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anonymous
writes: Hi*Im 23 and my boyfriend is 41, i love him very much and quite frankly ive never felt like this about anyone before, not even when i was in a 7year relationship. I've been with him for 7months now and i am very happy.Everything has been going well, i just recently moved in with him on a temporary basis. I've started my new job and i have a great social life.Two years ago i metomeone while i was out on the weekend, we had a month long love affair and it was truely incredible.This however did not last long as he had to return to Israel, his line of work requires quite a bit of travelling.This was very upsetting but i got over it, forgot about him and quite frankly thought i would never see or hear from him again.A week ago i got a phone call from this same man, the one i had forgotten about, i was truely shocked.He managed to track me down all the way to the U.K and now he wants to see me, i really don't know what to do.He's really thrown a spanner in the works, everything feels so upside down now.I have told my boyfriend about him, even before this had all happened,he seems fine but i know that it has upset him.What do i do, how should i deal with this situation? I really do want to see him again but i don't want to make issues to complicated........any suggestions???
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (21 January 2005):
 Hi there,Bad idea! You're kidding yourself if you think you can go and have a luncheon date and talk about old times together.Because you and The Fling really only had sex in common, if you allow yourself to see him again, you WILL have sex with him and that will complicate issues even more. Let The Fling know that you have good memories of him, but that it was just that, a fling. Frankly, I'm surprised that your current b/f is so understanding of your one-off affair. It could be that he understands that you're still very young and need to have more excitement than he does, but I harbour sincere doubts that he's going to take to the idea of an endless succession of other men, just to keep you amused. You need to decide what you love most: the comfort and security of your older boyfriend or the thrill of no-strings-attached sex with strangers. You're not going to be able to have both. If you were in a 7-year relationship prior to this one, then by my calculations, you've been in a couple since you were about 15! You haven't had any time to learn to be yourself, without a boyfriend around. Time to spread your wings, hon.You asked for suggestions, so I'm going to give you one: move out of the b/f's place and go back to seeing him casually. Get a place on your own and date other men. Pay your own bills, cook your own food, entertain yourself on weeknights and have your female friends around now and then for all-night movie sessions. Giggle. Play your music really loud. Have flings with strangers occasionally. Get it all out of your system. Learn to love yourself and your life independent of other people.Then... have a look at the 41-year-old b/f and see how you feel about settling down with him. If he still looks attractive to you, give some thought to getting back together. If not, you continue loving your single life and all the bonuses that come with it.Have fun.
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