A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am living with my boy friend since last 4 years. We got engaged 2 years ago. Before getting engaged we both had our insecurities of whether our parents will approve this relationship (since arrange marriage is still quite big in our culture). We took a chance and went to India so we can introduce each other to our families. Thank god everything went smoothly, however I realized in those few meetings with his family that I do not get along very well with his elder sister. She came across very controlling and out spoken. My fiancé mother passed away few years ago and since then his sister has a say in everything. She came across so controlling that she even wanted to buy an engagement ring on my behalf. In that 10 day visit she wanted us to get married. Thankfully i stood my grounds and I bought my own ring and told her that I do not wish to rush into the wedding. After the engagement me and my fiancé flew back and life was normal as I dont have to see his sister. We kept talking on the phone but it was always frustrating as she had her own opinions in everything. She lives in USA but she is back in India as she is now divorced. She has a 4 year old kid. She now wants to come to Australia and stay with us. She wants to come here and study and live here. To this fact, my and my fiancé have been fighting like crazy. I hate her and I cant stand her. I dont want her to be here. We have a great life and I dont want her to come and ruin my life. Besides I dont like kids. Dont get me wrong but some females are not motherly and I am surely not. So thinking about living with not only his sister but a 4 year old kid is driving me mad... We are now fighting constantly as he wants to support his sister at the same time he doesnt want to loose me. But I cant support his decision to get his sister here, simply coz I want privacy in life. Besides, we will also be supporting her university fees and her child's school fees. We are not millionaires to support us and his sister. But my fiancé refuses to understand and he said you can move out if you cant live under the same roof.I am really lost here. I cant blame him while he is trying to support his family at the same time I cant put up an act and tell myself everything will be fine. As trust me we will struggle financially. Besides when she is out in uni, one of us have to stay home to watch the kid in the evenings. So, here not only I have to stay with a woman I dont like but also baby sit. And after knowing all this, how can I telly myself that my relationship will be great.I have told him not to get her here. But this is not working. I have also told her indirectly that things will be difficult but she doesnt get it. Also, I dont wana get married and live separately. I dont know what to do. Letting the relation go with no fault of his or mine is stupid.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Ven  +, writes (17 October 2010):
It comes down to two things:
First, can you live with this sister and her child? If he said it was happening no matter what, would you stay or go?
If you wouldn't stay, that means you simply cannot live with them. At that point, you need to tell your fiance that you can't live with them. Then he has to choose between his sister and his soon-to-be wife.
I do not know what kind of familial culture you come from, but here a man is responsible first and foremost to the woman he wants to marry.
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