A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear cupidsI've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost a year and things are great apart from a few minor issues. He watches a lot of porn. I realize that he needs a release when we're not together but I made a joke last week that he won't need it when we've moved in together (which we're planning on doing in the new year) and he said he's bringing along his porn dvds for when I'm out or at work. I laughed it off but really I was hurt.He also looks women up and down when we're out, women who are slimmer and prettier than me. I've mentioned this to him and he says he's not doing any harm. I suppose he's not but it makes me feel worthless. I don't stare at men when I'm with him.Am I being unreasonable?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2014): As far as his ogling women in front of you, this would be worth a read here on Dear Cupid: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-boyfriend-is-sweet-and-caring-but-he-really-ogles-other-women.htmlThat should help you get some perspective, because by his ogling other women in front of you, he doesn't respect you.As far as porn, I am a little more open minded. As long as your sex life is good and he is not spending all of his time consumed by porn, then I can give him a pass. But, if you are hurt by his remarks, then you need to really communicate with him how you feel.Communication is the key to a good relationship. Tell him that his wandering eyes are causing harm to your relationship.See how he responds to you. If he gets defensive and says you are insecure about his ogling, don't believe that. That is their way of getting out of their bad behaviors. See if he really tries to tame his wandering eyes after you have had a talk with him and let him know you appreciate him making the effort.If the porn and wandering eyes are causing you to be hurt, really take a hard look at this relationship. You can't change a person. They have to want to change. I wouldn't advise moving in with him. Both of these issues may be deal breakers for you. You will have to decide if they are.If he really wants you to be with him, then he shouldn't be ogling at all or at be decent enough to be more discreet. Really, it shouldn't be an issue that you even have to bring up to him or any guy you are dating in my opinion. Most guys should be bending over backwards so they don't hurt the one they are with. It's about having common courtesy towards their girlfriend.As a side note: I am with someone right now that has ogling eyes every time we go out in public. We live together. It is starting to effect my mental health and I now have anxiety attacks every day. I plan to see a therapist about my anxiety. I want you see where the ogling can lead and what can happen to you mentally from their actions. ALWAYS look at their actions. That will reveal more about them. I never take what a man tells me at face value, all the sweet nothings they whisper to me. I judge by their actions. Their actions will give you their true character.Go by your gut instinct. It is rarely wrong. Good luck in whatever you decide to do. Remember that there are a ton of men out there and there are good ones in the lot. Don't let one man's actions define the rest.There are plenty of men that would line up on your doorstep to date you. Maybe your boyfriend needs to be aware of that and that he can be easily replaced.Don't let him take you for granted.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (2 December 2014):
 There are two things going on here. We'll start with the obvious one, and that's the constant ogling of women while you're with him. Sorry, but that is creepy and disgusting. I wouldn't feel worthless. I would feel gross like I wanted to take a shower after spending any length of time with him while he was objectifying and leering at other women.
And this is something I need to tell you regarding that disgusting habit as well as his porn use - it's not about you. If you're focusing on thinking that YOU'RE inferior to the silicone porn bombshells who fake it and get paid to sound like moaning wildebeests in heat, and that the only thing you can think of when he pervs all over random women is that they're prettier or slimmer than you, then you need to get your head on straight! None of that gross behavior means that you're inferior. It means your boyfriend is disgusting.
He has a nasty porn habit, and he objectifies women. He's addicted like a crack habit to porn, and it's got him in a prison. There's no such thing as "he won't need it" when you're there, because to a porn addict, they need it even if there were two supermodel bombshells in the bed waiting and willing. They'd still need the porn because their stimulation centers in the brain are burned out and can no longer be aroused by normal means.
I wouldn't be surprised if he wasn't suffering from ED when he's with you (it would be the same with any woman), or if he can't "finish" through intercourse and needs a hand or a mouth. That's because his penis is way too desensitized to porn being the stimulation plus the grip of his hand, which is tighter than the tightest vagina. Not to be blunt.
It's not you, but as long as he's in denial and saying he's harming nothing, and ESPECIALLY if he's ogling women like a 70-year old pedophile in a city park, he won't change and you have a decision.
I am not against porn itself. It, like alcohol, is fine when people use it responsibly. It's when it becomes out of control that it interferes with sex lives.
The ogling alone would be a dealbreaker for me. I know guys look, but there's a difference between discreetly appreciating another woman's beauty and rubbernecking and lingering on breasts and lower regions constantly to the point where there's never just an enjoyment of where you are together.
DO NOT MOVE IN with him. Don't do it. It will not get better... in fact, it'll be 100 times worse.
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A
male
reader, Forge +, writes (2 December 2014):
 No, I can promise that he's just going to need some... correcting.
Oggling women WHILE with you is wrong. If he wants to do it on his own time, it's still disrespectful. Indirect, but disrespectful nonetheless. As for the porn...
That stuff is really bad for the brain. It can destroy his sex drive massively, and it is likely to cause Erectile Dysfunction.
He's a bit of a screwball, and I think you two need to sit down and have a talk. Offer him an ultimatum. What the ultimatum is, completely up to you.
Sounds like he's still a salvageable wreckage, so good luck to you.
-Førg€
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