A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am currently depressed and honestly, I deserve it. I created an incredible mess. I was 18 when I met 33yr old "Jack" and though I didn't mean for it to happen, he became my first lover but he wanted to commitment. I was hurt but stuck by because I knew he did care for me. It felt like a stab though every time he referred to me as a friend. Then two years later, we had a pregnancy scare and he freaked out, accused me of tricking him and asked if it was his. He apologized later but the damage was done. Within that time, I met "Tom" and though I barely liked him at times, we became friends and then lovers. I found out later from him that he had married a woman for papers and had three kids with her plus another from a previous relationship. I hated myself, I ended things but got caught up with him again after meeting his kids and bonding with them. He is Seperated now. Tom is convinced we are soul mates and everyday, he calls me 5-10 times. He stops by my family home, connects with my family and adores my baby sister (8) who adores him right back. Though he tells me that it's not my fault that his marriage is over, I have guilty feelings all over. I doubt him and I can never give in to being intimate with him because I feel dirty and sick. He says he understands but then, tries to have sex with me. I love him but I hate him. During our first trial, I became pregnant but had an abortion. Every day I think of that baby. Every day I want to pull out my hair and scream because I killed the one thing I loved without reservations or fear. It may sound weird, but I LOVED it. I stayed up at nights, hand on my stomach singing to it and crying. I couldn't stop sobbing and trembling and had to be put on standby twice because of it. When it was over, I felt dead. Now Jack came back into my life, declaring that he loved me and made a mistake. I was honest with him about Tom. I asked him, "What changed?" And he said he had been scared, I was from a different race and it was hard to handle. But he was ready now. He wanted me to meet his family etc. I cried and he thought it was because I was happy. He asked if I loved him, I said I did but my heart felt nothing. Tom is hurt. He clung to me like a little boy and begged me not to leave him and hurt. Both men said they trust me with their feelings-but I have none now. I want to be alone. I want none of their offers. I want no marriages, no promises of children, no affections and most of all, no sex. If they could give me back my baby, I wouldn't hesitate. It was my choice but how I hate them both at times. How can they claim to love me and not see that I am in SO MUCH PAIN?? Still, a part of me wants to do right and not hurt them. I know I don't want either one or anyone. How do I let them know without being cruel? I fear I will be ugly with my words and despite everything, they are honestly not bad or evil men.
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abortion, depressed, older men, soul mates, soulmate Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (18 December 2013):
 I hit 'Enter' prematurely.
You must be very direct, very clear and totally unapologetic. It may seem cruel to you, but that's only because you're not used to doing it. In fact it's the kindest thing you can for all of you.
No more pretending you feel something you don't. You don't owe it to them and they can handle the truth better than they let on.
A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (18 December 2013):
You know, these men are not nearly as wounded or vulnerable as you seem to think they are. Both of them have shown a single minded determination to get what they want, and often times at someone else's expense.
Jack was quite happy to enjoy all the trappings of a relationship while offering you nothing more than 'friendship'.
Tom indulged himself with you despite having a wife and three children. Like Jack, he was quite happy to take whatever you offered while offering you nothing in return. You finally tell him you can no longer bear to be intimate with him. He says he understands then tries to have sex with you.
These men are not hurt. What they are is minus a few options they had before. Now that you're the only one left, they're both clinging to you. Not for you, but for themselves.
OP, they are not wounded. They're just feeling sorry for themselves and they're counting on your compassion to weaken your resolve. Even if they were hurt, where is it written that their pain is more important than yours?
When you were alone and hurt, neither one of them was prepared to sacrifice what they wanted for your sake. Right? So don't feel guilty for not sacrificing your happiness for them.
If you want to be happy then you must jettison the baggage and do what makes you happy. Jack and Tom are weighing you down so cut them loose. Don't worry about where they land. They have always put themselves first.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2013): Neither of them are good for you. Change your bloody number, this tom guy is harrasing you with the amount of calls he makes to you and he should NOT be let into oyur family's home. Be single for a while and next time make sure you go for a bloke YOUR age.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (17 December 2013):
 No matter what you do they will be "hurt" in that every "older" man's fantasy is to be with a younger women and to be rejected from that will hurt. but the more important factor here is you. They'll get over it. Yeah you messed up. learn a lesson and move on! Get a grip. date some guys your own age and b happy. You are only young once so don't screw it up by being depressed and sad. Get up and get out!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2013): Thank you for not judging me, it means a lot. I'm very nervous about seeing a Counselor, I've never been good with sharing things. But I feel like I need to because I think I am becoming ill. I keep dreaming of a little girl and I feel so happy at first-but she disappears in every way imaginable. I told my mom yesterday I was ready to leave Jack but she's worried he'll retaliate somehow cause he's so intense. But I don't care. Thank you all so much. You can't begin to understand what your words meant to me. I was so scared I was going to be called names and judged.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2013): You need to be straight forward and ask them both to leave you alone. Make sure they fully understand that you want to move on with your life, and you do not feel anything for them. The go no contact.
They care for you, as long as the sex is available. When you got pregnant, you had to face all your decisions alone. They took advantage of you emotionally; because you were so young.
Only way to get the point across is to be blunt with it.
End all contact and block your feed on Facebook, and get on with your life.
I'm sorry about how you feel about the baby. It may be a painful memory for you for a longtime. At the time, you felt there was no other way to deal with it. It was one of those really tough lessons we learn in life.
I hope you find better times ahead. Kick those suckers to the curb!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 December 2013):
 If you want neither of them, have neither of them. Tell them to leave you alone. Tell them to get lost. Don't worry about being cruel !, you can't be mean to yourself in order to be nice to them. " Cruel ", then- it is an exaggeration. They are grown up boys, by now they know " you can't always get what you want ", they'll handle it. They'll get over it. Marryng people or having sex with them- just to not hurt their feelings is definitely way overdoing it in terms of kidness. Plus, Jack did not worry too much about being cruel when he freaked out and accused you of cheating, and Tom does not worry about being cruel when he pressures for sex a heartbroken girl who's still mourning a loss. They care about getting what they want , i.e you.
Start caring about what you want, i.e that they get the hell out of your life, and be assertive in pursuing that.
I know that right now you probably don't feel like being assertive, making choices, etc... it just feels easier going with the flow .But, if you are not going to defend yourself and put your mental health and healing first, who's gonna do it for you ? Nobody. Therefore, there's no choice. YOU have to make sure that your wish for space and solitude is respected.
And, of course, seek counseling. The abortion issue is still looming large in your mind, you have not come to terms with that loss and you still regret it. A counselor has no magic wand to cancel your sadness, but can teach you the tools to deal with it in a lucid, non self-destructove way.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 December 2013):
 First of all TELL them both the BACK off and leave you alone. Second of all find a grief counselor. Having an aborting you didn't really want needs to be dealt with and it's hard to do that by yourself.
You NEED to stop beating yourself up. If you look at the mess you are currently in, a baby would not really fit in well in all that. So while you feel loss and guilt, you also need to accept that at the time, it might have been the right decision. It is a decision you CAN NOT change. So you will HAVE to find a way to come to peace with it. IT DOESN'T make you a bad person to have had an abortion. It doesn't mean you are less worth or should accept crappy offers from men who aren't really sure what they want.
Get some grief counseling and step away from dating for a while, at least til you can let go of the grief and then, DO NOT date either. WHEN you are going to date in the future, go with someone with a LOT less baggage.
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