A
male
age
51-59,
*arkside Crisis
writes:i am happily married for 12 years now and i used to work abroad for almost 7 years now, sometimes i've questioned my wife's priority with regards to giving attentions only on my mind(our kids, her friends over me) ... so im thinking maybe it's just me because i gave so much love, showed so much love and i can give-up everything for her ... so maybe you can help me how to hold back my feelings toward her so that my expectations to her to answer back the love that i gave her maybe subside a bit?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2010): if i am wong in my assumption, then i am happy to be corrected.
But from your post it seems that you feel you dont get the attention you want from your wife. You feel others get more attention.
It makes you feel that you love your wife more than your wife loves you.
Your wife got used to living without your presence while you were away working.
Thus your wife went without sexual relations with you for long periods.
You missed her.
You question if she felt the same because she no longer treats you the way you want to be treated.
So now you need to start wooing your wife all over again.
Both of you are older, wiser, and have grown over 12 years.
And sadly you have grown a little apart and she has perhaps unconsciously started taking you for granted.
You can change, in a positive way, how
you relate to her.
Start slowly and be subtle. You do not want to over whelm her.
Make sure your compliments are just for her ears. Say them quietly and sincerely to her, without an audience, then she will know it is just for her ears.
Notice something positive and special about.
Maybe her hair, if it looks nice.
Or thank her for a meal you especially like.
Ask her if there is anything she would like you to do or fix, if you can, around the home?
Make opportunities to ask her about her day. Listen to her intently. Watch her body language. Don't interrupt her. When she has finished remember to comment on something you thought was positive about what she said, so that she is aware that you are listening carefully to her. That's a mark of respect you are demonstrating you have for her
No comments and no compliments that are sexual at this point. Retreat from that while you woo her with milder actions and milder remarks.
Write out a letter (details further below) that has no blame, no recriminations. No judgemental remarks. Nothing about your hurt.
First you have to rebuild and rejuvenate the good in the relationship. So that your wife starts to choose to want to put you first. And returns your love the way she used to.
Thus the letter you write to your wife should include:
comments telling her why you loved her from the start. The things you noticed that made you love her more and more. Then how much you missed her during your absences. And how you are so thankful you are back with her. And how you love her more than the day you first knew you loved her, and why. Give examples of all the things she does that delight you.
Try to do all that in 2 pages only. 3 maximum if you can't keep it to 2 pages.
Give her the letter in a sealed envelope when you are alone together, and ask her to please read it.
Can the children be looked after by an older relative while you take her for a drive to a beautiful landmark or place to look at the view?
And then maybe take her for an icecream or something simple.
Once in a while get her a bunch of fresh flowers in her favourite color.
Keep up the subtle compliments.
Let her know you appreciate her for particular skills she has that are admirable and make her unique- name the skill and what you think makes it worthy of praise. Give an example that demonstrates what you are saying.
When her birthday is approaching ask her for ideas on things to suggest as a present that would especially delight her
When the time is right, after all the above, and when the family have gone to bed, and you are alone give her an occasional (what i call non sexual kisses that put no pressure on her) such as a kiss on her hand or a kiss on her forehead
If you are together (maybe watching tv together) sit next to her so you can hold and gently stroke her hand.
Talk to her about redecorating your shared bedroom. Make sure your bedroom is a quiet clutter free calm sanctury.
New paint on the wall, maybe one wall with feature wallpaper. A new bed and mattress could rejuvenate your wife's thinking. No more clutter. All fresh and new.
And let your wife see what a high priority you put on your shared relationship.
Once the room is finished you will have a great opportunity to hug your wife and suggest in a whisper that in the evening you could celebrate the new room as only a married couple can!
And make sure your loving does not put your pleasure first. You should pleasure your wife first. Though she should also be eager to pleasure you. Only time will heal your relationship with your wife.
Continue complimenting your wife and showing her that she is your number one priority.
Now this last step, below, has to wait. If you do this, below, first, it will backfire and be the wrong move.
This last move is when you have already tried everything. I hope it does not come to this.
If all that does not work then you may finally need to tell her how hurt you feel when she takes you for granted and does not put you first. You have already told her and shown her how much you love her, but feel she does not return your love. And give her examples. And then ask her, 'what do you want from me'
This will shock her, and may make her realise how hurt you are
Then things may improve, or may not improve, or may get worse. I hope things improve for you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2010): AuntyBimBim,has summed up the situation perfectly. This happens a lot with the military too, as the wife has to become a different person to survive, and yes, shut down emotions, which is hard for a woman, as most are naturally more emotional by nature/biologically.
Seven years is a long time apart, even the military don't have such long periods of separation from their families, as they're aware of what this can do. But all you can do is be very patient and TALK, as you will both to a certain degree moved on and become self-sufficient.
As I say, talk to her and see how she feels about the situation. And IF you didn't really need to work abroad for 7 years, I mean you could have worked closer, but for less money, but been with your family, there may be some anger and resentment. You of course will know if it was VITAL that you worked abroad or not for that time.
I wish you luck in resolving this with your wife.
Jilly
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (27 November 2010):
 Married for 12 years, away for seven years ... for seven years of her marriage this woman was on her own, she raised the children as a single parent, any of the little day to day crisis that normally happen to families she dealt with on her own. Being on her own for seven years this woman would have had to shut down her emotions, her husband was not there to share the everyday happenings of married and family life. Now you come home, Hail the conquering hero, and you expect her to change her world around and make you the new centre of the universe.
Sorry, but it doesnt happen like that. You are going to have to go very slowly to let her become accustomed to not being the only one available to make the day to day decisions, she might not want to relinquish that role, she may have come to a point where she knows exactly what needs to be done and you are throwing a spanner in the works.
You need to sit down with your wife and ask HER what she needs and expects from you.
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