A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I'm 42 and in a relationship with a man who is 40. He has recently been injured at work and since then he would rather sit in the bedroom in front of the computer every waking moment.. He watches so much porn that one would think it would make him want sex but he would rather masturbate to the porn that have any contact with me.. He says that he has no sex drive and that its just a relief thing. I have tried talking to him but he just shuts off and goes about doing whatever he is doing or just gets upset and says that he is not well and stress only makes things worse.. So me being me I shut up and leave him alone.. I'm not coping at all with any of this. I really do love him lots and am totally lost as to what to do.. I don't want to leave him, I just want things to go back to how they were. It feels like he doesn't even want to touch me.. He shows no affection at all. I don't know what to do any more. I feel depressed most of the time. I have even thought about having an affair and telling him to see if there is any reaction. Any input would be greatly appreciated thanks
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affair, at work, depressed, porn, sex drive Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2009): thnks guys for all the answers i really appreciate it. i tried the teasing thing, I even tried sending him hot and horny text messages at work but to no avail. once again thanks
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2009): I was in you situation and slept with someone else, believe me it doesnt make things any better. You just feel guilty and then it becomes YOUR problem and you wil let him get away with more of this behaviour.
I would tell him how would he feel if you had an affair.
Seems as he is not well he needs other activities to keep him occupied. Put a porn blocker on the pc. There is NO WAY you should put up with this. See if he will do other activities with you. It hurts when your partner does not want to touch you...I know.
My partner and I are still together but he sais if he had known porn was the reason I did it he would have stopped.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2009): sweetheart, any woman with a mna who watches porn is ENTITLED to have an affair....especially if she has irreversibly changed her body by having HIS babies and he still has the audacity to look at 20yr old bodies that have never made any sacrifices....men in general are selfish and uncaring ....us women need to make sure we are getting appreciated by the young toy boys, if our husbands think its ok to masturbate over other women...go for it!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2009): He sounds depressed, yeah. If you don't want to leave him, then you must support him. Yes, first of all tell him there is a problem, and it is that you're feeling neglected to the porn. Then suggest that you've noticed a change in his personality, and that he's no longer the fun loving guy you fell in love with, BUT that you understand that this is probably due to his accident. Maybe he should go to therapy, to check if he really is depressed and what he can do about it. With you or without you, if he's depressed he'll continue to feel like this and act like this, and this is no place for a person to be, trust me 'cause I've been depressed. Luckily, there are numbers of treatments and it should be ok.
In the meantime yes, try to get him to do different fun activities with you. What were his hobbies prior to this? Try spending some time together doing things that hopefully you both love. I know this may sound like you have to make a lot of effort when you're also feeling bad, but you have to treat him from time to time with food that he enjoys, activities he loves, etc.
If not, then some tough love may be the final step, like Emily and India suggested. Tough love works. It is usually advised to relatives of someone who suffers from depression to give them some tough love.
But don't have an affair. I understand how this is frustrating for you, but an affair won't do anything to improve the situation. If you can't deal with him anymore, then leave him and then go with another man. But there are options and it sounds like you want to fight for your boyfriend.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia  +, writes (22 February 2009):
 EmilyAnswers is dead on. He DOES seem like he's suffering from depression... he's probably bored sick and feeling useless being stuck at home 24/7. So you need to do exactly as Emily says and get his ass back into action! Give him a reality check by telling him that you're getting sick and tired of playing second to a computer and get him out of the house and with you again. Go on dates, tease him sexually - nothing too intense, just teasing... get him feeling spry again.
If he refuses to make changes or nothing changes, then it's time to start thinking about leaving him for someone who can give you what you need. Cheating is not the answer!! If you cheat, you give him ammunition to turn this around and make it your fault. Sister, his behavior is not your fault, it's the reflection of a sad, frustrated man.
Good luck, sweetness.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (22 February 2009):
He's had an accident at work and now he's sat at home all day.
THAT is your problem. He's depressed. A guy will lose his sex drive if he is depressed or stressed. So he's sunk into a little pool of porn and internets and feeling sorry for himself.
You need to kick his bum and tell him to shape up or you're not going to be there any more. Tell him how depressed you are and how you are considering leaving him because he is not interested and just sits doing nothing but wanking.
Then get him out. Organise a date night: Take him to the cinema. Tell him to book a table somewhere and take you out. Go for a walk by the ocean. ANYTHING.
Having an affair will only make things worse.
Give him one last chance and if there is no improvement then leave, don't mess about.
Good Luck!! xx
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