A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi aunts, Some advice would be great!Around 8 months ago I walked away from my 4 year relationship after not being happy for a long time. It was the right decision for myself and the relationship I feel.Around 5 months ago I met another guy, I wasn't looking for a guy, but I guess this just happened. Travelling with the girls I met this guy who was playing football in the town we were in. He came over and started chatting to me, and it turns out we both are from Wales, the same area and live around 10 minutes from each other. I guess I'm a believer that in life people's paths cross for a reason, and this just seemed a bit life fate. He gave me the whole your gorgeous speech and we swapped numbers. I didn't look to deeply into this and played it cool, 2 months later he was still texting me as a friend, without forcing me into anything which I appreciated. Eventually we met up and he told me that he wanted a more than just a friend with myself.Anyway, things have slowly progressed into more than just a friendship, however he has never had a serious relationship beforeNot that this is a relationship, but we are 'seeing' each other at present. On asking how many girls he had slept with if he's never had a relationship he shocked me, with the answer 28. He said that he's never wanted a relationship before but when he saw me he new straight away he wanted more than this. (Whether that's true il let you guys make your own judgement). He's stuck to his word, he hasn't pressured me into anything and has worked his ass off to gain my trust. When I didn't want more he stuck by me as a friend and has been very sweet throughout. Anyway we ended up having sex a few days ago, (after both getting tested) and it was alll very one night stand like. The way he took his own clothes off, there wasn't much foreplay, sex was very rushed and then he put his clothes back on straight away. I guess I'm used to sex in a relationship where it's more loving, longer and you spend more time 'at it'. How do I overcome this? I don't want to hurt his ego, as he is really trying. I just didn't like how after wards I felt like that's all I was there for. Obviously I wasn't, and he doesn't know any different. I guess sex for him has always been with a stranger. How do I change this? Would you mention it or just change it slowly.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2013): Hi, if it was not just a one night stand for him, and the relationship is still on track, I would recommend that the next time you take charge, Some men love it, Just tell him you would like to give a difference experience and want to take things at your pace and want to lead. If he is game, the sex can turn out to be wonderful.
A
male
reader, M Proops +, writes (15 November 2013):
It's probably about the chase and getting his prize for him and time to move on to the next one for him.I don't think his previous partners are keen on a second date.Sounds like you've all been used just for the sex albeit unfulfilling for the woman.Men like that are not interested in the female's pleasure.Roll on number 30.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (14 November 2013):
 Aren't you one half of this sexual encounter? Don't you have a voice? So slow him down. "Oh baby, no no, not so fast, I want to see you a bit, let's not rush this. We have all night and I want to enjoy every square inch of you."
"Wait, before we go there, I would loooooovveeee more of this _________ it makes me feel so amazing, oh my god that's awesome."
"I can see that you are so amazingly ready and that's so hot… I am almost ready so lets keep on working up to the next step… I want to be as hot and ready as you I just need lil more teasing and pleasing isn't this amazing oh you are so ready I want to really enjoy this babe."
If he can't wait and for some reason isn't listening then stop him before he puts his clothes back on. If he's in the same age bracket of 22-25 then he'll need a little time for the refractory period but in the meantime you could give him a few minutes to regroup and then, start to use his body to pleasure yourself, along with your hands if that helps. Press your body against his, swish and tease and work him back up again. Once you have his attention, then show him what works for you.
If you aren't able to express your needs then he'll never figure them out. "Babe, I like it that you are so hot you can't hardly wait. I'd love to be able to be like that but I need more warming up time, more lovely caresses and stroking and skin on skin etc etc [fill in the blanks] so let's take our time, there's no rush."
Or be really brave, "Babe, I am so happy that you got your pleasure, I know you'd want me to have mine, I just need more time and some more lovely foreplay I so enjoy that it makes me so ready so let's slow things down so I can enjoy it too."
If he keeps up with the *clothes off, no foreplay, sex, he's done, clothes back on* then you have to decide if he's worth teaching.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (14 November 2013):
 I would not make a debate out of it, but I would mention it. WITHOUT going into the "you act like this is a one night stand and it clearly shows you've never had a relationship"-speech. Guys have feelings to. Obviously you're someone he's trying to impress, and telling him the sex was crap and made you feel cheap is probably not a good way to start.
Rather, tell him as part of letting him get to know you. Instruct him on how you like it. Sex with a new person is always about learning and trying and failing. I've only ever had ONE guy magically do everything right in bed with me without me ever telling him how to or without there being any awkward moments. And I've had my fair share of sexual partners to back this up.
You're just out of a relationship. You are used to things not "in a relationship", but in the specific relationship you were in. With that specific guy who is now your ex. Not all relationships have sex the same way, with cuddles, or foreplay etc. So, don't assume he is the way he is in bed just because he hasn't had a girlfriend before. I've had passionate one night stands with foreplay and cuddles. I've also had first time sex with a total of 3 virgins, who had never had a relationship before either, and it variated a lot! That one guy who knew all the right moves without me telling him, he was a virgin with ZERO experience. Didn't even know how to kiss, but in bed he was (still is) a natural talent and knows his way around my body like no one else.
An ex boyfriend of mine who didn't have a high sex drive was not that interested in foreplay. A one night stand (actually, one day-time stand) I had included tons of foreplay. It variates!
So, just tell him how you like it. If he gets up to grab his clothes, ask if he can't spend some time with you in bed. Snuggle up to him, kiss him, show him how you like it.
It's like when you teach someone to kiss, you need to show them how it's done. Telling them they're doing it wrong doesn't help, you need to take the lead and show them how it's done. Especially French kissing requires patience. I actually think teaching someone how to kiss you the way you like it is waaaay more difficult than teaching them how you like it in bed. But with each new partners, you need to teach them how to work you...
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (14 November 2013):
Dear OP,
If I was in his shoes, I'd appreciate if you are honest about your discomfort -and suggest how you would prefer it to happen. I mean, how would he know you don't like this? If you're honest, you might hurt his ego for a few minutes, okay.. But from my experience, if you say something like "hey, let me take your clothes off, handsome" or.. "can you take some more time" guys appreciate this much more than if you're just in a bad mood all of a sudden and they don't know what they did.
Also, I often think us women are a little self-righteous towards men (including myself here). We think we have the right to change them and that they are wrong anyways. But relationships are about making compromise. Don't assume his style of having sex is wrong and you are right, just because you've been in a relationship and he hasn't. You both can learn from each other and if you want to make this work, be ready to make compromise for him if he is willing to adapt to your wishes.
Anyway, he seems serious about you. Maybe it is too soon for you to say if you want to be in a relationship with him? So, hang on and see how he reacts to your honesty. And by the way I think it's beautiful you've both taken your time so far and have built a friendship that way.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (14 November 2013):
 first of all, keep in mind that men lie about the number of women they've slept with. i highly doubt it's been 28. maybe 10 to 15.
moving on.
i'm a girl, however, i'm gay and i used to be like this guy when it came to dating. i was really into random hook-ups and casual flings. i didn't do a whole lot of significant dating. then one day i met a girl who knocked my socks off and it changed everything. she just seemed so different and i fell head over heals. so it IS possible this guy is being legit. and if he pursued you for months and didn't pressure you, it seems as though he may be sincere. however, he could just be persistent. still have a little bit of guard up. there's really no telling just yet what his intentions are.
tell him that you wish he would slow it down just a bit in bed. that you enjoy being with him and you're in no rush. and that afterwards, you want to lay and talk for a bit. enjoy each other.
it will just take time. if you two do wind up staying together, he will eventually mold into what you're hoping for. it may just take some getting used to for both of you.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (14 November 2013):
 Change it slowly. Get to know each other, talk about sex and things you like and don't like, no criticism just casual conversation. He doesn't know any better so be a gentle teacher.
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