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age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Hello everyone, I could really use a bit of advice.I dated my first love almost two years, last year he broke it off out of the blue. For about a year we went back and forth, he couldn't seem to make up his mind as to what he wanted. To say I was hurt is an understatement. I went through severe depression and five months of therapy to try and get through it all. February of 2009 we finally cut contact. He tried to contact me after that but it was too painful to hear his voice so his call went unanswered. In September I asked him to meet me to talk. For two hours he just sat there, happy to see me he couldn't stop smiling. But after all that time, he still couldn't give me one reason as to why he left. I don't think he even knows himself. Since then he hasn't dated anyone else. I've been approached by 4 guys but have turned them all down.This is where Im conflicted. In November my childhood friend and I reconnected. We grew up together, would lose touch over the years and sporadically pick up where we left off. After about a month of talking, as friends, he decides to tell me he has been in love with me since we were kids. He knows my whole life story, everything with my ex and he still wants to try. I used to have feelings for him a couple years back but he had a gf so i pushed them aside. Another issue is he is currently in Egypt finishing up medical school. He has two more years. He said he doesn't want an answer til then because a lot can happen in two years. Despite that, I still felt some pressure to respond and said I would give him a chance. But now things are moving way too fast. He is so affectionate when we talk. He is everything I ever wanted in a man. We have the same goals, interests, humor. He has such a good heart its unbelievable and at times when we video chat I think he's cute. But part of me is still holding on to my ex. I feel like part of me loves my new bf, but it will never be the same extreme passion i felt for my ex. Will i get over this? Is love that grows over time better than the love I had for my ex from the start? I don't know what to do. I feel smothered by his affection, and sometimes I feel Im responding in like because I want to make myself believe it is all true. Am i a horrible person? I dont want to hurt him, but I feel so lost.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your responses. It has helped me a lot. I had a talk with my new bf about how I've been feeling. He was very understanding and has made an effort to ease any fears I have. As for my ex, my best friend ran into him on new years. Said he was happy, doing well. I cried for a long time after hearing that. Im not selfish, I want him to be happy more than anything, but just hearing that he is doing fine without me cut deep. Almost as if i left no impact on his life or his heart. It was the first time I've ever felt so truly insignificant.
Anyway, i just wanted to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your responses. It helps to just talk about it with someone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2009): ugh, i'm trying to get over my ex too, i went thorugh a rough couple of months. finally i decided the only way to move on was to cut off contact completely. it is hard but it will pay off in the end, just be strong.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2009): First off you need to get away from your ex for good. You're not his own personal yo-yo, but you have been letting him treat you that way for a long while. You need time and space away from him to heal.
I think the new guy sounds great, but you obviously aren't ready. Take advantage of the time you have until he returns from school. Be on your own, focus on yourself, recover from the heartache and depression, get a new lease on life. It's okay to still talk to him, of course, but take a few steps back and don't put so much pressure on yourself. I think if you just give it some time, you will know what to do about him.
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female
reader, lovelife1437  +, writes (29 December 2009):
You're still holding onto the ex because he broke up with you and now it becomes a challenge for you to see if you can still win his heart. Think of the 4 guys you've turned down, you feel nothing for them because you turned them down, but they might still be wondering why you said no, just like how you are with your ex but to a less extreme since you haven't dated any of them. If you truly feel for your ex, then let him know that you're going to move on if he doesn't want to give your relationship another chance. If the ex still is passive about the situation then you should move on. If you decide to get involved with your childhood friend, then don't let the ex get in the way because he might want you because you're actually moving on. It could work both way, especially if you want to see if your ex would budge. Just tell your ex that you are planning to give your childhood friend a chance. Don't say yes to your childhood friend until you've talked to your ex and that you're ready to move on. However, it doesn't seem like your heart is settling so don't rush into a serious relationship with either one of them and just date/open relationship and slowly see where things are going. Since the childhood friend has school for the next 2 years, then just enjoy your life and date because in 2 years, things will change. What about the 4 guys, if you turned them down because of your ex, then it's not fair to you or to them. It's healthy to date and go on dates because when you settle into a marriage, you don't want to wonder if there was better. Good Luck! :-)
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female
reader, sstochl +, writes (29 December 2009):
You know, I'm sort of going through a similar situation. Its tough moving or trying to move on from the one you love or loved. Even if you had tried many times to make things worse. My belief when you truely love someone, you always will some shape or form. You and your ex had a bond that was on a high level. You two loved each other. Of course there's always going to be feelings for him. You just have to either decide if its worth continueing to pursue and possibly going through all that pain or push them aside. I am a strong believer that if its ment to be it will be. Regardless of whom you've dated. Its tough, believe me I know. Sometimes you have to take a risk. Tell your Egypt man to slow down. That you do have feelings for him but you want to take things slow. Relationships after a hard break up are going to be more complicated then anything. I wish you the best.
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