A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have a problem. I do not easily let people in, because I know if I ever truly give my heart completely to someone, and they break it, it will be the last time. I know myself. I ended up getting very close to someone I knew for six years, but who was my ex's best friend. I was in a diff state working a great job and came on weekends to see my friends. HE kissed me when we had gone off to talk at a party.HE intiated more than that.HE called and called (setting an alarm at 5am to talk, then driving away from his house where there's no reception to sit in his car all day and text me at work)HE told me he was in love with me firstHE told me he wanted to be with me firstHE told me he would probably at this point die if we couldn't be togetherHE wanted to spend hours, late into night on phoneWhen I came back that weekend (he was coming to my state with me for a month following it):HE went to tell his best friend (my ex) with me and he told him how he felt and couldn't risk something like this, knowing he could (prob wd) be hit or lose him (he lost him)HE asked me to come home with him and meet / get to know his son (never lets friends do that)HE broke down emotionally with me one of those nights because one of his emotional triggers was pulled by his father and he -through talking it through- realized what it was.HE said we were perfect for one anotherAnd we do have the same tendencies, desires, values, reactions to past/present situations, goals, dreams, parental beliefs, issues, insecurities, fears, hopes, secrets, deep down never tell a soul thoughts/feelings, personality traits, calm and rational temperaments, non-judgement, sociability, open-mindedness, upfrontness, same brand of craziness-spontaneity-optimism mixed with same type of responsibility, And yes, the sex is amazing (we have never done it less than 3 times a day).... there is just so much else but would be endless. We are essentially mirrors of each other. The big things were 1. Had always been givers and empathetic in relationships, and with apathetic takers. 2. We were always honest about the little stuff, fears, concerns, irritations etc so it didn't become anything big and knew we wouldn't be judged.Since I was anyway moving to his state when we found a place for him, his son and me... I didn't go to work. We spent every minute of that month together. We talked for days and he wanted to keep going. We never got sick of one another. We didn't really talk to too many others. The friends he did meet loved him and the way he treated me. He complimented me, told me he loved me, was affectionate, did nice things many times a day. It was perfect. He told me he wasn't scared and was certain for once. I knew he was, cause I was too. We went back for a few days, hoping to find something that soon so I could come right back. We didn't. I came back here. Then he had a death scare. He could still die if he smokes again. The combination of being apart after so long together, being alone somewhere that reminded me of him, the uncertainty of when we would be together, not having a job to go to, and then thought of him dying.... it led to me being unable to sleep (for 5 days). Havent had that. I thought it wouldn't last. By third day it was too late. Got sleep deprivation and hallucinations (never had them before, it scared me) and couldn't drive to get sleeping pills. Kept trying to sleep, then would get freaked out by what I was seeing, feeling and hearing. All I wanted to do was talk to him. The short times I did, he did not make me feel much better and seemed annoyed.He has had wanderlust, very sad moments that I have been there for, and as a former addict he has had cravings I have been there for.... but this one thing changed his whole view to me and way he was. Suddenly he was not calling, short/cold when we talked, and when I finally asked he snapped/yelled and told me that he didn't know how he felt. I asked 'about us?'. 10 min pause. He said 'I don't want to hurt you.' . I asked 'Do you want to leave me but don't want to hurt me?' 10 min pause. Then him not really saying anything but those two things. Then getting mad when I assumed he wanted to break up. He told me it wasn't that, it was he was stressed cause he felt like I was going crazy there and he wasn't moving fast enough. He said that was it. But that distance/difference in us is still there when we (barely) talk on the phone.
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at work, best friend, my ex, sleeping pills, smokes, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 October 2012):
 Have you both only been in a relationship together for a month? If that is the case then this relationship is moving way to fast for my liking. Talking about moving in together and starting a family after such a small period off time always spells trouble. Its obvious he is confused at the moment and he doesn't know what or who he wants. Big red flag signs here straight away. He is way to unsure of himself for you to uproot your life and move in with him. He needs to open up and talk to you face to face to sort this out.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMystery solved.He had run into his ex (someone I already knew he still felt for, though he denied it in the past). And he talked to her for a couple of hours and then realized he was in love with both of us.Told him that I was not going to compete for my own boyfriend, a boyfriend who broke down my emotional walls and was more intense with me than anyone has ever been and who I spent every minute of the last month with, then comes back and after a few days his eyes wander? (And I am not being arrogant, just wondering if its an insecurity thing or a old love thing, but from what all his family and friends have said, she is not as good looking at me at all, she is very stuck up and rude, and she treated him horrible -he said that- ... meanwhile I treat him great, am exactly his match and we have shared more with one another than anyone else)I DONT GET HOW HE COULD FALL THAT QUICK WHEN NOTHING WITH US WAS WRONG?I also told him if there was any chance he had an inclination he may want to be with her someday to be with her. But that he had to choose (he had the nerve to go back and forth). He said that was what she said, told him I didn't care what she said, I was his girlfriend! Gave him as many ways as I could to choose her.. . better now than later. Then he was like 'okay conversation over. choose you. its done.' Was I suppose to jump up and hug him for choosing the girlfriend who has been by his side and done nothing but take care of him and love him? The girlfriend he was in the process of moving in with and starting a family? Really? The other thing that irritated me was that I told him how much it hurt to not know what was going on for days. He told me (not first time) that I shouldn't say it cause it made him feel bad (maybe he shouldnt do things that cause guilt?) He put me through hell thinking I did something wrong. Don't get me wrong, his ex was one of many possibilities on my mind. But I was just blown away. If you are in a relationship, then just say that. The thing that worried me is he said he was mad at me for staying up so long and not going to the doctor.... well, when he was with his ex, he got mad at her and slept with his previous ex. Don't like that pattern of behavior. Im not sure he knows what commitment is ....I really don't know what I am feeling right now... and he won't discuss it again in the future I'm sure, so I just don't know..... definitely leaving that wall up that I built the last few days.On one hand, lots of people have feelings for their exes, and never tell their significant others of them. On the other, I felt like I was being made to tell my boyfriend why he should stay with me when he is the one who pursued me so strongly and made me feel safe with him. And when I didn't do anything....
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A
female
reader, AuntyAunt  +, writes (4 October 2012):
 You need to go and see him as soon as possible. You both need to learn to be more supportive of each-other through this. You need to respect the fact that he has had a lot to deal with lately and your relationship may not exactly be his number one priority at the moment as his life was at risk not too long ago. He also needs to accept the fact that you're bound to worry about him and would need reassurance often that he's okay. There needs to be an equal balance here.
I think what you both need more than anything right now is to spend a little time with each other. See each other face to face.
Don't worry too much, I believe everything will be okay eventually for you too. Be positive.
Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (4 October 2012):
I wouldn't panic yet if I was you. I don't think he wants to break up with you, I think he is just very stressed out at the moment. He had a death scare which must have been very hard for him to deal with, I am sure he struggled to deal with this and then he had you phoning him and you wheren't yourself and needed his comfort. I don't think he had it in him to comfort you at that time as he was fighting his demons. I think that is why he backed off from you. I am sure this will get much easier in time once you move closer to him, if I where you I would do this sooner rather than later, as the distance is causing troubles in this relationship.
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