A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, am 5 yrs into marraige and my husband started balding 2 yeses after our marraige. He also snores badly tht its difficult for me to sleep next to him. And fr so many years I have been trying to tell him tht he should do something about it. But he just ignores. I feel really sad and tht he does nt care attitude of his turns me off. Its ruining our sex life and my attraction towards him . We have a kid and I dont want to seperate from him and feel things csn be better if he takes some medical help for both. But he just does not care. I feel really stressed and alone in life as he does nt like wen I discuss this topic and expects I should ignore these things and accept the situations as it is. Nor does he let me share it with anyone. I cannot sleep if he snoring and he snores by default or I have to keep him waking to sleep on his side all through night which ruins my sleep. Also his balding is making him less attractive . But wht bothers me more is tht he does not want to take any efforts to look good or improve situation for me. Which gives a feeling that he does not care for me. I am fed of this situation but cant think of any solution. Have tried telling him so many times. It turns into a fight so have stopped talkibg about it but the situation remains same. Pl help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2013): FauxAngel has obviously never had to sleep with someone who snores, because earplugs don't do the trick many times. I agree that you should sleep in another bed or the couch until he is willing to get a CPAP machine. My husband has one and it works wonderfully. He is being very selfish by not addressing the situation. You need to be able to sleep, uninterrupted through the night. He is harming his heart and yours.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (20 March 2013):
 Dear OP,
I too believe he needs a medical workup for sleep apnea which can cause death if not treated. I also second the idea of ear plugs. I don’t like the idea of separate bedrooms but if all else fails you may have no choice if you choose to stay married to him.
It’s interesting to me that the MORE important issue to you was what you stated first “my husband started balding 2 years after our marriage”
You say you have been trying to tell him to do something about it. ABOUT WHAT? The snoring or the balding. There is not much he can do about the balding. Both of my sons are balding and they are your age. I feel bad since it’s a gene inherited from the mother’s side so in a way had I not been their mom they may not have been balding.
If you have been trying to get him to do something about the snoring, that’s a good thing. You sa you have been trying to tell him but he ignores it. WHAT do you say to him? DO you tell him that the snoring is possibly life threatening? That he needs to see a doctor? If my husband’s life was being threatened by a condition such as sleep apnea you better believe he would not be permitted to ignore it by me.
You say he does not want to make any efforts to look good or improve the situation for you. So again are we talking appearance or snoring? I really sense that the snoring is secondary to the fact that you no longer find your spouse attractive.
YOU feel that because he does not make an effort to look good he does not care for you. THESE are your feelings and interpretations and my not be facts in his mind. He may care for you very deeply and love you very deeply but if he’s chronically sleep deprived (and sleep apnea can do that) then he’s not at his best.
I have to say that if you all you do is nag about his hair and his appearance I can’t blame him for shutting you down.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2013): Move into a separate bedroom. This is a practical solution so you can get the sleep you need to function. chronic sleep deprivation has serious negative impacts on your health. For example, driving while sleep-deprived is as bad as driving drunk as far as your reaction time and how dangerous you are to others on the road. I agree with others that your husband may have sleep apnea. My husband has sleep apnea but it is very severe that even wearing a CPAP and it is uncomfortable and prevents him sleeping. He has tried for years different CPAPs, none of them fit right. He has tried sleeping while sitting, works for only a few days then his neck gets sore. He snores even when sleeping on his stomach. He can't/won't lose weight (he is overweight and that makes the sleep apnea worse). So, we are out of luck and I had no choice but to move into a different bedroom or I would never be able to sleep for the rest of my life. Unlike sleep-deprived parents of babies, if you have a spouse who chronically snores too loud this will NEVER go away ever, so if your husband won't or can't do anything to stop the snoring then you need to look at long term measures for how YOU can get your own sleep reliably regardless of him.I don't know how bad your husband's sleep apnea is. if it's mild, the snoring may be stopped or reduced significantly by him doing these simple measures (but he has to do them obviously): getting those breathing strips like what athletes wear and wearing them to bed (you can buy them at the pharmacy), getting thicker or higher pillows so his head is propped up more, sleeping on his side or stomach rather than on his back, and losing weight if he is overweight. Most people with sleep apnea are overweight, and losing the weight helps reduce the severity of it and thus the snoring. If he does those things and it still doesn't work then he needs to see a doctor and possibly wear a CPAP when he sleeps. Now if he WON'T do any of those things, then I say you need to move out of the bedroom and sleep in a separate room or on the couch. Or ask him to. For years I would wake up in the middle of the night to go sleep on the couch. Now I just sleep in a different room altogether. I love it. Does this affect intimacy? Yes it can, but it sounds like you already have that problem anyway given how you feel about him so it might actually be an improvement in your relationship if you're at least not also cranky all the time from lack of sleep and resenting him that here you are waking up because of him and "having" to prop him on his side all the time rather than him doing anything about it. You may feel more magnanimous to him if it doesn't feel like he is encroaching on your health so much. or maybe you can get those Bose noise cancelling headphones and wear them to bed! I haven't tried them but who knows? your first priority is to figure out a solution for YOU to not be compromised in your sleep quality. Maybe moving into a separate room will also send a message to him that his snoring isn't a trivial problem like he thinks. Many people especially men get alarmed if their spouse moves into a different bedroom because of the implications for intimate relationships or lack thereof. This is where you can show him that HE is the one making it this way because he is refusing to get medical help for his snoring. If you move into another room, it will do you good. and maybe it will show him that his snoring is not a trivial matter. Tell him if he wants to sleep in the same bed as his wife, it's up to him to make it possible again.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2013): I can see why you would want him to do something about the snoring if he can. There may be a way to operate on his nose to help that. I have been helped just by using those plastic strips that you tape onto your nose at night to help hold your airways open at night.
But you should know that male pattern balding is out of your husband's control. It's not his fault that he is balding. The problem is simply genetic bad luck when the hair loss is in a male-pattern shape. And it is not very treatable in 2013. Hair transplants are expensive, the results are kind of a risk, and they only work very well if you are never going to lose a lot of hair. The medications to fight male pattern baldness must be used every day for the rest of your life to keep the benefits, they have side effect problems, and they don't do much more than slow down the balding process for most guys in the long run.
Many guys who do care a lot about their hair loss still choose not to try to fight it because the odds are stacked too far against them. The costs and benefits of the treatments that we have today still cannot do enough for most guys who have major hair loss patterns in the family.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (20 March 2013):
 your husband is balding and snores? if this were a deal breaker for marriage, i honestly don't think anyone would still be married, dear.
balding is a biological thing that he cannot control. it's just a part of aging. did you really expect him to physically look the same way years from now as he did when you first got married? if so, then you may have needed to consider marrying peter pan instead. otherwise, you're going to be very disappointed. as we age, our body changes. and if you love someone, shouldn't you accept and embrace these things?
as for the snoring. i can understand that. it's effecting your sleep. really bad snoring can actually be a sign of a health problem. it's called sleep apnea. he really may need to go to the doctor to see if there's anything wrong. perhaps you could portray it this way, or even just set the appointment and tell him afterwards. then drag him with you.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (20 March 2013):
Hi there. Because he is snoring every night, he might also then be waking up in the morning, NOT feeling very refreshed, as he ought to be.
There are a few things around for prevention of snoring, but the most successful of all are mouth devices that push the bottom jaw forward, thereby opening up the area at the back of the tongue by separating it more from the soft pallet, which is the area that causes the snoring in the first place.
I use one of these anti-snoring mouth devices, and have been for about 4 years or so, and it has stopped my snoring altogether.
It has been an absolute Godsend for me.
When one person snores, it is very disruptive to the other person sharing the bed.
And eventually, it can lead to other health problems directly associated with not sleeping well.
I have heard that one of those problems is type two diabetes.
And this is a very serious disease.
Also, obesity is another health issue that can happen as a result.
These anti-snoring devices are usually fitted by a dental surgeon, and I have to say they are NOT cheap.
Well worth the expense though.
Mine - 4 years ago - back then, was $723, paid off over about 3 visits.
First a mould needs to be made, of both the top jaw and then the bottom jaw and a measurement is taken between the opening of the two jaws with a gap at the front, of a few millimetres.
First though, you will need to look on the internet for mouth devices for anti-snoring.
Alternatively, when you next visit your dentist for a check up, ask him about these mouth anti-snoring devices, and he may be able to give you an information brochure, that explains how they work, and what they look like.
And he can also give you a price on it, should you decide to go ahead.
If you can encourage your husband - once you find out about this - to go ahead and get an appliance made, well then that will solve the snoring issue.
At least then, you can sleep peacefully and uninterrupted.
And then, having more energy, that will inevitably liven up your sex life, as a direct result.
And once those two things are resolved, it may come as a natural consequence, that your husband begins once more, to take more pride in his appearance.
And that in turn, will rekindle those feelings of attraction in you towards him, that you used to have.
A kind of chain of events.
Also, by him snoring all the time, which of course, makes him feel tired the rest of the time, it could be that he has so little energy, that he just "can't be bothered" making any great effort to look smart and dressy.
One things always affects the other, there is no doubt about it.
And by the way, does he work?
Or, is he home all the time?
Because, if he does work, well then he would have to dress up a bit if he works in an office.
Or if not in an office, he would have a uniform of some sort that he has to wear on the job.
Because, from what you say, he does sound like he has a mild case of depression.
And this could come from always feeling tired, and not much energy.
Having no energy, can make a person feel a little low, for sure.
Because, you feel tired, and so you just sit around or sleep a lot of the time, and there is a point at which you feel as though life is just passing you by.
And that can be a VERY depressing thought, I promise you.
Perhaps, you could make some time for the two of you when your child has gone off to bed, and have a heart to heart talk about what is happening, and how it is affecting your relationship.
This would be a perfect opportunity to get everything out in the open between you.
About how you feel, and about how he feels about what is happening.
Don't delay in doing this, because it is vital if you really want to have some kind of happy future for the two of you.
And unless you have this chat soon, well then it's only going to get worse, as more time goes by.
And I say worse, because you already have some resentment now towards him, and him letting his appearace go.
So unless you say something - rather than just making a comment here and there - the problem will not just resolve itself.
It needs an in-depth discussion between you.
And it's really the only way, any change can be brought about.
And it is very clear, that there needs to be change, don't you think?
And a way to answer this question, is if you were to ask yourself now - "Do I really want to live this way for the rest of my life with this man, if he WON'T change? Would I be prepared to just put up with it? Would I be happy?"
And then, you need to decide for yourself what is acceptable to you, and what is an absolute deal breaker.
And by that, I mean, at some point and if he shows no signs of changing, and refuses to do anything, that you then say to yourself - "I just CAN'T take this any longer. He won't change, so I want out."
And if that was to happen, you would of course, have to first tell him of your intentions.
Not as a threat or an ultimatum, just simply sitting him down and telling him exactly how you feel, and that you see he shows no sign of wanting to co-operate and make things right between you, and that you feel you have no other choice other than to leave.
Because, he really needs to know how his behaviour affects you and the relationship.
He may have some idea, however without a conversation with you, he probably only has a vague idea of the impact he is having on you.
So all the more reason, to have that chat with him as soon as you possibly can.
The sooner the better.
Please, do not delay it one more day.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2013): I have a different opinion from Intrigued3000. I don't think your complaints are superficial at all. He may provide well for you and your child and treat you well, but if you have no attraction to him then your relationship has lost its sexual component. without any sexual component it can still be an admirable and good relationship as co-workers and friends/family but is lacking a key feature that makes the relationship more than a family relationship but a real marriage.
I suspect it isn't just the fact that he's balding and snores that turns you off, but his entire attitude to it, his lack of interest in maintaining himself. I think if he was trying hard to mitigate these things, then even if he failed after doing his best you would not lose your attraction because you can see he still cares and that he tried. In fact you would then probably feel sympathy for him.
But his attitude is that he doesn't care, which is kind of arrogant to assume that one should expect one's spouse to find them attractive when one doesn't put any effort or attention into maintaining themselves.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2013): Sounds like your husband has obstructive sleep apnea. this can escalate to a life threatening condition. He needs medical treatment.that said, my husband has had sleep apnea all his adult life, we been married 15 years and his snoring has always been so loud you can hear it from downstairs. He had in the past sought medical treatment but doesn't want to wear the oxygen mask they prescribe. As a result he continues to snore and gasp in his sleep and I cannot sleep because his snoring is louder than the lawnmower.We sleep in separate bedrooms and/or I wear ear plugs. This is how it's been for the last 10 years. it is the only way I can get sleep for myself.you can't make someone care about their health. if he doesn't care, then you bringing up the subject again and again no matter how gently and out of care and concern, will only be seen by him as intrusive nagging and make him dig his heels in all the more to not take any action.just let him be. If he gets a heart attack or diabetes as a result of not treating his snoring medically, that may be his wake up call. And if that still doesn't do it then nothing will and unfortunately you can't make someone care about their health if they don't.
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (20 March 2013):
 Advice for the snoring: Perhaps he has sleep apnea and requires special breathing equipment for sleeping. This will give both you and him a better night sleep. He needs to do a sleep test at a sleep clinic for diagnosis. He may need to see a respirologist for this type of treatment. There are also some other over the counter sleep aids for people who snore.
Advice about your husband's balding: This is a superficial complaint, and if you really loved him this would not matter. Is he a good man? Is he a faithful husband? Does he provide well for you and your child? Is he a good father to your child? Does he treat you well as a wife? This is what you should be focussing on instead of superficial aspects like appearance. Perhaps his focus is more on providing for his family rather than looking good for the ladies.
Maybe a guy would best be able to confirm this, but I've found from my experience with relationships that when my man was happy, he became comfortable to the point where he gained some weight and paid less attention to his appearance. I took it as a compliment rather than an insult, because it meant that he is not looking to be with someone else, and he is happy with me.
If you're going to leave him because of these two conditions (balding and snoring), then I pity your husband.
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