A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My sister is 27, living in a house of her own with a partner who is very likely potential marriage material. She's not too far from our mum, who's only about an hours drive away.I'm in Student Halls over 5 hours drive away, I'm 21, coming back for this week only to see my family for Easter. I took this opportunity to browse the charity shops of my home town for a day. It's where I buy most of my clothes, and shoes! Especially shoes. I love finding a good pair of shoes for less than £10. I found a pair of Hobbs shoes for £8 a while back, which I was SO happy about. I wear them all the time - and of course I got looks from my sisters who all think they're fabulous. My older sister, (27 yo) tried them on without asking, and I caught her in the act. I didn't even care that she tried them on, haha, so what? I try on my sisters clothes and shoes as well... But then she asked me if she could have them. I was a little taken aback, and sort of mumbled sorry, and that I liked them too much.My mum had private words with me later that day, saying stuff like 'maybe you should just give them to her', 'you have plenty of nice shoes' and 'you should learn to be generous'. I didn't feel ungenerous, I just felt pressured into giving my sister something I loved. That incident left a bit of a sting - I mean, I'm probably being over sensitive as usual. Apparently I'm waaaay too sensitive, haha.Anyway, I found a really nice shirt for a £1 in a charity shop here, just yesterday. It's truly gorgeous. Thick, soft cotton cropped shirt, with long fold over sleeves and ties at the end - kinda regency style actually.I wanted to show it off and brought it out. It's a bit tight on me, but I like buying clothes a little tight, because it helps me in my battle to lose weight. Of course, 27 yo tries it on and it looks great on her, and both my nana and mum say that I should give it to her... She's wearing an amazing skirt, and cashmere jumper. Suede boots. I got my sense of style from her - and now I feel like every time I get something I really like, I'm going to be pressured into giving it to her. I ended up caving on the shirt... And as silly as it sounds I had a bit of a cry in my room to relieve the stress I was feeling.I want to know TWO things:Am I being completely moronic?!What can I do about it if I'm not? (Being moronic that is)Thank you everyone!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2015): I'm sorry but I would just say 'no get your own shoes' lol
If you don't want her to have these things, why even let her try them on? Maybe go shopping with her and encourage her to get some new stuff? (ie: not yours!)
You are not obligated to give your sister your clothes.
I swap clothes with my sister sometimes, sometimes she borrows things and 'forgets to give them back'. But there is never any demand that I should give her my stuff and I wouldn't demand things from her.
I buy most of my clothes online and if I get it and turns out to be the wrong size or I don't like it I'll just give it to my sister if she wants it. But I think your sister/mum ARE being unreasonable asking you to give her things you want that you've just bought for yourself!
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 April 2015):
 That's ridicolous. Just stand your ground. Politely, ... with a smile... but firmly. Your sister is behaving very inappropriately- not only she is the older and more financially stable, and hopefully she does not need to literally take the shirt off her student sister's back, but by her age she should have an inkling that you do not go around soliciting for gifts or asking for other people 's belongings without being offered. It would sound as if this is some sort of marking her territory or sibling rivalry thing, otherwise it's strange that she has to pounce on any new ,SPECIAL clothing item that you show to really like.
The swap system ( Ok, I'll give you my shirt if you give me X... ) would only work in theory, as for fairness - bur not in practice, because ,if I got it right, the point is not obtaining an equivalent of what you give ( it's very inexpensive stuff anyway ), the point is that you really enjoy those particular clothing items regardless of their commercial value ; that you have probably put time and effort in choosing just THOSE items, and that you cannot get one more of the very same , because you got them from a thrift store and not off the rack.
In fact, being the b...h that I am, I would TELL your sister to ditch this annoying habit of hers , and to wait for being OFFERED stuff ( unless she really NEEDS it, which is clearly not the case here ) without soliciting it , but then again, yeah, I suppose it's not worth to have maybe to argue... about some used shirt.
So, just learn to say NO with a ( frosty ) smile, and / or don't even bring along your new purchases so she is not tempted to try and commandeer them.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2015): Your sister is being favoured and you are being made to display your subservience to her by gifting to her things that people know you really love and have taken skill and hard work to find.I wouldn't stand for it a minute longer. But realise also that YOU are setting yourself up to keep this unjust behaviour in play. Families have favourites and, when they do, there is no sane logic to the way they behave. You are being coerced into this game of favouritism and it's not logical.So, on this matter, don't treat them as you would a reasonable, logical person or people.Don't show them your stuff and certainly don't be pressured into gifting your sister with it. Also, be aware that clothes are VERY symbolic.Part of your sister (and your family) will be very jealous that you seem to have both the knack to find the clothes and have the lovely clothes. And they want part of that for themselves. But I wonder if there is something else that they feel threatened by or jealous of?Did any of them go to university? My guess is that, underneath and at an unconscious level, they sense you are stronger or more powerful than them and this is what's being symbolised in the clothes. They are, quite frankly, trying to diminish your power.Another thing I would say to you is, though, that it really does sound like you have a skill for collecting second hand clothes. Have you thought of starting up an online shop for things that might suit other people, but which you wouldn't necessarily want for yourself? Or offering a finders service for, say, shops that trade to theatrical companies or stage sets? It really does seem to me that, even if it's not clothes you'd go into, your knack of buying could be the basis for a business.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 April 2015):
 I agree with Auntie Bim Bim, go for a swap OR just say no. I found the great bargain, I LOVE these shoes,... BUT here is the address you can go look for yourself now and then.
Personally, I'd go the route of just not showing them great stuff you have bought.
You sister is playing right into this FAVORITE child your mom/nana are playing because SHE is benefiting. She is 27 and SHOULD know better. She should KNOW that you are on a limited budget, whether you have a GREAT eye or not, she should DECLINE taking STUFF from you.
I have found MANY great things in Thrift Stores and I see NOTHING wrong in being excited that you find a great buy - used or not.
YOU are not being moronic.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2015): I too have a sister and over the years we have borrowed each others clothes occasionally and swapped things that we don't want however neither of us has been forced to hand over something we liked to the other.I don't think you are being moronic about objecting to giving away things you like to your sister. You are not her personal shopper. She's perfectly capable of seeking out clothes herself. It doesn't matter who they fit better; they are yours.You seem to be taking it quite well considering the favouritism your mother is showing towards your sister. I wouldn't be. I don't want to cause trouble and I'm sure your Mum has her own reasons for what she's doing but where will it end? My first suggestion is you try and keep quiet about your "finds" if you think you might be put under pressure to give them away.You are not being ungenerous and should put your foot down if asked to give away something you like again after all you are a poor Uni student and she presumably has a job. Why not offer to show your sister where you shop and let her find her own bargains. She must have charity shops where she lives. Try not to let this come between you but don't be too kind either.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (4 April 2015):
 Next time, if she is wearing something you like, or has worn something you like, such as the cashmere sweater, tell her you will do a swap.
Or just say NO. Then tell your sister how it made you feel to have the females in the family gang up on you to give up clothing you like .......
Another option would be to simply not show your family any really good purchases, have a roll of tape in your case/bag and stick the top of the bag so it cant be opened ...... when your sister goes to "try on" (I see it as shopping for free clothes) she will physically have to open the bag to get to your purchases, when the family ask why tell them you are tired of having to give up your bargains and that its time your sister learnt to do her own charity shop bargain hunting.
Personally I'd go for the offer to swap .... your family might prevaricate and then you can ask them why they feel the supply of clothing should be a one way street and not going both ways.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (3 April 2015):
 I am sensing some sibling favoring, or at least this is how you feel. I don't think you are ungenerous. What's supposed to be a joyful Easter gathering has brought back old sibling rivalry, hurts that have never been resolved. I had been the ignored sibling for a long time and because of this it ripped my family apart. Every time I see my family it's all about my brother. One thing you could do is not go shopping with them, and to accept your weight and be happy with yourself. In charity shops it's hard to find items that you like and you are only presented with things that they happen to have. Certainly that's not the only charity shop close to you. You can also save up to get things that are of value. It makes no sense to cling onto items that have been used.
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