A
female
age
41-50,
*hathaveidone??
writes:I am so confused and really don't know what to do. I fell in love with a married man and started having an affair which ended after just 2 months because we couldn't see a future (as we are both married). We both told our partners and agreed that we would try and make our marriages work for the sake of his children. It's been impossible to forget him and we have occasional contact. He has now told me that his wife can't handle the fact he's in love with someone else and has asked him to leave. I've wrecked one home and really can't decide if I should leave my husband and try and make a go of it. I don't love my husband but he's been so supportive and really wants to try and make things work. Can't believe I've caused such a mess and just don't know what to do for the best.
View related questions:
affair, fell in love, married man Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Ormondiz  +, writes (2 June 2009):
Quite simply, it is a matter of needs. Yes we all have them - and they go far beyond physical.Obviously there are needs in your current relationship which are not being met.Step 1 - identify YOUR needs - both physical and emotionalStep 2 - express YOUR needs to your husband - discover WITH him how they can be metStep 3 - have the courage to do step 2 with TOTAL honestyStep 4 - make Step 2 an inherent part of ANY relationship - CURRENT OR FUTUREStep 5 - To be done in conjuction with STEP 2 - GET INTERESTED - interested in what HIS NEEDS are.. to be in this current quandary, indicates that you dont know how he has changed, as have you, whislt you are together - FROM HIS OBSERVATIONS AND HIS NEEDS AS WELL AS YOURS !!!!!!!!!!!!!Step 6 - If you can MEET each others needs (once you have the courage to ide=ntify them in thier purist form (ie without emotion, point scoring etc.... just what you both really need from eachother)... You MAY find that all you really need to make this relationship work is COMMICATION AND TOTAL HONESTY .. ie sex of convenience becomes the NORM when kids are involved - STUFF THE EXTRA HOUSE PAYMENT - tell him to go and buy the sexy little number, leave the kids with the baby sitter and MAKE THE OPPORTUNITY to FALL IN LOVE/LUST AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!DO you think Richard Brason waited for opportinities - NO! He made them - YOU have to do the sameSTEP 7 - If, after all of this, you and your partner realise that you now have needs which are different and cannot be met by eachother............... LEAVE EACH OTHER (note: not leave HIM... you need to amically realise that YOUR INDIVIDUAL needs are not being met). STEP 8 - Teach your children how to have a loving, TOTALLY HONEST and caring relationship through the example you set - whether together or apart - THAT IS THE GREATEST GIFT YOU CAN GIVE THEM..................STEP 8 - I have just saved you and everyone you pass these steps on to a lot of mistakes and a lot of $$$ in councelling.... I ask one boon of you - the next time you meet a stranger in need, no matter how small, give them a hand...
A
female
reader, aunty chrissie  +, writes (9 June 2008):
 ask yourself who you really love, and would it work and do you want it to work with either. the thing is however supportive your hubby is and remember hes the innocent one here, he probably will throw it back in your face from time to time when you maybe have an arguement. and remember the man you fell in love with well he has done it across his wife and in the future may do it again. i personally dont think you should stay with someone out of kindness it wont work really and we only live once. write down the good and bad about your marriage and weigh them up.good luck. aunty chrissie.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2008): If you admittedly don't love your husband anymore, you should stop wasting his time and yours and divorce him so both of you can move on with your lives.
As for trying to continue your relationship with the married man you mention...do so as long as you're prepared to be left for someone else the way he cheated on his first wife with you. And recognize that when (not if) that day comes, you will have no right to complain about it, since you knew exactly what you were getting into (i.e., a man who won't honor his marital commitment to a woman even when children are involved.)
Good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2008): I disagree with wildman. My advice is to see a relationship counselor.
If you and your affair man lack the skills to make your current marriages work, it seems likely that you won't be able to make a future relationship work either. When the passion fades, as it inevitably will, and the going gets tough, are you going to bail out again?
Don't mean to be harsh, but most everybody in a marriage will go through this "I don't love my spouse even though he's so good to me" spells, when another person outside the marriage seems so shiny and attractive. Some have the strength and maturity to realize that these are phases... one falls in and out of love many times over the years, often with one's own spouse.
Figure out what is missing in your own marriage (excitement? conversation?) that this other guy supplies. With your husband, brainstorm ways to find these things in your own relationship. You and he will be so much happier that way.
But if you just can't work it out after trying, make a clean split with your husband. He doesn't deserve to be cheated on... you can't cling to him and have a lover both. Let him be free to find someone who loves him enough to be true to him.
Good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, wildman +, writes (9 June 2008):
 I think you should leave for the man you have fallen in love with and soon before things get any worse for him. You don't really love your present husband which will probably not change.
I have one of those no sex or very little relationships now and it is no fun. You should take advantage of this opportunity if it still exists, just my opinion.
...............................
|
