A
female
age
30-35,
*arblerbird
writes:My boyfriend broke up with me seemingly out of the blue. It was strange because half an hour before he broke it off, we were holding hands and being our usual selves. And opportunity to hang out with his friends arose and i felt pushed aside. He told me he was choosing his friends over me because he values them more then ended our relationship. His friends never really accepted me to begin with and they probably influenced his actions. I think it's probably best for me to move on and begin healing, but i think about him and what happened so much that i can't sleep at night nor can i eat. My body aches and my insides are clenched. Sometimes i feel like i might throw up. My head feels like it might explode. I think about what i might have done differently, what i could have done to prevent it, if there's something wrong with me. I also dwell on all the good memories we shared; we really had no arguments before the breakup, the only issue was that i didn't feel accepted by his friends. I feel like someone has died and so has a part of me. I need the world to pause. Is it normal for me to feel so strongly about this? Will i ever stop thinking about him and what we had? how?
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female
reader, warblerbird +, writes (20 December 2010):
warblerbird is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for the support, it means so much especially from people who you do not know. The empathy is incredible.
I went out and spent time with my friends; they offered me advice. It seems that it is possible he still loves me, but he feels conflicted. The general consensus is that the both of us need some time, and when we are ready to perhaps return to the friendship we shared in the beginning.
One friend said to me, "Everything comes to an end, but was it worth it?" And i said to her, "Yes." Then everything seemed alright.
I got a new haircut that i've been told suits me more than any of the other ones i've had. It feels like a fresh start and i'm ready to keep moving.
Off for some more baking therapy, Christmas movie watching, and sledding. :)
Happy Holidays and endless thanks!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010): Thank you Abella for what you wrote helped me realise things in my life. I am almost 40 years old last year my boyfriend of 7 years left me out of the blue after an argument over car insurance almost whole year later I still feel the hurt, I guess I needed to hear what you wrote,
Thank You for that.
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A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (18 December 2010):
 yes it is normal to feel like this. It is more intense because it meant such a lot to you. His way of ending it has added to the hurt. He did it so callously. No wonder you feel so devastated
The word for what you are feeling is grief.
And you had no warning, so you had no time to prepare your heart.
The first stage of grief is shock and disbelief: 'no, this can't be happening to me.'
And you will go through a few more stages, as you heal inside from such a momentous hurt.
You should keep things calm and simple at the moment, don't try to take on too much. Realise you will feel tired sometimes. Give your heart time to heal.
But if you start working out some simple diversions to distract you it will help you work through these big feelings of hurt.
Those diversions are easily enjoyed, not too emotionally consuming, but certainly relaxing diversions.
Things you know you do well. Or would like to do well.
Physical things can be especially good, like attending a gym. Or joining an exercise class or Yoga class where you can do a good activity in the company of others.
The diversions should be something that improves or betters you or addresses a problem.
And every time you complete a diversionary activity you heal a little more.
Then one day, when you least expect it, you will wake up all excited about something to are looking forward to. And you will realise you have started healing inside.
And he will still become a little insignificant memory, while his memory will fade a little more every day. Until one day, when he had faded to a pale shadow, and becoming paler by the day. Thenl his influence on your inner feelings Will be close to zero.
But by that time you will be enjoying the attention of someone far nicer to you than this man, who is soon to be a shadow.
Good wishes for a brighter new beginning, regard Abella
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A
male
reader, Orvus  +, writes (18 December 2010):
 "I feel like someone has died and so has a part of me"
That's pretty much what happened. The old version of him, the one you loved, the one he pretended to be until the very end, is dead now. He was living in your mind all along, and still does.
I'm sorry for what you're going through. But in situations like these, our bodies help us by taking some of the emotional pain off of our hearts, which is what is happening to you.
I went through the same situation a month ago. I can't assure you this will work for you, but what worked for me was to bombard myself with every source of happiness, fun or laughs I could find.
This meant watching comedy shows (Big Bang Theory, Penn & Teller, Mr. Bean), playing new videogames, surrounding myself with nature, forcing myself to draw, and even tickling myself.
You may not enjoy these things like you would normally. You may have to force yourself to smile. But everything helps.
If you have things left to say to him, don't actually contact him. Write him letters, and then don't send them. Talk about him to people you trust and who support you, instead of repeating the same things to yourself over and over every night.
Here's another question on the subject of healing from a breakup, with great answers: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/concrete-specific-short-term-advice-for-coping-with.html
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