A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:A little background history; my bf and I got together when I was 16 and he was 17, broke up when I was 20 and got back together (with encouragement from his parents) when I was 23. Im now 24 turning 25, and he's 26. It's always been a long distance relationship which was the main reason why we originally broke up. Here's my problem though.... His parents.I've moved interstate to live with him at his parents house until we found our own place. They have recently bought an investment property to rent out and had given us the option of first dibs. When we tell them our decision and declined their offer they were not happy with it. We overheard his father say that we're "f*cking useless" and a few other things. We were then given the cold shoulder. After a day or two we give in and say that we will rent it. Well after that their attitude completely changed. They were the pleasant parents again. The reason why we didnt want to rent their investment property is because not only will they not let us have a dog, which really isn't our biggest issue, but they will continue to have control over us. I feel like we're treading on eggshells with them and whenever they say "jump!" We have to ask "how high?" I can understand that they would feel offended that we had turned down their offer, but I can't understand why they behave the way that they do when they don't get their way. In all honesty they remind me of children.Another example of how irrational they can be is this evening my partner comes home after a long week of being away for work. He's caught a cold while being away so his mother makes him soup. We both have a bowl and she asks him to put some in a container so he can take it to work. After dinner we lay down but he's forgotten to do as his mother's asked. An hour or so later we're both asleep, i'm exhausted from working 2 jobs and studying, and she yells out from the other side of the door to put the soup in a container. I could tell bu her tone, and the fact that she was yelling, that she was annoyed by it. I don't understand why it was such an issue to her though? I don't see how it could have annoyed her to the point where she did not consider that my partner is sick and genuinelt forgot to put the soup in a container. I could give many other examples of the type of people his parents are. Like the fact that they are very judgemental - his mum thinks that psychologists are weirdos but what she doesn't know is that i'm studying to become a qualified weirdo. His father has a short temper - my partner let his mother know that something wasn't working on her new laptop and the father was quick to blame my partner. They're pleasant people when they're getting their own way, but if you ever have a different opinion or disagree with something they want you to do then their demeanor completely changes. As acquintances they're lovely, but as in-laws they're unbearable.I'm a ridiculously senstive person that's used to having down to earth parents and being able to speak openly in the house I live in. But here I keep my mouth shut to keep the peace, and it stresses me out that I won't be able to speak up even when we move into their investment property. I have anxiety and I am always on edge with his parents. I try to avoid them as much as I can because I don't agree with a lot of their close minded views.There's only so much I can express to my partner, but at the end of the day they're his parents. So basically, how am I meant to deal with these people?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 February 2017):
 You are in their home, therefore respect their ways or else leave, it really is as simple as that. Your boyfriend doesn't want to let go off the apron strings just yet, therefore his parents are still treating him like a child. You both need to either get your own place and live like adults away from his parents or else move back home and break up.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2017): My opinion differs from everyone here. Maybe because I'm raised in a Chinese family.
I am fully aware that I have to option to move out on my own if I'm unhappy with my parents or my boyfriend's parent's 'attitudes'. You have that option too. However, there are other options. One of them can be to sit down and have an open and honest conversation with them about how you feel. Another can be to try and be in their shoes and understand their point if view. You can also decide that people are different, personalities are different. When you live together and you see that person day in and day out, you see all their good and bad sides. Why not appreciate their good side and learn to accept their bad side.
It's one thing to live a happy life with just you and your boyfriend. But trust me, it's AMAZING when you and his family get along.
I love my boyfriend's parents soo soo much and they love me just the same. I love all his siblings and they all respect me. Do we have our bad sides, yes we all do! But end of day, we get along and love eachother good or bad, rain or shine. That's how it should be.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2017): The core of your problem? Your boyfriend. He is a man-boy who doesn't have the gonads to tell his parents when to get-off his back!
Like a spoiled-child, you just let them go through their tantrums and the silent-treatment as long as they wish. Their pouting can't last indefinitely; and bullies need your fear for empowerment. You have to modify their behavior, but remaining calm and simply ignoring their negative responses.
It's not up to you to confront his parents, it's up to your boyfriend to let them know he is now a man; and that he will do what he feels he has to do. He does not need them to tell him when to, or how.
When someone offers you their hospitality; you accept graciously. If they make you an offer you don't want? You decline it just as graciously; but stick to your guns, though they may persist. If you want a dog, get one; since you've given-in and decided to take the place. What are they going to do, kick you out? Insist, if you take the place you will have to set some ground-rules. You want to be treated as any other tenants, and you insist on your privacy.
Sometimes you have to go against being a ridiculously sensitive person. Life only allows the strong to survive. You can maintain your sweet nature without allowing people to tread all over you. Don't rule-out getting a new boyfriend. Man-boys ruled by their parents don't make for a happy future. His parents will be up in your grill at all times.
Parents hate to give-up their authority and control. If he submits to their bullying and pouting, they will never see either of you as adults. You will always be children requiring their guidance and letting them make your decisions. They use their stubbornness to force you in-line; but you also have to push-back!
When they make an opinion that offends you, tell them you are offended. Let them go off! Leave the room, or completely vacate the premises.
If they go into bitch-mode and call themselves freezing you out, take advantage of it. Consider it peace and a time-out. All that time, they're out of your hair. Stop accepting their offers and do it yourself. Then you'll diminish their hold and loosen their grip. They'll step-back once they see they don't always get what they want; and you don't have to listen to the crap they say, if you don't want to.
Personally, I think accepting their property was a mistake. They have the right to show-up unannounced. They have access with or without permission, and your boyfriend will be a baby-boy for as long as they remain in control. Lest you both tell them it's time they butt-out! Of course a storm will build and they will huff and puff, that's their game-strategy. Intimidation! Must they always win?
Peaceful, dignified rebellion works wonders with bossy parents of adult-children. That, and finding a more mature man who can run his own life, sees you as his equal; and you both stand as partners through all things.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (12 February 2017):
 By finding somewhere else to rent FAST and putting as much distance between yourselves and them as you can as fast as you can.
If you can afford to rent from them, then I assume you can find somewhere else to rent? Somewhere where you will be treated as adults and not have to watch everything you do or say.
They will just have to get on with being petulant on their own. You will at least not have to see much of them so won't have to listen to their tantrums.
You and your boyfriend need to stand together on this and tell them that, much as you appreciate their kind offer, you have discussed the matter and feel it is time you stood on your own two feet.
Then enjoy the rest of your life and only have contact when absolutely necessary.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (12 February 2017):
You should not move into their property. you should not marry this boy, and that's what he is. you should not continue to lstay under their roof and live under their heel. You should pack your thins and return home. The fact that you got back together with him at the urging of his parents is a major red flag. If you don't heed my advice prepare yourself for a lifetime of stress.
Good luck!
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