A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone.I have a problem which i would really appreciate it if you helped me out. My problem has been on going on 4 months and i want some clarity as i don't know what to do anymore. My problem first started when i found porn on my boyfriend computer whom i live with. I freaked out and literally lost my head. i cried lots and he promised me he loved me and that he wouldn't do it again. I knew it was only time before i found it again. And again he promised. But this time, i said it's about the lying and not him watching it. I made a compromise with him that i will learn to accept it if he tells me the truth and he agreed. That 2nd promise was in late october of this year. Since then, I've still found it here and then, all in different places like his mum's computer, ps3 internet, and his laptop searches for films like "show girls" and "jerry springer bra-less uncensored". To me it seems like he's finding different ways and different excuses to get to watch it somehow and get away with it. He knows also that i am consciously looking for it as he didn't seem guilty so i needed some proof that he wasn't doing it. I really want clarity on why he's doing this. why does he want to watch it so much and lie about it when i've told him that we can't grow as a couple if there's no compromise?I also think i should add that i'm his first girlfriend at 24 so he's always kinda relied on porn, so i do know it's going to be hard work.I also know that he doesn't know how to act in a relationship, even though we've been together for 11 months. He also hates compromise and arguments hence tries to avoid them. Please don't comment on how i should accept how all men do it. I've read and read, researched and researched and had many chats with males friends, but i can't get my head round it as much as i want to. And i now rather not give in to accepting him watching it now because i've made such efforts to please him and get him to stop, even though porn isn't about me. He may be watching it less than before, but he's still lying, which is my problem now. Could his extent to lying about watching porn mean he might lie about something else? or do you think i'm just crazy?He is my first adult relationship and as i love him, i want to do everything possible to make it work before i give up otherwise if i didn't and we broke up, i'd keeping thinking " what if i did this?".Please help me understand what's going on and i'm losing my sanity. Much appreciated x
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2012): Your problem isn't even about porn though OP. Your problem is him looking at anything at all with a partially nude woman in it and your "compromise" is that he has to okay this all with you first or tell you each pair of tits he sees so you can go ahead and compare yourself to them and have something else to be insecure about? Showgirls is a movie, not porn. Even guys who don't like porn are going to see naked tits in movies and stuff OP. You've gone too far. You should do what female anon did and move on. You quite literally are never going to be able to understand that he is going to see and look at other naked women in things. There is no compromise here OP. Not every guy looks at porn but we all see naked tits. We all click on that link of that celeb topless on the beach the odd time. You do too. This is not going to work for you OP. You're always going to be insecure and snoopy on him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2012): I think you're being ridiculous. I'm sorry but you are. What next? Do you want him to tell you every time he has to do something personal too?! The fact is you've brought this upon yourself, you looked at the history and you're continuing too in order to spark an argument/problem. It seems like you're looking for something to nag at him about. its like if he told you not to wear something or go somewhere without him, you'd tell him to go to hell. That's what he's doing now, only he's doing it quietly because he can't be a^^^d to listen to you making what he probably now thinks to as white noise.
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A
male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (30 November 2012):
1 - Sorry to tell you, but a very large proportion of men do it in some way or another. Look at it like alcohol, not all guys use it, but most do to some degree or another.
2 - Just like with alcohol, there is a difference between use and addiction. One is fine, the other is not.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2012): Some men watch it, some men aren't fussed. A man who isn't used to having sex is probably more likely to watch it, I can understand why you wouldn't like him watching now he has someone I think it's not needed. The only way I'd understand is if they looked at something they didn't want to ask you to do, looking at exactly the same thing you can get with your own partner baffles me.
I've had to battle with porn on many occasions, the first guy said he stopped doing it and deleted his stuff it took ages.
The second didn't take that long but was still a struggle. It still makes me wonder to this day how these people thought I would let them have me and porn, they seem to think they are still single.
I ended up dumping both.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 November 2012):
 I won't tell you that all men watch porn, because my personal experience denies that. Of the 3 important relationships in my life ( a long marriage, and two LTRs ),two never had any interest for porn and never watched it , and one did watch it occasionally, but with a very relaxed, not compulsive, not obsessive attitude.
BUT, there are many many guys who watch porn , and yours is one. He must have a good ten years of porn watching on his shoulder,- and no real thing before you- so it must be a very ingrained and very hard to break habit .
The problem , though, is that it does not sounds like he wants to break it or is committed to break it, he just wants to appease you and make you shut up with his empty promises. You say that he is the type that hates arguments and compromise too ( i.e., he wants to do all he wants but not to be called out on it ) , so I think it's natural that his way to solve the problem is to be passive aggressive and sneaking behind your back.
Why ?, because he does not have the balls to say " I am not prepared to give up porn, and I don't think there's anything wrong in my habit, so, no, I don't want to tell you when I watch it, because it makes me feel pussywhipped ,and because it takes half of the pleasure of doing something private and secret . So, since porn is a problem only for you not for me , you need either to put up with it, or to leave me ". Or, maybe he is afraid that you actually would instantly break up with him if he was so outspoken, so he'll look for a way to keep his cake and eat it too.
I am afraid that if his porn watching really bothers you and hurts you so much, you should just break up. As you have seen, you can't trust his promises, they are only words said to not rock the boat. And you can't change people , or their habits and dependences, if they don't want to : it's them who've got to become fed up .
When people has to give up something they enjoy and don't see anything wrong with " for love ", i.e. to please someone else, it never works. They may make some attempt- serious or half-willed, but they always relapse. Because they haven't interiorized, they haven't owned the necessity for a change. The only real change starts from the inside of ourselves.
I am sorry that my answer can't be helpful to you, because it does not indicate a method to solve the situation in your favour. but frankly , I don't think there is,- it sounds that this guy does not really want to give up porn, - only wants not to be nagged about it, and in this case you can only expect more deception.
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