A
female
age
41-50,
*anniepeg
writes:I have asked twice before. I still didn't break up with my long distance boyfriend in spite of aunts and uncles telling me so. Some aunts told me his insecurity would cause problems. One uncle said this is a fantasy relationship. My mom told me to give him one more chance because she liked him when she saw him.He lives one hour away and he car pools once every week. After he goes to work he takes care of his dad and does chores. Which means he sees me only on the weekends. Sometimes he stays over sometimes he doesn't. Whenever he had to spend money he feels like, ouch my wallet hurts. From what he says, he is poor because his pay was partially taken away because he suggested a better way of doing things in his manufacturing company. His upper staff, who he felt were incompetent, felt scared that he was going to replace them so they cut his pay. He says he is going to try to talk to his boss to get his pay back.He says love comes from the heart and distance does not matter. He feels he is with me when he is on the phone while I feel like he is a stranger. If I want a person with more money and time does that make me materialistic? I need more contact to feel attached to a person. It could be that we are incompatible because I am used to having things like right now. It's very sad because every time he sees me he puts a lot of effort into being the best person and my son likes him.In his first dating profile I read that he is ready to settle down for family and kids. That is far from the truth because he has been living with his dad forever and he still owes the bank money. With the money he makes now he can't buy any property. I am not sure for how long I have to do this long distance calling and then meeting only on the weekends. He is hesitant to move in with me in a small condo until he feels that I love him from the heart. I am afraid we will just be going round and round in circles.Also months after meeting me I found he edited his online profile. Suddenly he was 5 years younger. I asked him why he said he understands the system and that the websites always match him with older women. I told him lying in any form is wrong. There is nothing wrong with wanting young women but why look when he had me already? In some dating websites you can't change your age but you can change your other information after two weeks of registering. Some men are decent enough to confess and tell the real age in the big box of his description.Am I to blame because I am not expressive enough for my love for him? It is hard for me to be sure about him because I could never know what his plans are for the next few years because his resources are limited. Then few days ago I saw that he's 10 years younger in another dating profile. I am still questioning if this guy is valid because he is all noble and loves from the heart. What do you think? I understand some of you would say you should never attach a dollar sign to a man as sign of worthiness.
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male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (12 July 2012):
 You deserve someone who's open and honest and ready to take responsibility. Someone who'll treat you like a lady.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2012): The fact that he is a cheapscate should be a huge turn off for every normal woman. That wouldbe number one thing that i would never tolerate.The fact that he is in his 30s and lives with his daddy, would be another huge turn off.The fact that he is still on website and playing around with his age would be a deal breaker for anyone i know.I m 100% sure he is lying about his pay cut, thats unheard of, and pretty stupid lie also.He is a free loader, lier, cheapskate, loser ..and at the same time 'noble". I dont think so:)
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (7 July 2012):
janniepeg is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you, I know what to do now. I want opinions so the break up will be easier. I didn't want to walk away feeling I am not patient and I don't know how to love. I have never dated country men before so I had thought that they were special and they know what real love is. It's all an illusion now. He had made statements that raised my eyebrows so that's why I was never crazy about him. I just thought he's country and we were different.
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female
reader, SaraB +, writes (7 July 2012):
If he has an active dating profile after all this time, and goes back to it to lie repeatedly - OMG!!!!
Have you visited with him? DO you know first hand what his doemstic life is like? Are you sure the fact he has a problem paying for dates isn'tbecause you aren't the the only one he is dating?????
Dump. HIM.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (7 July 2012):
 janniepeg, I wholeheartedly agree with the others. The fact that he's on not one, but two (or was it three?) dating sites is, as SVC said earlier, reason enough.A man who cannot afford to go out on real dates, yet advertises that he's ready to settle down is what we call a 'nester'. He's looking for a woman to support him (financially, emotionally).This 'my colleagues/bosses treat me badly because they're threatened by me' routine is an old one, most often used by underachievers.It's no great feat for him to shower you with love and affection when you see him because you spend so little time together. It's an illusion easier to maintain when one only has to do it for a short period of time.He's not a terrible, evil person out to do you harm. And I'm sure he has his endearing moments, but he is not an ideal suitor and certainly not mate material. You're given just enough hope to convince you to stick around but not enough reason to be satisfied.No, you are not to blame and you're not being materialistic here. You're not looking for expensive jewellery, weekends in Paris or weekly spa treatments. You just want a partner with similar ambitions and with whom you can grow. You've been more than accomodating and extremely patient.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2012): This kind of similar to a question that asked last week or so
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/he-is-a-good-man-but-his-constant.html
The question here isn't really about about money janniepeg it's about progression. Money is an issue here because his lack of money is holding this back and it's making you feel you have to close yourself off from him and be guarded because you're not sure where this is going to go. One thing I'd say you're sure of is that you don't want to be with a guy who is in this situation in the long term and it never changing. I don't see how anyone would want a partner who has an issue but only ever talks about fixing it.
At the moment you need to see signs of progress in his life, it's not about how much money he makes it's about him having enough money to be able to afford the very basic costs of a relationship not including luxuries. He can't even afford to be independent at the moment let alone be able to apartment share.
None of this is helped of course by the fact that he's still virtually on the market online and lying about his age? That wouldn't sit well with me at all.
Ten years younger on a profile is creepy to me and his excuse is so lame too. He understands the system, yeah the system for getting very young women who wouldn't go for a guy his age unless he lied to them about it. You don't have to stick to the women you're matched with if you keep getting results you don't like do you? No, you can search the site to find women in the age group you'd prefer so that excuse doesn't wash with me at all, for a guy who says he knows the system surely he'd know about the search function. Creepy, why does he even have those profiles still if he's dating you?
Anyway those can be explained away if you believe him, I'd be suspicious but I wouldn't hold it against him too much but wouldn't forget that little bit of info either because the guy could be a fantasist.
I don't know why janniepeg but his low pay excuse sounds very off to me. It's not very logical at all. He's so good at his job and intelligent enough to suggest a new method to improve the productivity and they cut his wage because they're scared of his brilliance and that he may get their job instead? I've honestly never heard of that happening, maybe in Canada people are vicious, jealous bastards but here in Ireland you get rewarded for positive feedback and trying to improve things. It looks to me like this is the important part "who he felt were incompetent" it sounds like he went around causing trouble with people. Not very wise to fuck with the status quo on the workplace, not very smart at all, which is why I think you have this fear of him not getting his shit together and getting his pay back or actually building a successful future career, it sounds like he's a factory worker who got too big for his boots, caused trouble and got demoted for it.
Look so many things add up that they don't sit right with you, now you've always struck me as the kind of person who airs with the side of caution and won't fully let go until all these niggling worries are fixed or answered, now he says he's the kind of guy who won't fully open to you then and commit to you in that way until he's sure you love him. Then for the moment you're screwed janniepeg.
He's probably a lovely guy, I do know you wouldn't tolerate any shit from him whatsoever so he must have some great qualities that keep you there.
But as I said you need assurances before you will progress and he also needs assurances and they're kind of stopping each other in that way.
There are quite a few little orange flags here that when combined, to me, indicate a red flag. Lot's of little things are adding up here and it's not being helped by the fact that you want to see some progression and it doesn't look likely any time soon.
Personally while I haven't seen/don't remember your last questions insecurity very much seems to be a huge issue doesn't it? He's a bit of a liar janniepeg, he's a guy who has a lot of excuses and they don't make all that much sense when examined closely.
Look, you've been doing this with him for a while now and he mustn't have done anything to hurt you directly or you wouldn't even be here, I know you would have shown him the door already. I guess it all boils down to a very simple thing, is this relationship practical and can you really see yourself still doing this in another few months if things don't change? Above all can you really see this changing? Somehow I doubt it to be honest, he doesn't sound like a responsible man at all. The work thing, the online dating thing and well you both have very different needs as far it comes to progression.
I hate to say it but I don't see how this can work, I really can't see how he will be able to put your mind at ease and how you can go on with a guy with a different outlook to you. He seems fine with the LDR and you're getting frustrated by it. You might not be compatible and it doesn't matter how nice he is when he's around and your son, if you can't get the practical side of this right then you really don't have anything more than a lovely guy you're seeing but with no real substance on to which to build a proper relationship.
Trust your gut, if it doesn't feel right then keep your guard up until such a time as he can find a way to fix those things and show some reliability. You seem to be at a stage now where you need more than what you have with this guy and he seems fine the way things are, something's got to give. So take some time, consider the other answers you may get from the others and as I always say, figure out what you want and how he can give that to you, give it a loose timeframe too, that way you won't get ground down too far with this.
"I am still questioning if this guy is valid"
As well you should be because he sounds like he's a bit of a dreamer, you know as well as I do the practical stuff is absolutely fundamental and just as important as the emotion, you need both as love never solved anything on its own.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (6 July 2012):
 He has THREE dating profiles that alone is a huge red flag after a year of dating...
it's been a year and you don't feel close RED FLAG TWO
he makes no effort to see you more often (honey at only an hour away my guy and I would have been living together after a year... we were two hours apart and saw each other 3-4 nights a week while LDR RED FLAG THREE
he can't afford to live on his own... he says his pay was cut "because he suggested a better way of doing things in his manufacturing company."
PLEASE! why in the world would a company punish you for suggesting ways to save money or improve production?
I don't think YOU are to blame at all. I think he has no clue how to be an adult and have a real relationship....
and while we can't dismiss folks who are low earners simply because of their lack of income, we can look at the entire package and decide it's not worth the relative cost.
in this case, you are having to worry too much about things
money
time
love
honesty
what would you tell someone else who posted this???
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2012): "I am still questioning if this guy is valid because he is all noble and loves from the heart. What do you think?"
I think that if you are "still questioning if this guy is valid" despite mountains of compelling physical evidence proving otherwise (in his first dating profile you read that he is ready to settle down for family and kids, later you found he edited his online profile and suddenly he was 5 years younger), then I think you are unwilling to accept the cold harsh reality about your shiftless, lazy, freeloading, two-timing boyfriend even when it slaps you in the face and bites you on the ass, and so therefore I think you still won't break up with your long distance boyfriend in spite of aunts and uncles telling you to do so as they all will, though this time around I think I won't bother to waste the keystrokes required to club you over the head (figuratively speaking) with the obvious.
You can keep asking the same question over and over, but you still are never going to get the answer you want to hear.
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