A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together a year.We have lived together since we'd been together 2 months. We currently live with his parents, but are pretty self sufficient and it is more like a house share situation, his parents are very laid back and are more like friends to us.We are in the situation that we want to move out, and are able to buy a place.Both our families and friends are supportive of this, and don't think it would be a wrong move for us.We have both lived with long term partners, both relationships ended due to having gotten together at a young age (17/18) and just drifting apart as we got older, however we have both had other relationships/done the "single going out" phase as well.But there are a handful of people who have said to me they think this would ruin us. They say that moving in together after you've been together after just over a year is too soon, and we shouldn't look at getting a mortgage.When I question them on this logic, they say the sparkle wears off after 18 months (we are both aware the honeymoon period doesn't last forever). But they don't give much more reason, hence why I am asking your opinion.These people who are doubtful, when I look at their reklationships. they seem to be the kind of people who just took the first person who came along, because they wanted marriage, or kids. Or they are the very cautious types, who wouldn't consider living with their other half until they'd been together at least 3 years (and that would be renting, for a couple of years, before they bought somewhere together).The way I see it, I've had past relationship experience. I have been fussy, which is why I was still single at the age of 26, when I met my boyfriend. I didn't want to "settle" for just anyone.I am deeply in love with my boyfriend, and I know he is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with him. As he feels the same way also.Why do some people feel there is a "rule book" to follow when it comes to planning life? Doesn't anyone just know it feels right anymore?
View related questions:
period, spark Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2010): People think it's too soon because your relationship is moving very fast. Very often in relationships like that they burn out quickly too.
You moved in together after two months, that was very soon too. I bet a lot of your relationship has been like a whirlwind, and your feet haven't even touched the ground yet. Your still in the middle of the intensity and passion of the early stages of your relationship and when that goes you just don't know what will be left, especially as everything is moving so fast. I mean you want to spend the rest of your life with this guy after only a year.
If I were I'd test the waters first, you wouldn't buy a car without test driving it would you? So why not test drive living together for a year or two first?
"Why do some people feel there is a "rule book" to follow when it comes to planning life?" It's not about rules, this isn't a cool rebellious thing. It's about common sense and logic. At the moment you're living a dream based on passion and love. You're working on the assumption that this couldn't possibly change when you live alone together, you're working on the assumption that you'll always feel this intensely passionate about each other.
Every single reason you have given has been based emotion and not logic. You're talking about making a life long financial commitment without actually giving any practical consideration to trying it out first. If things were to go wrong then you'd both have a heavy financial attachment to each other. What's more is that creating such an attachment and living together like that could smother your relationship.
"Doesn't anyone just know it feels right anymore?" Exactly what I mean, you're basing your decision on feelings. Not sense. Your friends know you, they know your relationship and if they tell you it's a bad idea it's not because it's some kind of rule, or they're trying to keep you apart or something, it's because they're on the outside looking in. Without any emotional attachment except what's best for their friend. They tell you over and over again that you're moving too fast, but you refuse to believe them because your love is "different" it's more special than anyone else's so everyone must be wrong.
Get a place together for while. Go live together by all means, you can still buy a house in the future and you can take your time finding the perfect place all the while actually getting used to living with each other and enjoying being alone together.
The thing is, judging from your question and the "us against the world" attitude you have I think you're going to go ahead with it anyway. I think it would be a mistake without trying it out first, especially seeing as if you really are going to be together the rest of your lives then what's the hurry? What are the reasons you're so in a rush to buy a house together?
A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (27 November 2010):
 You will always encounter other people who are doubters of your relationship. You will also get people coming into your life who have a touch of the 'green eyed monster'. By that I mean you are in a steady relationship and have the finances to buy a home - it puts you in a better position than most 20-somethings. Romance can die and while you are all happy with the relationship right now it would be wise to think long-term. When I married my husband I made him sign a pre-nup in view of our different financial positions. I think if you are going to buy a house together then it could be an excellent joint investment for the future. However, make sure the solicitor representing you in the sale sets up the house deeds as 'tenants in common'. As you are not married to your partner, it means that you will own a share in the property and can have more control over what happens to that share. You might decide to give your share to a relative or future child in the event of your death (morbid to think about but necessary when making such a large purchase). If you both put in unequal deposits at the start then it could be arranged for that to be reflected in what you get back in the event of the house being sold. It may seem petty now but if you do split up and you put in most of the deposit, then it is only fair that you get more of the profits upon sale? My advice is that if you get along living together at his parents house then you will probably do ok setting up home. At least by getting a home together you are both making an investment for the future. However, you should not get carried away - estate agents are evil Satan's who will sniff your loved up nest making glow from a mile away. They will stalk you by phone as they are desperate for buyers right now. Buying and selling property is a tough business in the UK and don't let emotions get in the way. Be very sure you are both madly in love with a property before you agree to buy, check out the neighbours and the local community and get a full survey done if the house is old. Many people are in a distressed financial state at the moment so you can pick up some bargains if you look carefully. Find out why a person is selling through gentle chat with the estate agent - if it is because of relationship breakdown, moving for a job etc then they are more likely to be flexible on the price. At your age I bought my first flat (a wreck) in London and I made more money from doing it up and selling it on than I would in 10 years of a professional job. I haven't looked back on the buying/ selling game ever since - there are few low-risk financial investments that bring in the returns you can make on a house or flat. You have just got to be careful and don't overspend. Remember stamp duty if you are buying a house over the threshold, legal expenses and furnishings in your financial decision. Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (27 November 2010):
 They may be worrying about you from a purely practical point of view.
Once you get a mortgage, that is a serious commitment, and one that can often be difficult to pay off.
IF you split (and no one is saying you will! - just a precaution) then you have to decide what happens to the house. Can one partner stay and afford to pay the mortgage by themselves, does one partner want to keep the house, and the other buy them out? Do BOTH partners want to stay in the house? What if neither wants to stay in it, and neither can afford the mortgage alone...... What if the house needs to be sold? What if it takes a long time to sell and you lose a lot of money in order to get out?
Buying is not like renting. You cannot just walk away from it like you can with a rent. You will own HALF of the property.
This is probably why people are saying it is too soon. Wait a little bit longer until the honeymoon period really has worn off, because once you have brought, signed, and sealed a house deed with BOTH your names on, it could be very difficult to get out of.
Living with parents is not the same as having your own place - maybe rent for 6 months on your own before you take the big step of buying....
Good luck!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2010): What a super question!
And how very sensible and grounded you sound. I'm sorry you are still experiencing some 'doubt' from a handful of cautious, caring people I'm sure.
Yes, it's true the honeymoon period usually lasts about eighteen months, and often after that, if a couple continue to live together or date as the case may be, it allows them time to see their prospective husband/wife in a more true light.
We all (as I'm sure you know)want to appear at our best in the beginning, which is so natural, but after say two years the real person really is surfacing, warts and all. This is a good time after some differences, disagreements have been experienced to SEE if you still you feel the same about that person, if you still love them in the same way, even with the differences or little habits that don't quite fit with you. If a couple at this point still want to marry, then this is about the only precautionary route you can take, nothing in life carries guarantees. And from what you say and explain, I would think this is where those doubting friends are coming from.
But you seem to me a girl who knows her own mind, is selective, always a good sign for a woman, and what I liked best, you say " I am deeply in love with my boyfriend, and I know he is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with him. As he feels the same way also." WONDERFUL!!
I think the above statement from you, is ALL anyone could possibly desire, to feel, to move forward, and again YES, sometimes it just feels right, and you have to act on your feelings, not on what others say.
Lastly, probably a lot of those people who do doubt, are possibly the older generation, where yes, as you say, got married because it was the thing to do, they were expected to marry if female, to remaining with someone, who they do not really love, out of tradition and conventional thinking, suspecting you might make the same mistake.
I say to GOOD LUCK and I hope you and your boyfriend find the home you want, and you have lots happy times ahead!
Just brush the remarks off ;-)
Jilly
...............................
|
