A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:How does an older woman ever feel good enough or sexy enough especially when her partner is obsessed with watching women twenty years younger than her. I know the usual answer is to ' realise he is with you and if he wanted that he would have that ' but we most people know , it's not so easy for him to get a woman twenty years younger than him who looks like that I feel like he uses my body to masterbate into whilst dreaming of those women . Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2017): Sorry I hadn't realised I neglected to add , yes he is my husband . I often refer to him as my partner or husband interchangably as that is a common term here and yes he ogles women as well. He has done this all out marriage but over the years I guess I expected he might be interested in woman our age and not maintain an interest only in looking at women in their 20s . It probably didn't occur to me when I was in my 20s or even 30s but as I got older I feel it
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2017): Thanks everyone , amazing advice here . Yes I have spoken to him and he says stop being silly and he loves me . Tells me all men look at those babes and I'm being ridiculous .
A special thanks to female anon who , you gave me so much perspective on another way of seeing this. I think this is becoming a real drain on me and there's so much more out there in terms of just living life
Thanks again to everyone for your kind support
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (23 January 2017):
Let me explain your two biggest mistakes that I see...
First..
"How does an older woman ever feel good enough or sexy enough"
If your partner does make you feel good enough...Why oh why, are you still with him??
Second...
"when her partner is obsessed"
They are just a partner...therefore, easily replaced. Husband and wives... I would say work things out, because there is too much invested to just walk away.
But a partner...A partner is a like grocery shopping. No one in their right minds goes to the grocery store to buy rotting food. The stuff that does not look good or appealing...you leave it right there. You only pay for and bring home the good stuff...yes?
Bad partners you leave behind...good ones, you bring home. And just like food...if it goes bad...you get rid of it. If it stays fresh...you keep it.
STOP thinking if you try harder your partner will change. You are wasting your time...time that you could be spending on the right person, who just wants you, and only you.
So the question is not "How does an older woman ever feel good enough or sexy enough especially when her partner is obsessed with watching women"
It's why are you dealing with this rotting food?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2017): Hun it does not sound silly. It sucks, it really does. This is the sad sad reality that most women will have to face is that their man is attracted to something they don't have, be that physical features, haircolor, thinness, and yes, youth. Thing is, it doesn't mean he isn't attracted to you as well. I'm sure he is. It is just in men's nature to look everywhere.He should be able to assure you that he wholeheartedly loves you. And that is what is truly important.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2017): This question comes up countless times; and there is no real response to it. Men are visual-creatures, and part of sexual-attraction and arousal comes from what we see. It was passed down from primitive man to be attracted to the young attractive female capable of breeding.
Although the instinct is primal, the behavior is not acceptable. We are more sophisticated, educated, and intellectual now. We have evolved from the primal beast we were. Simpler instincts still remain. However; there are different expectations from us as the highly-evolved man. We have grown into a culture and society. We have invented technology. We have incorporated ethics and manners.
It is also the primitive response from the young female of child-bearing age, to be repulsed by saggy wrinkly aging old males; who cannot keep up with her. Too old to hunt and support his offspring, and too disgusting to look at to get her aroused enough to breed. She cares what her offspring will look like, and she wants them to be strong.
Taking on a wife is a commitment both physically and emotionally. The sexual weaknesses and lust of males is so strong that billions are made in many different industries that exploit it. Ads of all kinds are designed by psychologists to appeal to it; so the psychological-conditioning is always there to encourage this awful behavior. Men even bring-up their sons to believe it's okay. It isn't right, but it's a fact of life.
Strong women know their value, and they also appreciate and embrace their assets and their flaws. You're forgetting just being female gives you a lot of power. Your low opinion of yourself is projected onto your husband. As if you can read his mind. In order to love him and trust him, you also have to have mind-control? Is he not supposed to be heterosexual, which means he is attracted to women?
The fact is, he will always be attracted to women. He will love and be most attracted; specifically to the one chosen as his mate, and the bearer of his children. That was also passed down to us from primitive man.
Sweetheart, there is no shutoff-valve that renders either gender totally immune to anyone else; because you are committed to someone. It's a matter of choice and the strength of the love-bond that holds you together. It's a matter of self-control that will maintain the trust the keeps the commitment solid. If there is no self-control, the trust will be lost. It takes years to build trust in a marriage, and only seconds to blow it. Men are ever-mindful of this, whether women know it or not. It doesn't change life; which presents temptation, obstacles, and weakness.
Men are conditioned to act-out on our male-impulses by society, while women are suppressed. A double-standard I know, but most people realize it. Yet everyone still acts as though there is no exception to the rules. There are. You don't have to feel the way you do, but you have decided that's how he is. So what are you going to do about it? Brainwash him? You have the option to leave, if you're not happy or satisfied.
There is good male-behavior and there is bad male-behavior. Same goes for females. When you can't deal with certain character-traits in your mate, you remove them from your life. You find someone who is more compatible with your needs, and more prone to monogamy. Someone better at hiding the fact he is attracted to other people, and willing to pretend he's not out of consideration for your feelings.
That's called respect.
You also have to love yourself, be realistic about life, understand male-sexuality (minus the myths and stereotypes); and feel sexy with or without male validation.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (23 January 2017):
 AS an older man I can tell you straight up that younger women and bigger breasts(both) are HIGLY overrated! The gal I married still has the best in bed moves and body. I think are just wired to think younger is better(because of the whole reproductive instincts we're born with but reality has a way of hitting us with a 2x4 once we've tried to act upon those instincts. Not to worry he's still liking it with you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (23 January 2017):
 I am also curious WHEN this "obsession" with younger women happens.
And sorry, OP I don't agree that " I have to realize he is with you and if he wanted that he would have that".
NO ONE would want to be with a man who makes them feel LESS than they are. Honestly, I think women (and men) are "sexy" at any age and comparing is a waste of time. IF HE looks at younger women - ogle only wants porn with younger looking women or keep making comments about younger looking women on TV/movies - I think HE has issues that you CAN NOT fix by loving him.
Men (not all of course) but (more than women) don't seem to realize that THEY get older too and while SOME men age gracefully and stay attractive - they have STILL aged!
I don't think ANY woman or man in your situation should just SUCK it up. I'd rethink the relationship instead. IF he makes you feel bad about yourself, is it really WORTH being with him?
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (23 January 2017):
Does he look at porn or is he an ogler when you two are out and about or is it both?
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A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (23 January 2017):
 He's an absolute sleazebag. Many older men are married to women around the same age and they are extremely happy and still VERY attracted to these women. You can see it in the way they look at her, open door for her, or treat her. So your partner is making an excuse to be a sleazebag around you and you let him. Dump him and move on! There are plenty of men who are willing to date women around their age, they just want someone who hasn't been jaded by life or who hasn't lost her will to make herself look beautiful and stand up for herself. I've heard a story recently of a man who was wealthy, extremely spoiled, just a playboy older man around 50 and he had rotating sugar babies. They were young and hot and it was all superficial. Did you know who he fell for? The woman who was his age. The woman who stood up for herself and he was smitten. Age is just a number. Your outlook, pride, personality and heart is everything.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2017): Awww, I am sorry you feel so bad. That is not a good spot to be in. And I think that many women can relate to you. There are some women who are young who feel ugly or awkward. There are some women who are drop dead beautiful who feel they are unattractive and have very low self confidence. And guess what? There are some older women who put them all to shame! They are confident despite their age and are living a full life because they are happy and feel good about themselves. What is the difference between all of these women? The ones who lack confidence have succumbed to outside pressures and expectations. They have relied on becoming confident (or lacking confidence) through outside sources. They have not embraced their inner confidence, which means, nothing can waver that. Not a man. Not younger women. Not society's ideals. Nothing. And no one. Because you love yourself no matter what. How do you do that? Well, you do not base your worth on a man. You do not base your worth on society's obsession with youth. Of course we all get older. But that is no reason to feel you are worthless. Getting older is a privilege and count your blessings God has given you another day. You can be sexy and in your 50's. There are a lot of women who are. Because they FEEL that they are. I am an example. I am 49. I have always been above average in looks and I am used to male attention. I will not lie. I have gotten things and gotten places due to my looks. BUT I also have a personality. A sense of humour. I am intelligent. I have a good heart. I can put myself down and laugh at myself. I do not go around caring what others think of me. Or my looks. My looks are not the same as when I was 25. In fact, I look BETTER! I am in the best shape of my life and I feel sexier than ever.My life experience has given me incredible confidence. I have made it through so many situations and have gained so much wisdom. You come to this point of self awareness and self acceptance. Where you don't give a shit what others think. What matters is what you think. I base my self worth on more than my looks. And this is key. I am the oldest of five kids. Four of us are female. My youngest sister was a "surprise" and she is 20 years younger than I am. So, quite an age gap between the oldest and youngest in my family. I could literally be her mother! Lol When I go out with her, I do not feel bad. Men look at her. But they also look at me. I feel like her sexy, older sister. Not her mom. The lesson here is to embrace your uniqueness and what makes you special as a person. Qualities others do not have, especially not young women. I will tell you that they are mostly looks obsessed. And do not have much more going for them simply because they are not like fine wine. They have not had the years behind them to become interesting and seasoned. A man who looks at them is only looking at the youth and the package. It is fleeting. Most men do. Yours is not different. And they move on. I do not compete because I stand on my own. But I could stand very well on my own against anyone half my age. Having said that, there are days I feel like crap and look like crap but c'est la vie! That's life. I don't care. You must realize we all have good days and bad days. And embrace it all. All your flaws and imperfections. They make you who YOU are.If you are not happy with yourself, try not to blame your partner or society or other things all the time. Try to look within yourself. Do things to regain that confidence. Try a new hairstyle or colour. Start working out. Eating better. Sleeping well. Try taking a new course or finding a new passion. I dance. This gives me great confidence. Taking your partner out to dance classes would be an amazing way to connect. While gaining confidence. Write down all the things you love about yourself and focus on those.It goes both ways you know. Men age too. They get pot bellies and lose their hair! I suspect yours has both. So, WHY is it that we need to feel bad about our looks and age when men age too and they are not nearly as attractive as men half their age. Men with six pack abs, all their hair, a healthy glow, incredible stamina and vitality for life. Maybe these young guys are much more fun and open. So, remember, it does go both ways. But for some reason, women tend to take it much harder. I suggest you start looking at younger men. Give him a taste of his own medicine.If he really makes you feel bad and you feel that he is always fantasizing about other women, then what kind of a partner is he? You know you are good enough to find a better man for you. Because you are CONFIDENT. Why would any woman like to feel put down and not good enough all the time? It wears you down. And it does not feel good. We women need to feel special and treasured. Like we are it. And no other woman exists. It is tough because you will always feel there is competition around the corner with men. But you have to be secure in the fact he chose you and loves you. All men look but they don't ogle or go too far with their appreciation of others. They know where to draw the line. And let it go. But if he goes on about it, ogles other younger women in your presence and not in your presence, then that is hurtful. Only you know how far he has gone. If he is making you feel bad about yourself, then it has gone far enough.Have you ever talked to him about this? I think it is always good to be honest. Does he say one thing and do another? He could say he has no interest in anyone else yet keep ogling and being inappropriate. So actions speak louder than words.Maybe you need to tell him to stop or you cannot continue being with a man who makes you feel unappreciated or second best or just convenient. If it is bad enough, I think you should leave him. I do believe you can find better. But in all honesty, even being on your own to regain your self confidence, is better than being with a man who drains it.I think most men are alike, sadly when it comes to women. It's just the way they are programmed. BUT there are good men out there who are EVOLVED and will not succumb to this when they love their wife or girlfriend. This is the kind of a man a woman wants to be with. Please do not let him bring you down. The problem is with HIM. Do you see? NOT YOU. The sooner you realize that, the sooner you can stop feeling so bad. And pick yourself up. Love yourself. Do things for you. It's the beginning of a new year. It is never too late to start again. Or to do new things. Begin by loving yourself. YOUR WORTH DOES NOT DEPEND ON HIM OR ANY OTHER MAN. Men look at women as meat and as objects. You are so much more than that. And you do not want to be subjected to such ridiculous standards. Because they really are! So when he looks at women that way, which is purely on a superficial level, say to yourself that you are so much more. And offer so much more. And how shallow he is and he is not worth your worthiness. All they think about is using them for sex. They have no other interest. That is very sad. Those girls are getting older too. Time does not stand still for any of us. I think you need to refocus your priorities. Shake it up. Volunteer. Find new interests. Join new groups. Focus on YOU. Find the happy woman you once were. She is there, waiting to come out. But she won't unless you give her a push. Try to be positive instead of wallowing in the negative. It is always easier to wallow in your own misery. It is familiar and comfortable but doing something new, going outside your comfort zone, well, that takes guts. You are your own best friend. Give yourself a hug. You are special. :) It is the dialogue who have in your own head that changes it all.I hope I was able to help. Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (23 January 2017):
 A partner/mate is a person that should make you happy, make you feel good about yourself and be someone that you can trust and share good times and bad times together. If this man isn't making you happy, then why stay with him? Life is too short. We really don't know what is going on, only what you say but if this guy is making your self esteem sink to deep levels of self loathing and insecurity...the answer is "NEXT!"
Have you talked to him? Have you expressed your thoughts/feelings? If so, what is his response? Life is short my dear..too short to be with someone who doesn't make you loved and special....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2017): How long have you been with him? Have you spoken to him about your concerns? What has he done to allay your fears?
If his actions don't match his words then there's no need for you to dump your self esteem any lower.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2017): Op here , I should clarify and say that most of the women would be early 30s which is actually more than 20yrs younger than me . This really bothers me a lot . There is abolutely no way he could get anyone like so I can't help feeling he is just with me out of a what he can get mentality
My self confidence is becoming extremely low as I can't help thinking that he is going from looking at young firm bodies to me. I know it might sound silly to some people especially those who are still young but it hurts a lot.
Should I just get out and save myself the heartache of these emotions.
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