A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:It is a long post, I hope you could be patient about me... any opinion would be appreciated!!!Recently I just got out of a horrible relationship of 3 years, I actually feel relieved and alive, although I feel unhappy for having to say goodbye to a person I once deeply loved, and I miss the time we had together. I have a lot of mixed feelings suddenly... about life, what I want actually... etc.I always had trust issues in relationship throughout my life because my first bf cheated on me, and it had great impacts on the way I see men afterwards. Then I had other relationships, but I didn't really trust them although I loved them a lot.I was a very pure girl before I had my first bf (well I guess every one is pure during their teenage years) but I didn't feel the need to own many guys, I didn't ever want to cheat for better looking guys, I wasn't greedy, I didn't even understand why one has to lie in relationships... I just want to love and be loved. It has always been this simple to me. I thought I was satisfied with one relationship, it was already fulfilling enough, and I still remember how fulfilling to create little gifts for the person you love, how much you want to hear them on phone every minute... things like that when you were young.Then I got hurt by my very first bf and had several shorter relationships, and then moved on to another guy "A", we lasted for a long time. He made me change the way how I see men toward the end of our relationship: he actually built up my confidence in men throughout the different stages of our relationship because our relationship was peaceful although we would occasionally argued (he almost cheated on me in the beginning but he changed completely toward the end).To my surprise, I always thought "A" would cheat but I ended up cheating on him toward the end because I think we were lacking sparks?! He forgave me and I tried to be emotionally attached to him again (my feelings already went for the other guy) and it worked. I really appreciated his efforts. We were together for another 2 years then I wanted to break up because I feel I didn't feel attracted to him anymore, and I decided to move on to have a new chapter of my life.I've always known myself well, I have major trust issues with men, and I always avoided serious relationship, but every time I failed ... I always ended up falling completely in love with every man I was with. However, after I broke up with "A", I did not want anything serious after such a long term relationship. I'd rather have no companions than to suspect a person in a relationship, because it drives me crazy... I'd feel really stressed to be in any relationship. I'm scared to get married because I always think feelings will change after getting married, maybe I'm afraid to be abandoned. I'm scared to have kids, because I don't want to promise a future for the kids, I don't want them to suffer. Maybe all these factors make me hesitate to love or be serious again, and because I know it can hurt people, so I decided to stop wanting to be serious.But this guy (I'll call him X, he is the one I cheated with when I was with A, also the guy I recently broke up with) was so sincere and genuine to me in the beginning and stated he wanted a serious relationship with me and asked why I was controlling my feelings for him. After some observation, I tried to start a relationship with him. I was very, very happy with him, it was romantic, we basically saw each other every day, I felt young, and effortlessly sweet and happy, but he had a girlfriend though I am sure he felt very happy with me too, maybe he saw me as someone to be in a "no-strings attached" relationship, no stress, no marriage. He told me he wasn't doing good with her (she was giving him stress for marriage, so he said he would leave her for me. Obviously, he wouldn't and didn't, and this 3-ppl relationship actually lasted for about 2 years (1st year I didn't know because he told me he "left" her already, 2nd year, I found out he had been lying and cheating on me). I was surprised at my tolerance about him and this relationship. If I was the old me, I would have left already. But I did not. He also changed me, he made me think I didn't want to be alone, he made me think I really love to be in love actually, he made me emotionally dependent, he reminded me the pure happiness that I couldn't get since my first relationship. To be honest, I had never been this happy before. But ironically, I can only get a taste of this kind of sweetness from a man who had another woman. However, in these few years, I was in pain and depression, about his lies, cheating, verbal abuse / minor physical abuse, and I had serious trust issues with him... I did not cheat on him but he even had the nerve to say I did!!! Everything just turned out to be so violent and ugly, although I really loved him, I realized he actually is quite needy and he indirectly made me into another HIM!! I knew I needed to get away from him (I was living with him). Hopeless, depressed, angry, and feeling unfair and disappointed in his endless lies, I started to flirt with guys just to make myself feel better, however I did not cheat. Then I moved out. It took me about a month to stop worrying and thinking about this person after moving out, and finally I'm able to BREATHE, LIVE and enjoy life! But then I was quite shocked to realize my mind now goes to the guys that I flirted with... after so many heartaches with this man that I loved!! Although I still think about X, but not thinking about getting back with him, nor in any sexual ways, I think about our past and our happy memories. So basically I was so depressed over a person who just took me one month to get over?? Something strange that I realized these days is that I seem to have lost that feeling to be needed, or the need to have a companion/family like I did feel/have when I was with him. I seem to be the old me again, spontaneous, carefree... happily single... am I normal? Is it okay to be without any companions for life? Am I just scared of getting hurt but deep down in my heart I want LOVE? Am I scared of getting more and more responsibilities? Am I also scared of all these disappointments, depressed feelings once I'm in a relationship? Who am I actually? Why I talked about "trust" with all my ex's and I ended up being the one who cheated (though I don't like to lie, I usually would tell my ex everything because I don't see the need to hold on to a relationship when my mind already goes to another man)? Do I cheat because I wanted to, or because I was unhappy? I'm thinking maybe I'm the type of person who constantly needs sparks in my love life, but I know when you happen to be with someone too long, sparks die down, one seems to move onto needing things other than sparks. But then I think I'm ok to stick with a person for life if I can really trust him, or feel excited about him, why would I need some other guys? I know I am not greedy! So I wonder, when I always wanted to have a good bf/husband, I always thought I wanted something long term, is that actually a lie to myself? I also realized I have always been in the same pattern in my past relationships (except my first one) - I tend to be really insecure with guys in the beginning, the trust issues upset them, and then I argue with them, it also upsets me... then finally I feel safer ALWAYS after I started to feel disappointed and hopeless because I finally get to be thinking more clearly (maybe that's when I start not to care.. since I don't feel attracted to them as much as before) ... then I feel I'd lost the interest in them (but I'm sure it's because I feel disappointed in them first, then I looked for something that makes me feel better elsewhere). Do we all look for something else at some point in our relationship, even if you are fulfilled? How can a person love another for so many years without changing or cheating or wanting something else? I understand the feeling of feeling fulfilled but I think it doesn't last long... I always tell myself maybe I will focus my needs in some other areas as I grow older, but it seems that I only get insecure about relationships, and it's always been the focus. And I don't really think I have low self esteem, at least I don't think I do? I actually just think all people cheat no matter how attractive their partner is... Sometimes I just want to be simple, but am I attracted to simple relationships? You either give up the peaceful type of relationship for something that has more sparks and excitement but short, but each has its good and bad... I might see "relationship failure" something toooo important in my life... so I don't ever want to risk anymore. I never felt this threat and fear in things like career, family, friends, money... only relationship.Sorry it's really really long I know... thanks for reading anyway!! I feel a lot better after I organized my thoughts and wrote them down here... after this I understood a little more about myself also.
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broke up, cheated on me, confidence, depressed, flirt, insecure, money, move on, moved out, my ex, self esteem, spark, violent Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (3 May 2012):
Cheating isn't a destined outcome in relationships, it is a choice. You either do it or don't and millions of people have millions of reasons for cheating.
Instead of looking at other's "relationships" and "love" you need to look at your own life's relationships and such. Cheating is a bad thing because it hurts everyone and this is enough a reason to not do it. Which is why I don't cheat.
My advice would be to seek some type of help and do some deep self reflection. Life can be good if you let it.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (1 May 2012):
 Thank you AuntyEm!!
OP, it's *not* this complicated. There is no, and never will there be any moral or emotional justification for devastating people's lives and relationships on your path to self-actualization.
You care nothing about what you do to other people! What about your boyfriends who you lose the "spark" for? What about the innocent women you devastate by cheating with their boyfriends for extended periods of time?
I'll tell you what I see when I read your posts: I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, ad nauseum. This is the epitome of self-centeredness. Do you even think of the pain you've been causing? Do you even think of the consequences to other people when you cheat on them, or the innocent third parties? No, you gloss over it, bemoan your inability to see a lasting relationship as a reality, and go on your merry way. Of COURSE you won't see the possibility of a meaningful long term relationship! You're chasing butterflies and breaking up love like a wrecking ball.
This isn't about seeing love differently. This is about doing the right thing with integrity. You can wonder and explore your own life and relationships without cheating and destruction. Most mature people, if they feel that their relationship has gotten stale, first work to inject life into it. That usually works. If they realize that they've grown apart, they part ways. There's no reason to bring a third party into it!
It's not complicated. It's simple. There's no cheating gray area. Seriously, you're either a cheater, or you're not. If you were a guy, many responses on here to your cheating ways would be a bit more visceral, and I guarantee that those women you hurt as well as your ex who you cheated on aren't wasting time analyzing your emotional journey.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2012): To reply to the anonymous female reader below (I'm the OP):
I meant he always said he wanted to have a serious relationship with me, because he told me his then GF always makes him stressed about getting married, he never asked me to be his FWB of course... I was stupid to believe his words... it's just now I think back, maybe I gave him the feeling that he doesn't have to have responsibilities for me like getting married or having kids, I wasn't someone who would force him to get married.
But you are right, we started it wrong, maybe that's the price I had to pay for "taking someone's bf", it's just so hard to trust... at first I would think maybe he would do it back to me some day, then I denied it myself, and believed he really loved me and that I was special to him. A part of me still believes this, I don't know why, but not special enough for him to stop lying. So I was finally was logical enough to leave him because I was constantly being so contradicting to myself, thinking "he lies all the time" and "he is a good person he doesn't lie anymore because he's been trying so hard to put efforts.. it's just sad that I can no longer trust him". I have always been giving myself or him chances...
Anyways thanks for the advice and I think I really do need a therapist... not only because of what I have gone thru with X, but because I really have some serious issues that I need to sort out on my own WHEN I'm single.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2012): Thanks for the feedback Thisonestaken, AuntyEm and Xearo.
Sorry I wasn't able to read your comment earlier, Thisonestaken probably due to technical issues. It is such a relieve to read what you told me... and I do think like you... I just feel I'm not being understood. And yes I totally agree that we all see LOVE differently... also agree that many different things/experiences made us become the way we are now.
Please keep in mind, I'm not trying to stir up bad feelings here... I'm really calm and was also calm when I was typing this question... I accept criticisms, and I'm glad some people actually spent time to write me what they think, no matter they are + or -. However, maybe like Thishastaken has mentioned, we all would just RELATE to our own experience, that's why some of you get upset and mad. You can give me opinions on my actions, but why you speak like you are challenging me even on my own thoughts? And if I really didn't consider what my exs thought and felt... why would I even feel guilty? Why would I think so much so that all my friends think I'm trying to defend for my exs? Why didn't I just leave X when I could right after I found out he has cheated? I listened to him because I loved him, and wanted to make this work! I have always been the one who initiated to have talks. It's just he often ignores and that my logics were always trying to fight with my emotions.
And I agree with Xearo, I might have over-analyzed my past, and I'm responsible for a lot of mistakes that I've made, like AuntyEm has mentioned, I am very sorry for A. I think maybe it's really hard for some of you to try to understand my point of view without making you feel I'm just trying to justify my own actions... which I really am not. I'm just explaining why I think in certain way so that some meanings that I wanted to express didn't get twisted into sth else... I would hate myself if I was the old me, and I never could have pictured I would be the one who cheated. So please try to keep an open mind without getting mad... ;)
I shouldn't have used the word "provide" it's my bad for misleading you to think I just sit there and wait for people to feed me w/ love... but don't we all try to communicate to our spouses that we don't feel good about something that they do? Then if they continue doing this, we need to accept it? Or leave them? It really depends on the person right? I think a certain amount of sacrifice is needed by both, but isn't it true that when a person is putting too much into a relationship it becomes unhealthy? Like I said I always "feel" I am the one who has given more than my spouse, this is my own, true feeling. It might not be true to everyone but it is to me. You are saying it like when some people don't like scary movies, you tell them "no it's not scary at all, why don't you try to think it is not scary". Everyone has different standards right?
I still feel a little confused about "low self esteem"... sometimes I am puzzled by that too, but I really don't feel this is the case here, because like Thisonestaken said, I feel a spouse's cheating sometimes has nothing to do with your appearance or how you feel about yourself. I'm just saying "sometimes", that means I understand there are possibilities that your partner MIGHT cheat just because he gets bored or has other problems with me. However a person might cheat just because he / she is greedy. I'm not trying to glorify "cheating" here... I hate people who just enjoys cheating because they want MORE, they lie to achieve this by pretending to be someone they are not and selfishly get something MORE than they are supposed to.
Yes not all people cheat, but really, how many are out there? And why are you so sure that your spouse doesn't or didn't? And how are you so sure you won't in future? I know people always talk about how trust is very important in a relationship, but is it really there? When I trusted someone 200%, they cheated, but when I didn't, they changed to someone who is more trustworthy... isn't it a little ironic... No matter how much you love there can still be doubts. Do you understand it? I don't think you do. I just happen to be someone who thinks too much and is too careful about having my spouse lie to me, so it makes me someone who doesn't love? No, I really don't think so... at least in my dictionary, when I love someone, it doesn't necessarily mean I can trust him all the time, I do have some moments that I trust him so I know how that feels. But I know how sometimes when you don't trust someone it really hurts to love.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (1 May 2012):
 'Personally I think I don't just get bored in a relationship, it's usually the guy disappointing me in the first place, then I feel it's unfair for me to put so much love for one guy... I might just be scared to love, and I get mad when he cannot provide what I want'
Sorry but do you have any idea how banal this statement is???
It's not up to anyone else on this planet to 'provide' you with anything!!!
Relationships are about trust, respect, accepting someones failings as well as the good parts, understanding, showing commitment, being supportive, working together, building...
It's not about 'Ok im with a guy, love all the initial stuff, but when things get a little boring or he doesn't provide me with everything I need that gives me a green light to go cheat' Jeeze Louise!!!!
You are completely clueless!!!!
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (1 May 2012):
I read this...then read more and started to get a little bemused...then I read to the end and saw so many confusing hypocritical statements that you make about yourself and others and whilst it isn't my aim to put you down or to make you feel bad, you have put this 'out there' and I have formed an opinion of you.
Do you have low self esteem?...YES most definitely.
Do all people cheat?...NO they most certainly do not.
Do you respect the true nature of love...NO you do not...you only want what you want and don't care how it hurts other people (YOU say you care but your actions say otherwise)
Do you prefer simple relationships?...NO you do not, you get into things, profess love and then when you get bored (no spark means the same thing) you move on...but you don't make a clean break...oh no...you hedge your bets by cheating, until you find something better!! (this is called using and decieving people)
Do you know what you want?...NOPE!! one minute you are 'Im ok being alone' and the next you are 'I want to love and be loved'...DO you even know how to love someone without being totally self absorbed and putting your own needs first...No you don't.
Do you know the difference between a good relationship and a bad one?...No you don't. You cheat and then complain that you are cheated on??? You say someone is kind and loving then accuse them of abuse???...and then you cheat anyway!!!
You are scared to get married incase you are abandoned???...I very much think it would be you who'd do the abandoning!!
I don't think you are asking for advice because you seem to be entrenched in your own little world where everything is 'fine' and you can do what you want, expect other people to shore you up or blame them when everything goes wrong.
Reality check (based on what you have written) You treat people poorly and have no respect for boundaries...it's all about poor little you!!!
Time to get a cat and move to a remote part of the country my dear because you have some very serious lessons to learn.
(and before you get all het up...I stand up for anyone innocent who has been cheated on, both men and women...I stand against anyone who has trampled selfishly on the emotions of others and purposefully not cared about who they hurt...it is one of the most undesirable traits a human being can have and anyone who does it should feel shame)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2012): Truth be told: There is no such thing as love - only lust and dependency.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2012): Here are my two cents: There are a group of people out of the 7 billion+ on this planet that are compatible with you - physically, mentally, and emotionally. I think individuals who find one of those people, tend to stay in fulfilling, long-lasting relationships for life. (Side note: I didn't say 'soulmates' because it's kind of ridiculous to think that there is ONLY 1 person out of the entire global population for everyone else; therefore, I'd estimate there's probably a handful of people who fit the bill, if not more).
With that being said, finding that 'perfect someone' in your local neighborhood/town/city is not likely to happen, even though everyone thinks so (statistically speaking). Unfortunately most people aren't self-aware, mentally and/or emotionally stable beings to figure it out. Instead, people get in 'relationships' with others, who they probably shouldn't, thinking 'that's it, I'm set with this person' because they need, whether real or not, to be in a 'relationship'....then another pseudo-'perfect someone' walks by and, as you've pointed out, one cheats or sparks die down or one loses interest etc. etc.
Now I'm not taking the viewpoint that all is bleak and there is no such thing as 'true love' in the modern world, it's just more difficult for such a concept to exist. With that being said, and this is totally up to you, I wouldn't be concerned with overthinking relationships/love - just have fun and do what makes you happy. If being in a FWB situation suits you, and you like it, do it. If you're with someone really great and it is working out, do it. If you want to be single, do it.
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A
male
reader, Xearo +, writes (1 May 2012):
I read this and I found it interesting. After some days or weeks you should re-read what you wrote and compare your thoughts with past and present. You know...everyone is different but relationships never really change. I don't think there is anything much different between relationships 100years ago and now. I can't really advise you on love because people do change and maybe a year or two from now, your views will indeed change again (should you let it). You changed a lot since your first bf so its only expected for more changes to come. You kinda need to acknowledge the fact that some blame does go to you. Since your first bf its become a habit to keep to the worst of future situations and assume that it will become a reality. Yes, relationships may not last OR people may cheat but these aren't the only outcomes. People can end on good terms or just fall out of love, or last together forever. Why is it that the bad must out weigh the good? I think just having a negative out look can doom a relationship at start. Your heart needs to be open. The reason why I said some blame goes to you is because you've come to question everything around you and you have come to over analyse your past, recycling these thoughts over and over, hoping that by doing so, you will gain some deeper hidden meaning. You've had shaky relationships at best so its no wonder that your outlook will be clouded. But this is the perspective that you must see and understand that there can be good relationships and it will change again your outlook. I really should not pinpoint problems here because it just seems like you are trying to find yourself again. I think this is good. I think that many people should follow this pattern to re-finding oneself. After all, we do need to love ourselves before we can love others.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2012): Actually I have something to say after reading both of your comments (I'm the one who wrote this post):I can't 100% agree with YouWish, because I am quite clear I am not a person who enjoys cheating, and is NOT "happy to break another woman's relationship", and I could be content IF I could trust the person I'm in love with. I would not even want to cheat, I cheated because I felt unfair in a relationship, that I felt my ex's weren't as "pure" as I was... I'm not sure if my standards are too high, I don't think about other men sexually, I only enjoy having sex with my BF, and I feel happy when he is happy, I don't need him to be rich and I can spend a lot of time with a guy who I am in love with w/o feeling bored. I don't see the need to cheat if I feel really loved. I didn't have to lie to you or anyone here, about who I am, because this is an anonymous post, and the reason why I wrote here is because I just want some answers from people who have built a long term relationship after encountering hardships or had major trust issues, I'm also not here to argue... I just wanted to tell you who I am. I cheated once out of all of my relationships because I feel guilty to even just flirt. I understand you and many others don't like people who cheat, I think it's "morally wrong" as well, I used to think just like you when I was in my teenage years and in my early 20s. I hated people who try to get between 2 people and break their relationship, and thought how can they be so not understanding and so selfish.But as I got older, I slowly I realized it is not a right/wrong, black/white situation... even if it's cheating, there can be true love developed there, there can also be something hard to forget, something so memorable that will keep you warm for a lifetime. And not all monogamous relationships are as good as it sounds, some can be boring, some can be violent, some can be dissatisfying... if they were so good or meant to be together in the first place, OR if they were so mature, and content with each other's presence, why cheat, or want to cheat in the first place? I cannot force a guy to just leave his GF and be with me right? I understand it will have an influence, and a cheater is a cheater, there's no excuse, I understand that part, but it's just that in my mind, there's a distinguished line between people who are greedy and enjoy love and sex from different people at the same time, and the people who leave for someone else because their current partner cannot fulfill them in some aspects. You clearly have never been in a situation like this before because you think it's wrong, I know morally it's wrong but its just because I always think my other half cannot do whatever I would do for them, it's the unfairness that makes me depressed and sad, and it's always that unfairness which makes me want to seek out something like "revenge" because I cannot get a balance there. And like I said, I'd rather not have any serious relationships because I'm not a selfish person, I cannot even lie to people telling them I'm serious but in fact I am not. I just don't like to lie to people to just to get my emotions or physical needs fulfilled. I've always been honest about this with any guy I've ever dated.Also, I personally think it's okay if my guy is honest with me that he's seeing someone else, and has lost interest in me, than to have him lie to me about every little thing and still hold on to both girls at the same time, it's a torture!!! To me, why is it "breaking hearts" if he just told me the truth? I'd wish him best of luck!! just because I love him so much I want him to be with someone he chooses to be, why I need to keep him there with me? If someone didn't appear, then I would tell myself that he is still attracted to me, when I can feel it all over the place? The reason I felt unfair is because X always cheated and lied but he never think it's ok for me to do it? Why? I don't know!! Because he is selfish!! And that's why it didn't seem to me it is a problem that he had a girlfriend at that time, I just probably was too naive to think this way for him! I thought he also loved me deeply that he could just leave her.I believed in true love, I also thought X could give me that, maybe I was too naive so I believed in his words, and wanted to build a relationship with him. I did not go for X just because I feel I'm attracted to him physically, and I didn't expect I would go back to A after everything that I have done. Another thing is, when I first started with X, he claimed he didn't have a GF (that's when I cheated on A) but I need to be honest to tell you that we stopped contacting after that one month, and after I broke up with A, that's when I started the real relationship with X, however at that point he said he would leave his then GF. Like I said, I'm not the type who can hold on to 2 different relationships at the same time, because it is never fulfilling, and I do not like to do it, I just don't have the motivation to. Not because I want goodies from both guys. After I cheated, I got back to A because I felt really loved and maybe I was guilty. And yes, thinking back, that was a foolish act, I should never have done it.So if I thought like you when I was younger, was I more mature than now? I am not sure, I can only be sure that I'm very lost because what I once believed seems to be something so uncertain to me now. I wish I could think everything is just black and white, and I could just leave the one I deeply love when I realize he has cheated or lied. I even created reasons for him, thought about why he cheated. And the reason why I raised this question is because lately I've been thinking about what I want actually. I explained to X that he is immature, because he kept on lying and cheating, but he can never let me go... then what is that supposed to mean? He loves me, yes, but why he cheats? He cheated on me because he doesn't love me? It doesn't make sense! He did it because we all want different things in life, and we all have different definitions of LOVE. He wants someone he deeply loves to be with him , while he gets all his excitement/sexual needs through others, that's his definition but that's not mine at all! My bottom line is, you can be anyone you want to be, just be honest to your partner. To me its extremely selfish to lie to someone you claim to love and tell them and pretend to be someone you are not. Foot-in-my-mouth, I'm not sure if I am 100% same as you but thanks for trying to understand and analyze my situation. Personally I think I don't just get bored in a relationship, it's usually the guy disappointing me in the first place, then I feel it's unfair for me to put so much love for one guy... I might just be scared to love, and I get mad when he cannot provide what I want (at least in my position, I think I have given more than he could)... so I leave... are you also having any trust issues? Or you just want to have fun in life?
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A
female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth  +, writes (1 May 2012):
 Very difficult question. And I think no one can identify with your problem more than I do because I too tend to quickly lose interest in a relationship once it becomes stable and peaceful, and look out for some sort of radical change, or the next oxytocin boost. It's easy to sit in judgement over people like us and call us names but the fact is that some people are probably destined to keep wandering in search of this illusion called 'true love' but be unfortunate enough to push it away even when they find it because love isn't something that is meant to give you constant adrenaline boosts, constant excitement. But some people cannot survive without constant turbulence and excitement (like me) and they are probably going to spend a large part of their lives miserable and lonely, craving for that which doesn't exist, running after mirages in a desert. At some point of time, you have to learn to compromise and choose stability and peace over that thrill which keeps you going. It's difficult and I haven't managed doing it myself so I have no business telling you to do it. But that's the only practical solution in such situations.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2012): "But this guy (I'll call him X, he is the one I cheated with when I was with A, also the guy I recently broke up with) was so [sincere and genuine]- NO, he was not, he kept seeing his gf but told you otherwise, he's a cheat and liar
to me in the beginning and stated he wanted a serious relationship with me and asked why I was controlling my feelings for him. (...)I am sure he felt very happy with me too, maybe he saw me as someone to be in a "no-strings attached" relationship, no stress, no marriage.
IF he wanted to get serious with you why you said he wanted a no strings attached relationship???? I'm sorry but you're making no sense.
I was surprised at my tolerance about him and this relationship
You tolerated because you didn't want a serious relationship either, you're afraid of marriage and having kids because you're afraid the relationship will deteriorate anyways it all comes down to your lack of trust in men because unfortunately you only got involved with people who lied, and cheated on you thus you think everybody will do the same that they will they cheat, the sparkle will fade, the passion will cool or whatever all of them excuses to cheat... because in the end you don't believe in a lasting relationship.
I was with him. I seem to be the old me again, spontaneous, carefree... happily single... am I normal? YEAP means you got over him, you may cherish the memories but don't miss the guy.
Is it okay to be without any companions for life? Yes, some people do it by choice some just end up like this, be it because they never found the right one, or loved but lost it...
Am I just scared of getting hurt but deep down in my heart I want LOVE? Most people want to be loved, you seem ti want it to, but you get into the wrong sort of relationships and accept it even though they're not functional
You asked questions such as Who I am , and why I cheat which is just impossible for a person who does not know you to answer, go seek therapy it's money well spent.
Do we all look for something else at some point in our relationship, even if you are fulfilled? If you're fulfilled why would you look somewhere else, let's say somebody else?
How can a person love another for so many years without changing or cheating or wanting something else?
I think the feeling may change, it can grow stronger, for me love when based in respect, trust, friendship, admiration, tends to grow stronger as the years pass, but in your case I'm sorry to say but your relationship with X already started wrong, with you both cheating on other people, and I'm sorry but I think if a man cheated on his gf to be with me, he'd do the same with me, then there's no trust, there's only passion, but the thing with falling in love, having a crush whatever is that it tends to cool after sometime, but when it's real love, the unselfish kind, it tends to grow deeper when cultivated.
Do I cheat because I wanted to, or because I was unhappy? Has anyone pointed a gun at your head and made you cheat? No, so it was a choice, you may believe that you was led to it by your unhappiness this way clearing yourself of all guilt.
you wrote a helluva lot and me too, hope I could help some, but I'd really really advise you to get professional help, , they give you another perspective, help you tackle your issues and solve your problems, as to not fall into a pattern and repeating the same mistakes, it's great, if you can , do it!
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reader, YouWish +, writes (1 May 2012):
Truly, when someone cheats on the one they love, I don't take time to assess whether or not they're struggling emotionally with abandonment, happiness, or boredom. I don't take into account whether or not they worry about being happy long term in a relationship. It's not a philosophical event to me.
All I can think of is that you're a cheater, and you are happy to break another woman's heart while cheating long term with another man. What is there to think about?
You should ask yourself why YOU can't be content. This isn't about society. This is about you. A person loves another long term because they're mature, they put time and energy and love into their relationship, and they refuse to allow emotional corrosion into their relationship.
Sorry, but my only advice to you is to not even think of either entering into a relationship when he's got another women, OR cheating on another guy as long as you live. The rest of these issues can be helped by a good therapist. Some of us simply tell ourselves that love is stronger than flakiness. There is such a thing as emotional and mental discipline. It's not merely physical discipline that makes for a healthy person.
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reader, thisonestaken +, writes (1 May 2012):
i am trying to find the words to address at least most of what i "think" you are asking. i would first like to point out that you are not alone in any of these feelings. i have asked myself these same questions, and sadly have also been cheated on. i am also guilty of cheating. just so you know, i understand. noone is here to judge you on anything you do, or your reasons why. we all have reasons for what we do, how we feel, how we act, think, etc. having said that, i also want to point out that each relationship and situation is different. noone knows EXACTLY how the other feels, we can only at best RELATE...on cheating: it feels horrible to know the one you love, the one that has your heart, the one you trusted, has broken that trust, cheating could be considered a lie, and it often is. ex. "if you loved me you wouldnt have done that", "i loved you, how could you do that?" "youre a liar you dont love me at all" etc etc etc cheating is considered one of the worst things you could "do" to your partner, by societys standards. but really, the only person who knows WHY they did it, is the person who did it, and who is everyone else to judge? trapped in a loveless marriage, not recieving any attention from spouse, the spark is gone, the list is long. personally i dont believe that cheating itself is the issue, but the act of betrayal,the breaking of trust, the "lie" which can happen in many ways. i can only assume that the person thats doing the cheating is lacking something personally, and should not be a reflection of the spouse that is cheated on. there are other ways to deal with issues. nonetheless, cheating occurs. does everyone cheat? i dont think so. does it happen alot? i would say, too much. i think its always your decision ultimately if you can remain with your partner after this occurs, but requires a great deal of work and comprehension. on the being single: there is nothing wrong with being single. again, society places too much emphasis on being "partnered up" as if theres something wrong with you if youre not. in fact, i believe theres something wrong with you if you cant live/ be with yourself...after all, you have to love yourself first before you can truly love another.on companionship: yes, it is a wonderful feeling being in love, having someone with you/there for you, enjoying togetherness, sharing things, but again, there are other ways to fill these voids...friends, family, hobbies. i know its not the same, but if you can be happy alone and enjoy doing things by yourself, then how could that ever be wrong?i too, have trust issues, they rear their ugly heads from time to time, none of us are perfect, we just must continue to work on them, be it counselling or otherwise. get to know yourself, have a chat with thee, keep a journal on the subject, check your progress...and if someone comes along in the meantime, perhaps he will see your worth and offer a hand...in closing, just remember this...each one of us is unique. we all have different ways of looking at the world and everything in it. you are not right or wrong, you are YOU, and entitled to your own thoughts and feelings. PEACE xxoo
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