A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:We've been together 3 yrs, we just got engaged recently and plan to be married soon. We both were married before for 18+ yrs. My ex is only I the picture due to our 4 kids, his ex is in the picture because she can't live without him in her life. She surfaces via text, email or call for most holidays or just to chat. I've asked that he set boundaries with her but she doesn't listen and he doesn't want to be too mean and hurt her feelings - what about mine?! Why do men tend to put the "unimportant" people feelings above those that are supposedly the most important? He says he's with me and wants a life with me but he cant understand my stance that by her contacting him on all the holidays (even valentines day), that she is sticking herself in his brain for that day, leaving the day not for us but for the two of them. It's a mind game and I'm done. Any advice agony aunts? Do I break off the wedding and let them have their friendship and find someone else. He swears he would never get back together with her but I don't want this the rest of my life.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2013): Wonderful news, he told her last night. I let him know that I was very appreciative that he put my feelings first and showed me that our relationship was more important than his relationship where he was being her emotional crutch and enabler. Maybe she can now move on and find another friend. Thanks for your support everyone.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2013): He needs to cut the tie and you need to tell him what his options are. He shouldn't be juggling both or you.. It appears there is unfinished business in his heart with his ex and if so you have no business getting married to him. The choice is his but he better decide pretty soon which woman he wants to be with instead of trying to hang on to both of you. And trying to pass it off like it's innocent.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2013): Thank you all for the straight answers that I need. I stepped back yesterday and didn't bring up the issue. I'll leave it up to him to deal with her and if I don't hear by Saturday evening about what he's done about it, I will ask. Thanks Agony Aunts!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 September 2013):
 I agree with SVC. It's not his ex that is the problem it's you fiance.
Do not set a wedding date til this is resolved.
I agree with CMMP, that he DID SPEND 18 years with her, so even if there are no kids from the marriage doesn't mean they can't still talk. BUT he needs to understand WHY talking to her shouldn't be a priority over you. Personally, I don't really see a reason to keep the contact, specially if it means the "new" partner is made to feel like he/she isn't as important as the ex's feelings.
You have 3 choices:
1. Sit down and talk to him and find a compromise that works for the both of you.
2. Leave him.
3. Suck it up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2013): Thank you all for the straight answers that I need. I stepped back yesterday and didn't bring up the issue. I'll leave it up to him to deal with her and if I don't hear by Saturday evening about what he's done about it, I will ask. Thanks Agony Aunts!
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (18 September 2013):
 I agree with CMMP in that if I ever marry one day and we split, I would fully intend to keep them in my life as a friend because they had shared a lot with me. Doesn't mean I love them anymore. you can have amicable break ups with people and remain friends. You don't have to remove them from your life. However! Boundaries DO need to be set. Valentine's day is very inappropriate! You have every right to be bothered by that.
If I were you, I'd really stress this issue with your fiancé. he needs to learn these boundaries and if he's unable to define them then I would reconsider the marriage.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (18 September 2013):
I'm only addressing one aspect of this: you asked whether you should leave him and let them be friends. Normally I'm all for being willing to leave someone if they won't give you what you want. But in this case I feel like you may be marrying someone who you don't really want to marry if you'd call it off over (presumably) innocent occasional talks with the ex.
The valentine's calls have got to stop. But the others seem harmless. I feel like if my wife and I ever divorce that I'd always have a place in my heart for her. Does that mean I'll be in love with her, want to be with her, etc? No. But when you spend that much of your life with someone, who says you should never speak to them again when it's over?
In the end, you are free to choose your destiny, so if you think this is wrong and you can't live with it then, by all means, leave him. But I really don't think what he's doing is wrong if it's strictly platonic.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2013): People who won't set boundaries; and redefine the connection between them and their exes, deserve a rude
awakening.
Don't get engaged, until you've resolved your divorce with your ex-spouse.
Her active involvement goes far beyond just maintaining a civil relationship. It borders on placing a wedge in his current relationship. She competes on the down-low. Flying beneath the radar. She's clinging for life. I mean a life-time.
He has maintained some affection for her over the years; but that's no excuse. You've been too tolerant with his lack of respect for you as his wife-to-be. You're not being nice by silently gritting your teeth, and begging daddy to make a choice.
She is woman, and she is quite aware of how she's being a nuisance. She doesn't care, and she uses him to back it up.
She wouldn't allow it, were she in your shoes. So her message to you is, they come as a package. Deal with it.
This may be a hard suggestion.
The engagement must be extended, and the wedding put on hold. All issues must be resolved now.
You did not bargain for a three-way relationship. He has no more emotional responsibility to attend to her feelings. He is no longer her emotional custodian. She'll have to find herself her own man. If he can't handle pushing her away to bring you closer, you've got a problem that will remain a thorn in your side throughout your marriage.
Co-dependent exes are not the burden any new relationship has to carry. He reinforces her dependency by being her crutch, and she maintains his co-dependency by playing the frail and helpless ex; who'll fall apart; if he ever completely abandons her.
Friendship after divorce has its limits. It's not supposed to stress engagements; or new marriages.
Ex-spouses are like pulled-teeth. They're painful to remove, and you have little reason to keep them.
I'm exhausted with this nonsense people try to pull off pretending they can't deal with their exes in a logical and assertive way. There was a reason they parted. Polygamy is illegal in all 50 states. So when you dump one spouse; the old one has to make way for the new one. You have your own problems as a couple to deal with. A third-wheel or appendix is unnecessary. Time to shed it.
Remind your fiance' that the old marriage is legally dissolved; and you feel you're playing second-fiddle to a manipulator. You will be the adult, and step aside to allow him to make all the necessary adjustments to assure you that you've made the right decision to marry him.
Inform him assertively, that you do have a problem with her persistent intrusions on your relationship. It offends you. Single child-free exes, must abide by all the rules and limitations of being in the "friend-zone." The rules change where there is co-parenting. That is for life.
They respect the privacy of the new couple. Call and request permission from both partners to visit. Extend invitations to events to both parties. Keep calls and social media communication within appropriate frequency, time, and subject matter.
Exes should have limited access, and must address you as a couple.
Officially place yourself in a neutral-zone, to await the changes. You know this is his responsibility. and will not interfere. If there are no changes, you will do what you feel to be in your own best interest.
He requires an ultimatum.
You're making a lifetime decision. This isn't a game. You have no obligation to adopt his ex-wife, and she has no right to poke her nose in your business.
There is no delicate approach. That's why this all continues.
.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (17 September 2013):
 Intending to marry is a commitment to each other and he seems to be disregarding your feelings.
Tell him straight that his ex is obviously finding it hard to be without him but that he has made a commitment to you and your happiness should come first.
Ask him how he would feel if your ex did to you what his ex is, once the children have grown up and moved out!
I do not hate my ex (the father of my kids) and my husband doesn't hate his ex (the mother of his child) but we are both looking forward to the day when we do not have to have regular contact anymore (save that of the kids graduations, marriages etc)
There's no animosity there but I don't want to chat and spend time with my ex (if I did we wouldn't have split!)
Tell your fiancé that he has to prioritise your life together and his ex should be way in the past. Aunty SVC is right, he has to stand up to her and say "no more!" I'm in love with someone else and you need to move on too.
If he can't or won't do this then, I'm sorry, but it begs the question why? And the only answers I can come up with are 1) He likes her being hung up on him or 2) He's still hung up on her too.
Hope this helps AB x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2013): I know how you feel, I put up with something similar and it isn't right.
She isn't respecting the fact that he is in a relationship, and he knows this bothers you (it would bother me too), and he isn't doing anything about it - I wouldn't marry him. He needs to put you first and he isn't. He shouldn't be worried about hurting her feelings, he should be worried about how you feel.
He could nicely tell her that her calls/emails are causing problems with his relationship with you - that isn't mean - its true.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 September 2013):
 the problem is not the EX. the problem is your fiance won't stand up to her.
if you marry him she will be part of your marriage and life forever.
I'd cancel the engagement and end the relationship in hopes that he's serious about wanting you over her... but be strong and be prepared that he's mouthing words you want to hear.
I have 3 ex husbands. I RARELY talk to #1 whom I have adult children with I NEVER speak to #2 no clue where he is or what he's doing and #3 and I occasional travel in the same social circles but we don't have regular contact unless it's about my dog that he has custody of.
there is no need unless you have children with them to have contact with an ex.
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