A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I am 18 years old. I have been in a serious relationship for almost two years now. I know for sure that my gf is the one. The thing is that as a new found out lesbian and her being my first everything, I haven't been able to really figure myself out and it's starting to hurt because I'm still not comfortable with myself. I feel like I missed out on being able to explore other lesbians and since I live in an area where there aren't many I haven't been able to be around many people like me. We've been talking about a semi open relationship where no sex is allowed just flirting and hanging out but is there any other way for me to figure myself out and explore myself as a lesbian? I don't want to hurt our relationship but I feel like the open relationship is short term and me not knowing myself could be long term and could end up messing our relationship up. What do I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2011): I hope you are listening, because I have experience in your dilemma. I am a lesbian and my wife and I have been together committed for nearly 8 years. I always knew I was ready for a commitment. I was always marriage material. She, on the other hand, was always afraid of marriage, because to HER, it meant ownership, the way heterosexuals had first developed marriage many moons ago.
I told her that in today's world, a commitment can be whatever the COUPLE wants it to be together. It is not about owning someone, but it is about two people giving themselves to each other. When you do that, then it means others do not have a right to court either of you, touch either of you, or date either of you. You aren't taking something from each other - but you willingly give each other only to each other. It doesn't sound like you're ready to do this. My wife wasn't either, even though she did NOT tell me this. She kept delaying our marriage plans. When I asked her if she had cold feet, she denied it, and said she just wanted to wait until we had more money for a nice wedding. That was ALL she said when I asked her. She DID tell me that she didn't like what marriage meant in her mind. But she didn't tell me she didn't want to marry me. I proposed and she accepted my ring of engagement, and told me she considered herself engaged and she WANTED to be my wife. She and I lived together and she never dated anyone during that time. She had a few girlfriends and even a couple of boyfriends when she was a teenager. But when she met me, everything changed. She was in love big time and it was nothing like anything she'd had before. I am older than her and once we got serious, I made it clear that saying "I love you" changes everything. She won't admit to that, but it does. It changes things for most people because it's a serious thing to say. The problem was that my wife didn't know how to tell me that she still wanted more time in case she might want the freedom to see other people. She knew that I would not consent to that, and she could lose me. She felt I was "selfish" for telling her the truth about my feelings and how it was her choice which road she would take in her life. I said there are NO guarantees in life that dating other people will or won't ruin our relationship. Besides, I knew that I did NOT want to share her at that point with anyone. She always said that she's got to be #1 when she's with someone. Here I was, telling her I am the same way, but she would not accept that. She said that because she lost out on a lot in her life, I should have let her do as she pleased and just "know" that after that, she'd be back. I said, (and I STILL believe) that there are NO guarantees. NONE. I think it's romantic of her to believe she'd have come back, but here is how I see it: If your love is THST strong, then you shouldn't really want to be with someone else at all. I felt that she was being selfish by wanting to see other people once we were living together and in love. To me, being in love doesn't make room for talking about freedom to go on dates with other people! I am NOT that kind of a person. She knew this. She led me to believe that she was ready to marry me, and later on, she tried telling me she was clear about not being ready to marry. SHE DID NOT TELL ME THAT. What she said was that she wanted to wait until we had more money for a nice ceremony!! So years later, she still felt she had missed out on seeing other people. My heart was broken. I had given her my heart and I had hoped that was enough for her. If she loved me, shouldn't that be enough?? She convinced herself that I was trying to control her. I think that convincing herself of that just made it easy for her to believe it. And in doing so, she had an affair with another female. Some ugly young mutt from work - where else? I gave my wife my love, my home, my heart, my time, I cared for her in sickness, helped her with all kinds of things... She was pressing me about having a child, too. I told her I didn't want to discuss kids unless we could discuss marriage. I didn't think it'd be fair to me or to a child to start a family with someone who won't commit to me. ALL I wanted was a good wife who loved me, appreciated me and would give herself only to me. I did all of those things for her, and I wanted them in return. I don't think she missed out on anything. I did not mean to do anything selfish. I would not want her to feel empty or angry at me. But I don't think that having emotional affairs or sexual affairs with other people will make a huge difference. But that is just MY opinion. You could still do those things and still not feel as if you have "figured out" yourself. My wife and I disagree on this issue. It all depends on how much importance you place on this, I guess. MY wife had MORE dates and sex with other people than I did. But I don't feel empty and I don't need to see other people to feel as if I have "figured myself out." It isn't something I need other people to give me. So I cannot relate to you with that feeling. So the bottom line is: I don't think there IS a way to explore your sexuality without jeopardizing your relationship. My wife seems to think that ours would not have been jeopardized had she explored herself more. I disagree with her 150% and I always will. And that is why I gave her a choice to pursue a life of freedom OR to commit to me. It was her choice. And she made it. And then she cheated on me and blamed me for it. I gave everything I had to just her. I never once even thought of cheating on her. I would never hurt her. But she deliberately hurt me and blamed me for why she did it. I hope that whatever YOU do, you will think carefully and not blame your girlfriend, whatever you choose. All I can say is, if you really think you're in love and she is the one, then my suggestion is to forget about seeing other people and don't mess up a good thing. Don't cheat later on and wonder if you made a mistake... Love is love and you can't tell it what to do. If she finds someone else and doesn't wait for you, you can't blame her. Seeing other people is your idea. She doesn't have to be faithful to someone who isn't faithful to her. And just flirting or hanging out is not going to stay right there, trust me. If you do that with women you're attracted to, it will lead to more. (More feelings and/or sexual things or kissing). Believe me, you cannot do this without hurting your girlfriend. It is up to YOU whatever you choose. If you want to see other people, tell her and don't expect anything of her. Some people don't want to get hurt and they try to do what they must to protect themselves. If I were her, I would see a BIG caution flag with you, and I would be trying to NOT get wrapped up in you. If I met someone else, then so be it... But if you choose to be with her, try to be thankful for what you have and know that you've got the best. Don't ever underestimate what you have or screw it up. Affairs don't help at all. The grass isn't greener. My wife sees this now. She still thinks we shouldn't have married when we did, but I have at least tried getting it through her skull that seeing other people MIGHT ruin things forever.
Every action has a reaction. Love is not measured by how much you tolerate of someone else, and expect them to take you back no matter what you put them through. I find THAT selfish. Just think it over carefully what you realy need in life and try to pick something smart. If she isn't the great love of your life, then tell her you think you should date a little just to get it out of your system. But do NOT be surprised if you devastate her or ruin things. Part of being a grownup is admitting that you have consequences with your actions and people cannot always handle things the way you want them to, just so you can have your pie and keep your cake. Life makes you choose. Better start accepting that. My wife doesn't understand that.
A
female
reader, Dear Mandy  +, writes (9 May 2011):
 Hi You say that this girl is the one for you, but you want to try out other girls because she is your first everything? then she is NOT the one for you, or you wouldn't want to even think about what you could be missing out on!! I am a straight women and have many gay and lesbian freinds, and they wouldn't dream of going elsewhere. When you first came out as a lesbian, I wonder if this made you realise that not so many people care about it anymore, so now you want to have a mess around for a while? this is only natural to want to explore, but I will say if you do let this girl go, just so you can let your curiosity get the better of you, im afraid you may loose her for good. Or if you both agree on an slightly open relationship then one or both of you will get very hurt, and its not worth it. Has the sex got a little boring for you both? maybe you could try to spice things up a bit? but you need to decide sooner rather than later whether or not she really IS the ONE for you.I hope this has helped
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