A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:my boyf of two years has two kids - 18 yr old girl and 16 old boy who have never liked me even though i've made the effort but they claim they want to see their daddy 'alone'. we split up for 6 months and during that period they have started to have their own life and have been seeing him occasionally. now we are back together the girl calls him every night asking him for lifts etc to stop him spending time with me - he knows what her game is. she has now made up that she's getting prank calls from me even though her phone doesn't work - he totally trusts me and knows i haven't done anything. he usually has the kids sundays but hasn't for the last 5 months - it's been arranged as and when suits everyone. i've had to put up with crap ever since i got with him (yes my choice, i love him and it's brought us stronger) and i thought it was now slowly stopping....HOWEVER.... it's his bday on sunday and they want to see him which is obvious. i booked a table for him and i to have lunch and then i also booked for him to have a massage after. i told him i'd made arrangements and to let the kids know that they could come round at 3 - he was fine with that. he spoke to is daughter this evening and she's 'told' him he can't go for a meal as it's her mums bday awell and she's planned the morning/afternoon with him and late afternoon/evening with her mum as her mum's going out for lunch. my boyfs mum also said 'that's not fair she's taking you out when we need to see u on ur bday' his ex has also said 'sunday;s are his day to have the kids.....' he is letting everyone dictate to him and says it's all to do with the fact that his ex (who he split up with 14 years ago) is waiting for a reason to get her bloke on him. he says he's sick of everyone and will have his bday morning at is mums and leave me at our home and then see me late afternoon. me seeing his family is not in the equation. why doesn't he stand up for himself, after all his kids arn't little any more or i would understand!
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male
reader, soon567  +, writes (15 December 2010):
I think people never take in consideration the welfare of the children/family. Key point they’re not hers! I am dating a woman who isn’t the mother of my children like you are. My ex is alive and well and she does an excellent job mothering the children’s that she brought into this world. At no point regardless of how I feel about her, I would never remotely let another woman take her place pretend to mother them. My kids are older two (adolescent) and one is a preteen.His kids come first but he has a life to live and should live it. He dating a woman forever reasons he choose too not a babysitter, maid, or big sister. So many kids are hurt missing or even worst by trying to make others a parent instead of raise those kids that you and you ex brought into this world. A divorce or separation doesn’t relinquish you responsibility of being a parent or responsible adult. They have the right to spend time with their dad if that’s the intention, but I think these kids have a different agenda. As a man he needs to realize who the parent is and who the child is. I have a gf and trust me these problems you’re having isn’t happening here. Your guy is weak and to cease problem or rife between you and his kids he needs to put his foot down. Kids are at their best when they have structure, he’s failing at this. Plans can be changed and it’s up to him to correct it not you.I see they (your responders) have a problem with your age and that’s between you two, my gf is 29 and I could care less what other thinks. If they were satisfied with whom they was with then they wouldn’t worry about you. Your guy is weak and need to stand up to his family before the lose respect for him. You need to put your foot down and you need to do it now..Those kids and ex is part of his life, not yours, I wouldn’t take part in it until he gets structure within it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010): Basically when you take on a man with a family then you take him on as a package. Even though his kids are teenagers. I was 17 when my Mum brought a new man into my life. It wasn't easy at all. But on a hopeful note, over a number of years we all got used to the situation, and things improved no end. So be patient, try to ride out the little things that niggle you. You need to play the long game here with the kids and his ex wife if you want to build this relationship.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 December 2010):
 These are his kids - and it's a great thing that after divorce he could mantain a close relationship with them !
Kids come first - you must have known it when you accepted to date him. And objectively it does not sound like they want to run his life or being oppositional on principle, they want just celebrate with their dad on his birthday as they are fully entitled to do, - massage or no massage.
It is also perfectly reasonable that they want some "alone " time with their dad, it would be even if you were his new wife, which you are not. The fact that they may be somewhat jealous of you is to be expected and handled with poise and sensitivity- not starting a kind of high school competition.
If you want to date a grown up man , you have to act as a grown up woman . Don't be so petty.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (15 December 2010):
Wow...his kids aren't little anymore? They're still teenagers and need their father! If my father was dating you, I probably wouldn't like you either. Sounds to me like you're trying to control his life and not let him see his kids. And you're barely older than them? Your story is a little hard to follow and what I gathered from it...they're not the bad guy. Quit being so self centered, the world doesn't revolve around you. The kids come first; not you.
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