A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year, and we just started having sex a couple of months ago. We were both virgins, and he made it clear to me that he masturbated a lot before me, which I have no problem with, all guys do. I've never asked him about the porn he watches, or what he masturbates to. I don't look into his history on his computer and what not. I prefer a "don't ask don't tell" kind of policy with things like that.The problem is, a couple of days ago, for some reason he told me in detail the kind of porn he watches, and ever since he told me, I can't get it out of my head. It makes me insecure, which is totally stupid, but I can't help it sometimes. I know he doesn't watch it when I'm over at his place because we have sex pretty often, but when it comes time for me to leave for a day or two, I get totally depressed thinking that he's going to be watching the porn he described to me.I just want to know if anyone has any ideas to how I can convince myself to get over this insecurity?I fully understand that it's a petty thing to be worried about, and that it's dumb to get upset over, but I still can't get over it.
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both virgins, depressed, insecure, porn Reply to this Question
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female
reader, wearywife +, writes (12 June 2010):
Personally, i strongly disagree with allowing my man to watch but i wasn"t always like that my husband and i have been together since i was 16 .. now im 20 but i allowed him to watch porn thinking it would do no harm and that its simply a man thing but i was wrong. i later caught him putting up craigslist postings for sex in disturbing ways. wanting things he never had mentioned to me and on top of it i found him on various hook up sites his curiousity and obsession was and is so bad i even caught him talking to other men about sex. Now, there is no trust in our relationship and personally i am so turned off by his actions i would rather have sex with soemone else then have to be with him in that way,i think of all that stuff when he wants to have sex! total turn off!
A
male
reader, RAINORFIRE +, writes (11 June 2010):
 i watch the women
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2010): I just made this comment on another question so I will recopy it here:
The porn issue should not be totally one-sided. IMO couples need to find a compromise they can live with. That may be the woman allows porn or it may be the man stops looking at it, or maybe something in between.
The way women feel about porn seems to bring up some of the same mismatched emotions that men feel about women's past sex lives. One gender feels like they are suffering an ongoing wound over something the other gender does not feel the same way about at all. The hurting person tries to convey how they feel only to hear, "Oh, grow up and get over it! Stop being so insecure!"
Times have changed and both genders have some compromising to do.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (11 June 2010):
 Hmm...it's interesting that he told you that. I'm thinking it's because he doesn't WANT to be into porn, and that he's told you because he holds you in so much higher esteem than he holds porn.
On the contrary, instead of making you feel insecure, be secure in the knowledge that he sees your soul and values it, rather than just seeing your body and objectifying it.
Person's right - you could give it a try yourself. You'll be seeing "perfect" guys too (just stay away from Ron Jeremy!).
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (11 June 2010):
 It's not dumb at all. According to a several recent polls of married women, somewhere around half reported feeling insecure or hurt by a partner's porn habits. If you asked him not to tell you, it's really obnoxious of him to come out and give you a detailed description. Here's the thing, he's not watching the women, he's watching the sex act. Try watching some yourself. Then try to remember their faces a day later. Difficult, right? Same with him. He's not sitting there wishing you'd do the things in porn or wishing you looked the way they look. Do you think he told you because he wants you to try something he saw? You could try watching it with him, but that might make it worse.
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