A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,My wife's mum passed away 3 months ago and i'm not sure how to be of support to her. She was her carer and her day and night was her mum. She was getting better and then suddenly passed.3 months on I feel she is still massively grieving and not sure how to deal with it. We have 2 kids and moved to a bigger place a month before her mum passed away. Our place is still unorganised as she's the one who does all that for the last 10 odd years. I work long hours and we have 2 kids aged 5 and 8. I work massively long hours and am very stressed from work. I come home at times around dinner time to still find the breakfast cereal bowls still in the living room. The housework is always not done and I try to help her keep on top of it, but am finding it very difficult with my long hours (which has only recently got massively long). I try to just stay silent and most nights do the dishes most days and cook at weekends. However, it's getting frustrated and she won't seek any professional help either. I have been trying to get her to seek some counselling but she will not. She does not have much of a support network either as her friend's have been pretty much absent. As have I in all honesty with my massively long hours, but I'm not in a position to change this. How do I help?Thanks Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your responses guys. I lost my dad 17 years ago to the day when I was a young teen so the situations was v different.
My wife grieves in her own way.She only really cried on the day and on the funeral. I remember seeing her face whilst I delivered a few words at the funeral and the look of grief reduced me to tears.
We don't have a babysitter or many who she trusts and she doesn't want help with the housework even though she's not coping. I think being at home is doing her harm and her relationship with the kids is becoming more strained, especially the 5 yr old who is very clingy and the 8 yr old is almost getting neglected (stuck in front of games and computer).
I'll try to be more supportive and just see how it goes. my family don't quite understand depression/emotional well being and she doesn't really have any family and friends are being lame.
Thanks again for your words and I guess I'l just try be there for her.
A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (6 April 2014):
 My father passed away 3 months ago unexpectedly. The pain is still as fresh now as it was the day I got the news. I was 2000 miles away and it happened suddenly..I didn't get to say goodbye or hold his hand or anything. It REALLY hurts. I go through the motions but trust me, I am grieving. Sometimes it just hits me so hard that he's gone and I'll never get to hear his voice or his funny stories or talk with him about baseball. I burst out crying sometimes just because something makes me think of him. I try to only cry at night when everyone else is asleep so no one knows how much I am hurting, but I know I am more irritable than I used to be and more moody. I loved my father dearly, as I'm sure your wife loved your mother. Its hard...so hard to let go of the one you loved.
If possible, maybe you can have a cleaning service or a maid come in once or twice a week? Just to help out a little. Maybe your wife just feels so overwhelmed right now. Do you have family close or a trusted babysitter that maybe the two of you could go out maybe one night every week or every other week? Go for a nice walk, or a dinner, or just somewhere quiet where you can talk.
It sounds like you are trying really hard to be understanding, you're a good husband. Its going to take time..please continue to be patient. If it gets to the point where your wife isn't dressing, bathing, eating..then yes, she's slipped into deep depression and you need to step in and get help for her. Watch her closely but please understand everyone grieves differently. Some people want and need to talk, others withdraw into themselves.
I'm sure she wants to return back to normal. I know I'd like to be happy again and lighthearted but right now I can't. Only time will help. Encourage your wife to talk about her mom, let her cry. I love talking about my dad, it makes me laugh and it lightens my heart to tell stories of him to my son of when I was a kid.
I wish you both all the best. Just be there for her. Thats the kindest thing you can do. Let her know you understand her pain and will do whatever is necessary to help her through the sadness.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2014): I know you're trying to be understanding, but have you lost a parent? We all grieve differently and I'd suggest giving her another month before bringing up counselling again or maybe suggesting a grief group.
Your wife was like her mother's shadow and now the body is gone and she's feeling lost. My mum's dad passed away very recently and she has bursts of crying fits and her moods are turbulent. You have to give her more time, maybe ask friends/family for childcare help once or twice a week?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2014): Give her a special evening.Make a video or an album or collage of her Mom's pics with her from diff years. Put a song which relates to the bond between them.Cook her favorite meal or bring food from her fav restaurant.Clean up the whole house, leave kids with friend or a babysitter.Talk abt her mom. Let her cry for hrs if she needs to. Be extra sensitive and just listen to her. Then when she seems a lil composed, tell her how much you love her n how ur kids n u have been missing her old self. Tell her u understand it will take time n u will always be there for her. All this will give her an idea that she needs to move on.3 months is very little time for grievance of a lost parent. Be there for her and be patient.
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