A
male
age
36-40,
*bonex
writes:Sometimes my wife will talk on the phone to other people like her "homies" or somebody she says she knew since she was little. The thing is, I have heard her say sexually explicit things to the other people(males)on the phone. It could have been because they said something to her out the way like that or she just felt like saying it. Whenever I have heard something like that, I get this weird uneasy feeling inside me and I don't feel very well. I'd confront her about it and let her know what I thought and she just can't seem to understand why that's bad. She says it shouldn't be a problem because she's just playing plus usually she says its a "little boy" she's talking to. (Like that's suppose to make it all better or something? I wasn't born yesterday). Usually because he may have said something to her first. Then I ask, "Why are you talking to a little child like that? How old is this little child?" Usually the age is either 15 0r 16. I feel like that's messed up whether the male is 5, 10, or 40. That's because we are married and I feel that she shouldn't talk to other people sexually explicit whether she's playing or not because that should only be exclusive to me now. Not being possessive, but I know there are rules to marriage and I am no fool. She just can't seem to understand why I get mad and upset with her because she is talking to other people like that. I am a man and I don't need my woman saying sexually explicit things to other people like that, whether I know them or not. I know someone wouldn't want that from their loved one either, unless that person likes that kind of thing. I know for a fact I wouldn't do something like that to my wife because I know who I want and have her right now. There is no need for me to engage in some sexually explicit-like conversation with someone else besides the woman I vowed to be with for the rest of my life. I don't think this should be taken lightly. Pretty soon, I will let her know what I think about that especially if she does it again. Honestly, who in their right mind would be ok with their spouse or significant other talking sexually explicit to the opposite sex? Even the same sex, I just don't think people should do that to each other. It's messed up on so many different levels. Is there anyone who agrees with me on that perspective? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2009): wow, good for you. you have proven just what honest communication can do in any relationship.marriage is hard work. it requires both partners to try and both to give 100%. so, still work on it. still be observant and still communicate openly and calmly. you did good.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2009): I am happy things are just working out, and you yourself can deal with these things much much better than before. I'm sure this is a new side of you she never saw before but its come about in a good way to help the marriage. I'm sure the arguments and conflict wont end, but if you can communicate to her like this well then I'm sure it's 100x easier to deal with.
Good luck, to you and your wife.
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male
reader, Tbonex +, writes (4 July 2009):
Tbonex is verified as being by the original poster of the question Female reader anonymous, I have been very observant, she has noticed. She has given me reason to inquire her of some issues thst have been pressing me. Well everyone, I have found something out. I asked her about the hotel again I believe yesterday or the day before that. Well, I said, "I'm going to ask you a question and be calm about it. If I can remain calm about it then you should have no problem doing the same. I'm not accusin you of anythin, but I would like to know, What exactly were you doing when you went to the hotel that night? You was out really late at night to early morning, not home with me, like you should have been in the first place. I am your husband you are my wife what on Earth was you thinking doing something like that? Am I that boring to you(she thinks I'm boring) that you have to go to hotels to have some fun?" She had a "I don't understand" type look on her face and replied, "No, thats not it. I had just came from over my friend place with her and her boyfriend and I paid for their hotel rom. I didn't do anything with anybody, I swear I didn't. I sat down and watched tv for about fifteen minutes while they just sat down on the bed. I told them I was leaving and then I came home." I smiled and asked her, "Doesn't your friend's MAN have a place to stay? He suppose to be a grown (block out word)man and you gonna pay for the room? Why?" She replied, "He does have a place to stay but he lives all the way out there in such-and-such which is like an hour or so away. And they had cash but the lady at the front counter didn't have enough change in the drawer so I used the debit card. They gave me the cash back. All I did was chill and watch tv for about five to ten minutes and told them I was leaving. Nothing happened." I said, "Five to ten minutes. You just said not too long ago fifteen." "Why should it matter?" She replied. "It matters because I don't like you lying to me! I wasn't born yesterday and I will not be pushed over so easily." She looked at me and smiled a little. She said, "Baby, nothing happened. I know that was wrong and that's why I didn't say nothing about it. Something told me not to do it, but I was just being a friend helping them out. I'm not going to do that again because I don't want to lose something good over somebody else who don't even care about me like you do." She said more and I finally felt that was resolved. A load off my chest, I then followed with another question. "Ok, I believe you. But how about this? Do you still think it's ok for you to talk a certain way to the opposite sex and you're married to me?" She knew what I was talking about but didn't reply right away. "I mean, honestly, who in their right mind would be ok with their significant other or their spouse talking sexually explicit to the opposite sex? Answer that, and tell me who in their right mind would?" She looked frustrated and said, "I know, I know nobody would. That is messed up and we already discussed this. Why are you bringing it up again?" I replied, "Because I feel like I didn't get my point across the first time and I want you to know just how serious I feel about this." She agreed with me and I went on to the next question. It was sometime later; about her ex. I was talking to my sister-in-law on her cell phone and somebody beeped in. Guess who!? I told my sister that I would tak to her later, stared at the phone as it continued to flash with her ex's name on it. I then gave her a mean look, and handed it to her. She asked me what my problem was but I went downstairs to get some ice cream, then I came back up the stairs. She looked at me as if I was crazy. I was doing something on the computer and I must have looked really mad. She told the person she would call him back. Her attention to me, "What the (word) is your problem?" I asked her, "So, you talking to your ex huh? Be honest with me." She said nothing. " I told you to delete what you send or somebody sends you on myspace." She said, "I thought I did that. It only goes from the outbox right?" I said, "Wrong, you forgot the sent mail too. I know what you sent him. You seeking him out like you still interested in him. That's not ok!" she said to me, "No I'm not! I did send him something but I told him I was happily married and just wanted to see how he was doing. And I gave him my number but he never replied back to me, you saw it on MySpace. He didn't send me anything back." I told her, "He must be pretty smart. A mn should know not to do that on another man's account. He must have some sense then. But he calling you, so he did reply back to you." She told me, "For your info, that's my cousin such-and-such. Him and my ex have the same name and he was calling me about such-and-such." She looked at me as if I was suppose to look shocked. What a coincidence, I thought to myself and then told her that. "So that's not your ex?" Shesays, "No. He wouldn't even reply back to me." I said, "First, you like to use his name as usernames/passwords, then, you seek him out on MySpace like you still interested in him or something. After that, I see his name in your phone and he calling you. Now tell me you still ain't thinking about him? Any man would do the same thing in my postion and inquire about that. Yeah right, make me wrong." She said to me, "I used his name in my passwords and stuff before you and I were even going out." I then said to her, " Even if that is true, I have seen you do it while you were with me, we're married and you gonna use your ex's name and tell me it means nothing." She claims its because "its easy to remember". I mentioned to her, "Why can't you use my name then? We been together long enough for you to remember that no problem." She said my name out loud and looked into the distance. Kind of scoffed. It's more to it but she eventually got pissed off and said she would just delete everything she uses with his name and make new accounts. I explained to her more that I wasn't telling her to delete everything, I wasn't even telling her to change her passwords/usernames with her ex's name; I just wanted to let her know how I felt. I then told her to put herself in my shoes with everything I've told her that I thought was wrong and see how she felt. She said she would probably get mad and beat me up for doing that. Once againg, she admitted she was wrong for doing all of those things and said some love-e duvee stuff to me. I then asked her to point out things that she thought I was wrong for towards her. She couldn't think of any so I pointed some out to her. I identified what I thought was wrong that I was doing and she said "You already discussed that to me, I know." Maybe she does listen from time to time, but I like to make sure my point has gotten across. Yes, she was mad after all of that but people need to know these things in a relationship, married or not. It's more of course but that's all I'll say for now. I feel better so thanks Sincerely Yours, SirenaBlusera, JasonX, and anonymous readers for feedback and guiding me on these issues. It's all very much appreciated and if I had money to dish out to you all, I would. I know its more things but I'll leave them be for now. I didn't get to the chocolate Sincerely Yours, but the time seemed right and I think it worked out fine. I do however, have a gift for her birthday which is coming up really soon. She doesn't know yet, but shes a female and from what I know, all females like jewelry; especially if its shiny!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2009): well just be more observant and let her know that you would not tolerate her messing about. i think she is taking to much of liberties and you are too much of a nice guy. but i think you know that there is trouble brewing here. she behaves as though she is single. why? trouble with a capital T???
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A
male
reader, Tbonex +, writes (1 July 2009):
Tbonex is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFemale reader, anonymous: Third party involved? I would hope not on that level but I know recently she has been talking to her ex. Whenever I'm away from her of course. How do I know? For one, she seeked him out on MY Myspace account. I checked my sent mail and what do you know? Messages sent to her ex. She must be REALLY cool with this guy even after he cheated on her without considering her feelings and their relationship. It's not cool. I never thought I would end up in a situation like this but I fell in love with this person so I will deal with it. Not on this level. I can sense future problems with this as I am no fool. I know how it goes and I refuse to be a victim with that. But hey, third party? Maybe or maybe not, I don't know.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2009): (sorry, don't mean to be rude)Tbonex, seems as though your wife has been very problematic of late. You have had a number of posts recently. What's up? Why so much of disrespect for you in your marriage? Are you sure there is no other person (meaning a 3rd party) involved? I smell a rat here since I have been following your issues about her. (please note not being rude or insensitive to your problems but merely inquisitive/observant)
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A
male
reader, Tbonex +, writes (30 June 2009):
Tbonex is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJasonX, you bear a good point. No, I'm not that kind of man I prefer to be more gentle in nature. I'm a Taurus, so sometimes I can be stubborn and aggressive like in nature; but I do like to please my cancer and shower her with gifts whenever I get the chance.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2009): Yay isn't marriage fun?!!! Congrats! lol see...that wasn't so hard...
But yeah as you can very well see how arguing when you are angry is bad, although she didn't give you much choice, and I think more than often you will realize some women just want to win arguments.
Anyway , I guess her habit is something she used to do all the time...and really all the time but when you two were dating she didn't do it. Ofc why would any woman do that when dating, that's just silly. But yeah I don't know how quick she will actually solve that problem of hers, but you will have to bare with it for a while. Hopefully the time she spent away from you made her realize something. If you are not the type of guy to say call women those things then I'm glad she realized just how mad she got you. At the same time you have to be a little more accepting of her conversations as she tries to turn it down.
Anyway...Good luck to the both of you.
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A
male
reader, Tbonex +, writes (30 June 2009):
Tbonex is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSirenaBlusera, even though it hurts me to talk or think about, I'll tell you. It may be long, probably will. I'll explain it in some detail. The first time I remember, she was talking on the phone in the kitchen(cooking), inappropriate conversation as usual. And then I hear her say, "Let me talk to my baby daddy. What's mup baby daddy?" It's one thing to play with people and it's another to seem like you enjoy it. I am no fool so I know that's not cool. I asked her, "Who is that you're talking to on the phone like that? That's not me, I'm right here." As usual she didn't seem to understand where I wsas coming from and she told me who it was. "It's such and such(don't want to say the person's name). You know we be playing like that." I replied, "No I don't." Then she said, "Yes you do, you knew that before we was married." With a smile on her face. Then I said, "Even if I did, that doesn't give you the right to do that now. Not that kind of thing. You don't play with other people like that. I don't even know the person like that for real. You may be cool with him on that level but I know I'm not." Then she started to defend him, that made me flaming hot angry but I just looked and listened to her. I thought, "How come every time she speaks with the opposite sex(Not me) and I hear her crossing boundaries and they do too, she defends them and doesn't consider my feelings. Se claims she knows these people from way back and they her homies but if they had any respect for a person;s marriage, they would not do that kind of thing with someone else's woman or man. In this case, woman. The fact that my wife continuously thinks it's not a bad thing to do says a lot to me. I guess she doesn't have that much respect for herself or this marriage. I thought women were suppose to be smarter and more compassionate than men. Not with my wife and I though. It's really sad." I went upstairs and I could hear her talking about me on the phone saying things not good about me as if I was the one that did something wrong. I laid down in the bed for about what seemed like two hours and my wife came upstairs and got in the bed with me. She asked me what was wrong. I was reluctant to tell her what I thought at first but she kindof had a hint. I say that because she got part of it right. I told her and she still did not understand what I meant. I said, "I don't like when you talk to other people like that. It makes me think you giving them play and don't deserve that from you. You better than that that's why I chose you to be my wife. You not suppose to do thins like that to your husband." Then she said, "So what, you my husband. That has nothing to do with it." When someone says something and feels like its right and I know its not right, depending on the level of the situation(this one to me was high. It involves my wife whom I truly care about and she's talking to other people like that), yes, I will get pissed...off. Now I didn't show it I stayed calm and then said, "We're married. You and I are MARRIED. How do you think I'm suppose to feel when you talking to oher people like that like its all cool?" She replied, "It shouldn't be no problem, you knew I was like this before we got married." I then said, "No I didn't." Then she denied me as if I was lying. I didn't know she would do that to me, her husband. I really thought that was suppose to be something special between two people; I know it is. Eventually, I guess she wanted me to shut up because she finally acted like she understood what I meant and agreed that was wrong. I know this because she did it again, this time with a different person who she said she had been knowing since she was little. Once again, "A little boy. He's just a little child." as she says it. Now, little child, grown man, woman, girl, hermaferdite, idiot, molech, ramuh, liu kang, shao kahn, cloud strife, tifa lockhart, whoever. I don't care you don't talk to other people like that when you're in a relationship, especially marriage. I literally vowed that I wanted to be with this woman the rest of my life. I meant everything I said that day and I know I will keep that promise; but I didn't expect to have to deal with her doing this to me. It really hurts me and makes me think. When this happened though, I went downstairs, put on some clothes, got the keys to the car, and was about to go to the gym to cool off. She came outside still talking on the phone and went to the back of the car so I wouldn't get out. I told her to move out the way, I'm leaving. She said to me "You ain't going nowhere. You'll have to run me over, and if you do and I'm able to, I'll beat the living(explicit words)." I then said, I'm going to the gym so I can cool off and relax. I'll talk to you later. Eventually she got in the car with me so we could talk. I knew this was going to be a bad idea because I was way too hurt and upset and I kept telling her I needed to cool off, then I'll talk, but she wouldn't listen to me. She didn't want me to leave and wanted to talk then.I was feeling really bad at the time, but we talked. She just didn't seem to understand where I was coming from and she told me "Sometimes I have to have space and need to be alone. Just because I'm talking to somebody else like that doesn't mean anything." I thought to myself, "I wasn't born yesterday woman, that does mean something. I am not a fool." That's what I said in my head, didn't say it out loud. Then I mentioned who she was talking to and how I thought that wasn't cool. She went off on me and started defending those people again. I'm upset sitting down wondering, "What's so special about these people to her? Why doesn't she ever defend me like that if people were to speak of me wrongly?" Now wrongly, I think I spoke of them rightly because I didn't asy anything bad about them and I was defending my position as "Her Man, Her King, The one she vowed to be with the rest of her life, etc, etc." But she didn't like it. She triggered a switch inside my head with something she knows makes me mad, that kind of thing for no good reason. I know these other people she likes to play with and talk to aren't going to be there for her like I have. I know they don't care about her like I do. That's one reason I get so upset when she does things like that with other people. Then I accidentally said something, I say accidentally because I know for a fact I didn't mean to. Honestly, I didn't. I wanted her to be quiet and stop yelling at me on account of these other people's defense who don't even car about her. I know they don't. I said, (Female dog!(Replace words), You know(explicit word) I don't try to control you!!" Now, I do love my wie but that came out by accident. It was like I had terets at the wrong time or something. My anger mixed in with her loud, uncalled-for voice, not even listening to me, just made me break. It really did just come out, as if somebody spoke for me. I love my wife and in no way am I intending to hurt her; especially saying that. But she did shut up, and she smiled. She then made it seem like everything was my fault, called and told people what was going on, said she was leaving me, packed some of her bags, and someho managed to get my keys from me, lock me out my own house, take the car from me, and drove off. She told me she was getting a plane ticket and going home. Told me to ship the rest of her belongings to her. Now I will admit I had no right to call her that and I had apologized a million times to her and tried everything to prevent her from leaving. I tried so hard to explain how bad she hurt me, but she didn't care of my feelings andcontinued to thrash out hrsh words at me and tell me off and get loud and drove off. I felt so bad and still do about that. I didn't mean to say that to her, it was like some other part of me said that. A part I didn't even know existed. Most of the time, I am a very nice person, but I felt like she crossed the line with me and it was automatic. I didn't think about it. it was a reflexive like reaction to what she said. I didn't mean it, as I said I really felt like that was someone else saying that. She told me it sounded like I meant it, but I knw I didn't for real. Why on Earth if a man were to call a woman that word, it seems like everything the woman does is right and the man is wrong. No matter what she had done to me earlier whether right or wrong, just didn't matter. She had hurt my feelings a large and considerable amount and still didn't understan where I was coming from. She just didn't care, everything I did and said before and after that, was wrong. I was man enough to completely forget about my hurt feelings at that moment, and let her know didn't mean that, it actually was an accident, I feel so bad about it, and all that good stuff. She wouldn't listen to me, she didn't care, she just thought about herself and treated me like I was nobody. She left, but eventually came back after I left about 15 voicemails because she wouldn't answer. I sounded like a mess trying to get her to realize I didn't mean it and eventually, she came back to me. We talked more and she once again admitted she shouldn't have done that to me and she does start alot with me. She does, it's not cool. A person can only take so much damage before something bad happens. But as a man, I told her "I'm suppose to be a man. That's not suppose to happen. I disrespected you by saying that and I didn't even mean it." I said more and so did she. Eventually, we had some, "Make Up Sex" That's what she calls it. She tells me its one of the best kinds of sex to have. The thing is, I feel majorly disrespected by her doing that to me along with other things. But in the end I feel like Michael Jackson, "Just call my name and I'll be there."
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female
reader, SirenaBlusera  +, writes (29 June 2009):
 No problem Jason...
Let us know how it goes, Tbonex.
Exactly what did you say to her, if I may ask?
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2009): Yes I would like to know how it goes as well. And thank you SirenaBlusera for the compliment :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2009): Let us know how it goes!
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male
reader, Tbonex +, writes (28 June 2009):
Tbonex is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have talked to her, SirenaBlusera; but when I did, she got way too offended as if I was acusing her of something. I wasn't; just wanted to let her know how I felt when she did that but she got too mad to care of my feelings. It sure seemed like it. I am going to buy her some chocolate and then speak to her about it civilized. Hope it works Sincerely Yours. Thanks.
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female
reader, SirenaBlusera +, writes (28 June 2009):
Ahhh thanks Jason, nearly forgot to say thank you!
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female
reader, SirenaBlusera +, writes (28 June 2009):
No problem, Tbonex.
I can understand your feelings, did you talk to her about this?
I liked Jason's advice too. That's why I added him, I noticed he gives good advice. :)
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male
reader, Tbonex +, writes (27 June 2009):
Tbonex is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat's good info everyone. Thanks alot!
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male
reader, Tbonex +, writes (27 June 2009):
Tbonex is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell it worked Sincerely Yours, lol! I feel better already:)) Thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2009): Well that was the point honstly, was just to make you smile.
:D
~Sy.
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male
reader, Tbonex +, writes (27 June 2009):
Tbonex is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThats a thought to consider a female reader, anonymous. But I don't want to leave her so I'll try my best to make things better. Even with that, I don't deserve such disrespect; not when I don't do anything crazy like that.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2009): I totally agree with you and I think that unless you experience this type of treatment, it is hard to understand how that feels. I have been there.
Many people on this site are pretty open about what cheating is so you may not get the answer you are looking for....it's just the nature of this site.
If you went to a church couple's counseling, I would say 100% would agree this is unexceptable in a relationship.
If she won't agree to at least consider your feelings and recognize that this hurts you deeply, then you have a tough decision to make. Do you stay with her, knowing this won't change and could get worse, or do you leave her and find someone who will take you into consideration with their actions? It's a tough choice, but hapiness is all about making the right choices!
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male
reader, Tbonex +, writes (27 June 2009):
Tbonex is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSincerely Yours, I never have tried that. You asking that makes me smile for some reason. She likes chocolate, so maybe that's a good idea. I think I have a more better plan now, thanks!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2009): You ever tried giving her chocolate to eat while discussing problems?
~Sy.
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male
reader, Tbonex +, writes (27 June 2009):
Tbonex is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes that situation is frustrating to me Sincerely Yours. And yes I agree with you as you are right. I wanted someone's else opinion about it as to see what other people think. It helps, so thank you. I still have yet to talk about it to her again but it seems like som many things I don't want to throw them all on her at once. That would cause nothing good so I'll have to take the problems one at a time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2009): Lol, i know i didn't offer much insite, but you asked a question and i answered it right?
It sounded to me like you have already taken steps to communicate this with her and solve this, but she is being stubborn about it, so you logged on frustrated and looking for someone to agree with you.
Sometimes it's just nice to know that our feelings are justifiable. Good luck.
~Sy.
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male
reader, Tbonex +, writes (27 June 2009):
Tbonex is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Sincerely Yours, SirenaBlusera, and JasonX. I agree with you, I know she is not snooping around or anything, SirenaBlusera; but that kind of thing hurts. Also, that's a good pointer, JasonX; I'll try that.:)
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2009): I agree with you. But my gf did do these things with other guys but I knew them and I knew she didn't love them. Plus if I tried to do it she would get mad lol. I did that just to keep her in check though and remind her what she did. When I talked to her about what she did, she had alot of "logic" for me, so when she asked me about it I used all her logic on her...fun times. If though I didn't know who she was talking to and she kept it from me, then I raised a red flag...because there was absolutely NO reason for any secrets. If your wife can't at least tell you then yeah, problem, and she doesn't see a problem? Then yeah that is also a problem. Don't know how to solve it though...try a calm talk and maybe bring everything you told us and tell her instead. I hope that works, or maybe someone else has been in this situation can offer a better way to solve this.
Good luck bro...
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female
reader, SirenaBlusera +, writes (27 June 2009):
Why don't you just tell her that it bothers you? You should tell her how you feel.
Apparently, she's not sneaking around or anything, so it doesn't sound like she's being unfaithful. I think that in a relationship many people have different standards of what is acceptable and what is not... compromise is key.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2009): I. ~Sy.
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