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anonymous
writes: I have recently separated from my partner of 3 years, we have a baby together. We separated because I could not stand his abusive behavour and drinking habits. He now is living back at his parents. I had not seen him in 2 weeks when he came round to my flat, we talked and he went home. He came round a second time this time we slept together and he stayed over. He went the next morning and of course I haven't heard from him since. The only other problem is that I have got my mum involved because of his temper and abusive behavour. My mum told me not to let him in to the flat, but he was very persitent and now i feel used from him and guilty of all of this because I have betrayed my mum.I don't know how to sort all of this out? Please help
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (16 January 2005):
 Hi there,One of the reasons that breaking up is so hard to do, is that it takes you so far from the habits that you're accustomed to. Breaking up with an abusive ex is even harder, because abuse is about misusing power in a relationship, and leaving an abuser threatens the power that the abuser wants so desperately. That's probably why he came around, no matter what the reason was that he gave you. He probably felt that by worming his way into your life, he could get that feeling of control again. When your ex came around to your flat, he abused you yet again, assuming the power between you by smooth-talking his way inside your mum's house, then inside your bed. (He probably feels pretty smug.) However, the fact that he was able to do this is no reflection on your promise to your mum and you shouldn't feel guilty over that. What happened with you is a learned response that you're probably not even aware of. You deserve to be applauded for leaving someone who drinks and who abuses you, but it's going to take some real, long-term strength to "un-learn" all those habits that you had when you two lived together. One of those habits you have to let go of is letting him run your life for you and telling you what to do.Thankfully, you're out of his life now, and he's out of yours, so you need to stay safe and keep it that way. You don't want to go back to the way it was before, right? If he comes around again, you should shut the door. Don't be charming and friendly first, just shut the door. Don't engage him in discussions. Don't let him in. Shut the door and tell him to go away. Don't offer him a drink. Shut the door. Leave him outside and (you guessed it) shut the door.Is my subtle message getting through?If you let him talk to you, especially so soon after you've left, you risk his taking over again and abusing you, even at your mum's place. You don't want that; you don't deserve that. You deserve peace, contentment and happiness and you can only get that without an abuser in your life.Apologise to your mum for making a mistake, but don't dwell on it, and don't feel guilty. It was your ex who insisted on coming in, wasn't it? It's not your fault that you're used to giving in to him; it's ingrained, but remember: you're learning not to do that now. Assure your mum (and yourself!) that you won't make that mistake again, because if your ex turns up, you'll shut the door. If he won't go away, your local police will politely but firmly escort him back to his home. You have legal options and I encourage you to find out what they are. Check out women's shelters and/or women's counsellin services in your phone book and they'll be able to tell you about free services and assistance for women in your circumstances.Think about what you want in the future, for you and your baby. You want a quiet home and a safe place for you and your child, don't you? That's what you need to focus on when you're shutting the abuser outside your door.
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