A
female
age
36-40,
*offeelover4
writes:So I am in an interesting situation. For the last 4 years I have been romatically involved with a man. We have absolutely amazing sex and we click so perfectly that people constantly wonder if we are married. Ok so now the catch, He has been in a relationship for the last 10 years and recently got married after an almost 5 year engagement.Ok so there is a bit more you should know. She (his now wife) has given him permission from day one what he can go outside the realationship if there was something that he wasnt getting with her (mainly sexually). Now that has led to a best friend and love that she doesnt know about (she knows that we are best friends, i was in their wedding). Everyday, he tells me how much me loves me, how there are so many things that we would rather do with me than her how he just lays in bed thinking about me. I see him a few times a week and our friendship and our relationship are just getting stronger.Ok so after all of that, I guess my question is wondering what other people think. Just getting an outsiders perspective.
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female
reader, pashanoodle  +, writes (14 October 2008):
 I think the other aunts and uncles have made some valid points - and I agree with most of it so am not going to repeat it.
I wanted to pose a question or two to you.
Where do YOU see this going? What would you like to see happen with this 'relationship' (I use the term loosely)?
You've given alot of 'reasons' as to why your choice to have an affair was just fine for everyone involved which is kinda contradictory to the other tone of the post in which you indicate that wifey at home might not be so cool with all this sex on the side.
This reads to me like the 'classic affair' story (have you checked out some other questions tagged as cheating on here?)...you entered into this for your own selfish reasons, the guy did too...the wife had no idea but everyone was quick to say/believe she asked for it (she doesn't satisfy his needs right?), then you got some more emotional attachment happening and 'fell in love'...he probably didn't, but told you how he felt the same to keep things settled with BOTH of you, then went ahead and married his fiance anyway (???)...and now he's getting ALL his needs met and you're getting a bit of an oxytocin surge when he has sex with you - but that's about it! You are trying to believe that what he tells you means you're 'the most important' person to him...but it's not really enough anymore. You don;t like to think about what his wife might view her marriage as (chances are she thinks it;s all fine - poor woman), that he might be playing you and having his cake and eating it too and you certainly don;t like to view yourself as unethical and backstabbing (as one poster put it)...but a little voice in your head kinda nags at you that what you're doing really isn't quite right. Unfortunately for you the "end" of this story isn't very often happy for the other woman....
just don't do what so many of you OW seem to do and get pregnant as some last ditch to get him to be with you...it doesn;t work either!
Have a good think about this situation...where can it go? Really? Time to 'get real' honey...you'll be sad at first but you won't regret it in the long run.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2008): YOU my dear,are blinded.By either love or lust,but probably both.Do you know why he thinks about you all night when he lays beside his wife? Because you arent there,and it is human nature to want that which you cannot have.Just the fact that you and him cant be together makes the thought of it seem more glamorous.
If by some crazy chance he ever were to leave her and be with you,there would come a time in your relationship where he would get bored and start looking for the next adventure.Men who do this have a problem and will continue doing it,no matter who they are with.The exitement drives them to keep going with the affair..you give him the compliments,the sex,the love and companionship and make him feel good....but the comfort and security of their life at home makes them stay where they are.Rarely do they ever leave,and if they do it will be long after your affair has run out of steam.
And why should he leave?He has permission to do as he pleases with other women.So in his mind,hes living like a king.If your ok with just being a side dish for the rest of your life,then go for it.But i think you better put a lot of thought into this,its not healthy for you or for anybody else involved
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2008): If he LOVED you he would never have gotten married in the first place. Its as simple as thas!
Also some friend you are. Backstabbing nasty piece of work comes to mind. Did you not even feel slightly ashamed at the wedding. And if she is ok with extra marital sex how come the fact that he spends a lot of time in betweeen your legs has not come to her attention. Your the bit on the side.
Have fun being second best. He married her not you, your just a bit of fun, she will be the mother of his childern.
Cheers.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2008): Dear Poster
You are not going to like what I am telling you; but you are asking for opinions so vow, I have to be honest with you; I am not judging you but I am trying to help you to get a perspective of the situation you are in.
Like it or not, this guy is USING you; there is no love for you; if he loved you or cared for you; in fact if he had any feelings for you; he would have broken up with his now wife before he got married to her and he would be with you; Oh, my dear no matter how harsh these words might be, please believe me this is the REALITY; he chose to get married to her; soon she will be pregnant and he will have more commitments etc.
I ask you nicely; WAKE UP; he has USED you in fact emotionally and sexually ABUSED you; STOP; STOP; STOP]
DON'T allow this anymore; stop seeing this guy; yes, I know it will hurt, but my dear it will only get worse in the future. You are holding on to a "dream" a false "illusion"; this guy will never be yours; he has no good intentions with you; if he did have, vow, he would not have got married to this girl;
No matter how difficult this might be; PLEASE take stock; look at REALITY, and MOVE ON; he is wasting your life away; you are allowing it; vow, you DESERVE better; why do you want to be the second best; why do you want to be the secret lover; why are you not the WIFE?
NO, PLEASE; listen to me; take stock; what is this relationship offering you?
What future is there for you?
Please cut ties and contact with this guy; move on; yes it will hurt, but you will be able to find somebody who will love you and respect you and marry you and be with you; somebody that you can share your life with, have children with and hopefully grow old with.
THis guy made his choice; now you have to respect his marriage and find your happiness. Do not settle for the leftovers or the crumbs that is available.
You deserve to be the number one in your mans life; get out there and find your MR RIght; the man that will LOVE and RESPECT you enough to MARRY you.
I am not trying to be harsh on you; in fact, my heart is bleeding for you; I know it will be difficult but for once; think of yourself and your future.
Lift up your chin and stop allowing this guy to control you; take the power and control of your life back into your hands and do what is best for your FUTURE.He should not be part of it; go find somebody who will not use you like he did until now; stop listening to his stories and stop contact with him.
Save yourself a lot of hurt and further heartache and possible trouble; cut all ties.
You are welcome to contact me if you need more help or assistance; I know it will be difficult.
Best wishes and keep SMILING.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (13 October 2008):
 Sorry I can't buy it, that she would talk to you about how many times in a month she and her husband have had sex is just bunk. Hogwash. And besides if you are so close to her how can you be doing this behind her back?
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A
female
reader, coffeelover4 +, writes (13 October 2008):
coffeelover4 is verified as being by the original poster of the question actually she has told me too...she doesnt know that him and i do...but she has talk to me about it because she knows that him and i are close
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (13 October 2008):
And of course the only way you know this is because HE TOLD YOU. Sheesh I've got a great deal for you on the Brooklyn Bridge, you interested?
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A
female
reader, coffeelover4 +, writes (13 October 2008):
coffeelover4 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionand that is a very good point that you bring up, the whole has sex with her then me...but I also know that that have been married 2 months and he has had sex with her 3 times and me atleast 30....just another twist i know...but I just want to make sure that I give the info as well
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (13 October 2008):
Well he certainly is sitting in the catbird seat now isn't he?! I'm sure after he's finished having sex with his wife, he thinks about when is the next time he can snag some off you. Of course it works the other way as well. Wham Bam thank you mamm, now it's off to sexy wife at home. As long as you are okay about being used, as long as you won't look back on this wasted time and kick yourself, as long as you have no guilt about possibly destroying the poor wife, then I guess you just keep on cheating with your "friend". Persoanlly I'm too good to play second fiddle to anybody. Your choice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2008): Are you sure that his wife knows about this...yes she may know that you all are best friends...but it seems as if she doesn't know that you all are having sex...like did she give you permission right infront of her....or did he just tell you that...you weren't specific in that matter...anywho I suggest that you leave him alone because if he was really in love with you...then he would've left his wife for you along time ago...your feelings are involved now so it is going to be hard to let go...but my advice is to leave this guy alone and find a love of your own...who will appreciate you for you...and be with you..not just have you on the side..
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