your destiny is only placed on hold. Love returns from a different source. Someone meant entirely for you. That is what life's journey is about. Our final destination and someone we've prepared ourselves to meet and settle-down with. Love defined in the truest sense. Before we shut our eyes for eternity.
Sweetie, you love him very much. He favors her and he's sticking with the one he cares for most. You're just "old-faithful;" and his ego will not let another man around his sexual-property. Thus the crocodile tears. I can't believe you fell for that one, girlfriend. You've played second-fiddle, and his mistress for far too long. Look who benefits the most. It sure isn't you, hon!
Man-tears? Seriously?!!
These things will eventually be accepted by your subconscious-mind, as the reality of the situation.
You've deluded yourself to believe this is real-love.
It's convenience. The pleasure is all his!
Getting the emotions to coincide with your common-sense is a hard task sometimes. You're part of the way there; because you're tired and you know "you deserve better."
As cliches go!
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (11 July 2016):
 Remind yourself that:- if he truly loved you, he'd leave his wife for you,- if he respected you, he would value you enough to not let you be "the other woman",- you deserve to have someone who loves you properly,- you need a 6+ month break from men to re-invent yourself, re-assess your moral compass, find a new hobby, make new friends, etc.You can do this, but you'll need to cut all contact with him. Block his number, email, social media, etc. Do not talk to him at all. You tell him it's over and that's it. Nothing more.If need be, get some counselling. It may be hard to do, but it's just a matter of sticking to it.
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A
female
reader, Deeksha  +, writes (11 July 2016):
 Good that you realized that you need to move away and that you shouldn't be a home wrecker. Stop convincing yourself of the fact that he will be devastated when you leave him, as you will be devastated if you stay. You are always going to be his dirty secret. And you have not seen enough of life. There is still a lot left. Moving away is not that easy but not that difficult too. Stop texting him or calling him. Block him from everywhere. Don't see him or pass by his streets or his workplace. Talk to all the others in your life. Spend time with your family. Socialize a lot. Make yourself busy at work. Do your best at your workplace. And there is a lot more you can do to move away.
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