A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok, this has taken me almost a half hour to write and still doesn't explain it right, but anyway here goes. My question is this:- How am I to prevent past traumas from turning me into an evil, manipulative temptress??? If I'm not already halfway there!!! A short history to explain the question - I am 22. I've never had a meaningful relationship which I blame on the fact that I was raped when I was 16. That was my first experience of full intercourse. I never opened up to anyone about this for 3 years, and never let anyone have sex with me until I was 20, almost exactly 4 years from my attack and that turned out to be a big mistake. Up until that moment and from that moment on I have been teasing men, letting them get so far then pulling away, sometimes from sheer fear of sex and the power of their desires. Now my problem is I'm beginning to detest every man more and more and am finding it hard not to at first flirt with them to see if I could have them, even though I won't let them. Anyway, the most recent and most shameful incident occurred at a wedding reception I attended recently where myself and my my friend's MARRIED dad seemed to be suffering from insomnia. We got talking for hours just about life in general and I, having a lot of respect for him which is unusual, did not flirt with him at all (when weeks before I was giving the eye to his brother). Then for some reason I cannot fathom, he decided he'd utter crude comments to me and asked me to sleep with him. I was so utterly shocked and I obviously protested. Then he started telling me why he liked me, picking out my best assets blah blah, I believed none of this but found myself wanting to, oh dear. He then went in a bad mood because I would not give in, but still I did not want him to leave my side at tht point. I began my routine but mildly with him. He kissed me. I did not pull away. He said very many a nice things to me. I think the only thing that held me back, apart from wife I love and friend I love, was the fact that I've been so badly treated by most men that I will not give in to them, any of them any more. To end this post, I will just go on to say that I used to be a very respectable and decent young girl and I'd do anything to have her back. How can I fight my demons and bring back the girl I used to love? Any advice would be greatly appreciated, despite the fact that I'm not so deserving.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2008): Hiya love, you poor thing. First - the fact that you realise that there's something wrong is the HUGEST step. I was raped years ago - I was older though (25) and it took me about 3 years before I even admitted that anything happened and then another year or two or either sleeping with inppropriate people (I'd "choose" to have sex with them so I couldn't be raped) or staying far far away from men. I'm fortunate in that I have a fabulour father and two brothers so I've never hated men because I know not all men are like that. From reading everything available about rape, it seems that your reaction is completely normal, as mine was.
I'm sorry that this happened to you. You definitely need to talk about what happened. If organising seeing a therapist is a step too far for you (though that is what I would recommend) then at least try calling a rape helpline and start from there.
You can learn to live with this. You can control your reactions to men. You can interact with men in a healthy way that leads to healthy relationships. It'll just take time and, more importantly, work. See a professional, read books, talk to people. Unfortunately, you're not the only one this has happened to - there are a lot of people out there who can help you. Best of luck.
A
female
reader, Teacake  +, writes (18 November 2008):
 This man also abused you emotionally which is very ugly of a man to do, married men have no right doing that!
You are at least aware of this problem which is half the battle. Seeking a therapist is a good idea. Finding someone you can relate to is important.
You are correct, being manipulative is harmful to your self esteem as it is a way to express anger. Don't let anger kill your spirit! Thing is, there are more men in the world who you should not trust or give your heart to, but you will know when the special one is there for you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2008): get professional help. seriously.
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