A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:A little over 3 months ago, i cheated on my boyfriend of almost 2 years. i made a really really bad choice, lied about it (which made it way worse), and there is no excuse. at the time, i was facing alot of personal issues and was really confused and sought alcohol and the attention of men (he was away at the time). when he found out (2 days after), he was upset and angry, reasonably so. I took full responsibility for my actions and cut off all contact with any guy i've ever flirted with who i shouldn't have (i had been flirtatious in the past without anything happening). after much talk and a brief visit, he decided that he wanted to stay with me and work it through. since then, we saw each other for about a week right after it happened and not at all for 2 months (he's away for the summer). during this time, he forgave me for what happened and the lies that followed and he said he fell in love with me again. we were doing well...until his parents realized that we were still talking (they found out about what happened via partially me and his brother). they told him that he was a fool and could do much better and that people don't change.he had always said that he had doubts but just 3 days of his parents hounding, he asked for a break with the hope of getting back together because his heart and head are not completely aligned and he wanted to be sure that we were both independent whole individuals before taking on a relationship.it's been a week of this break and we've talked 3 times, only once for any length of time (online mostly, once on the phone). i'm not sure what to do or what he's thinking. should i hold onto hope? he continues to say that he wants to be with me but that the fear i have of never being together again is valid. we agreed that it would be best to let the trust get rebuilt as friends and see where it goes. i've been focusing on myself and making sure i'm taking the steps i need to to be healthy emotionally as an individual and as someone in a relationship. i would never cheat on anyone again. i love this man and have completely fallen in love with him all over again. i know i hurt him and you can yell at me for that but what i'm asking is if i should hold onto hope or if hes' going to think that well, i can find someone who would never cheat on me (of course, there are no guarantees with anyone else either and he recognizes that). help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2007): Hi, I'm the woman who commented that his parents have some ammunition......
The mixed messages you are getting are really only to be expected, given everything that has happened.
You're doing what you need to, and what is best, by keeping up the good work on your own problems, so I offer you congratulations on that.
Just continue to take it slow and see what develops. If he wants things on a friendship basis at present and try to rebuild trust, that's a good way to proceed. Good for you in recognizing you don't want to plunge back in just yet, but to put the insights and behaviors you are learning in therapy and your own reflections into practice first!
Finally, I thought Nigel has some very good points to consider.
Good luck! Let us know how it goes.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2007): ORIGINAL POSTER (let me know how to confirm): I wanted to add a couple of things.
a) he said that he thought it would be a good idea for him to go on a couple of dates (this is something his parents have advocated from day 1 of our relationship) but that dating did not mean making out or hooking up, etc. (for the record, i didn't have sex when i cheated, not that it really matters)
b) he said that rebuilding trust as friends would be easier and he'd like to see where it leads and that he's excited about what the future may hold and that he is still in love with me and that's why this is so hard.
c) i have been working through my problems since this has happened (therapy, personal reflection, etc.) and i know i need to focus on me and wouldn't want to just back in quite yet anyway. i have come really far from where i was, i still have some things to practice so that i can be sure that they'll stay in place for the long term.
what bothers me are the mixed messages. i'm trying to give him the space he wants. i've talked to him on the phone once, we're 2500 miles apart so we haven't seen each other in 2 months, and i've talked to him online two or three times (initiated by him once and all have been short, 30-40 min or less). i'm trying not to contact him at all and let him come to me.
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A
female
reader, sexi  +, writes (26 July 2007):
 Hi,Firstly i want to tell you that my bf has done something similar to me.At the time that i found out i was more hurt than angry and wanted to break instantly.After a few days i forgave him because i really love him. Your bf has understand that we are all humans and that we are bound to make mistake (some people more than other). If your bf really loves you then he would forgive you and mend your relationship. My bf parents are same like your, they love to interfere - There your bf has to take a stand for your relationship.He needs to tell his parents that they should stay out of the relationship and he is going to make a decision on his own (which he should do. They are not part of your relationship, it only the 2 of your'll and only you 2 should be deciding on your relationship. You have made a mistake and the fact that you have acknowledged it and apologised shows that you are really sorry. Tell your bf that you are sorry (once more)and tell him that you are giving him time to think about what he wants to do. If he forgives you then, you can rebuild you relationship but if he doesn't then move on because he wasn't worth it.If you really truely love someone, you haveto learn to forgive!
Good luck & im sure that you have learnt your lesson
P.S Your bf is listening to his parents and not thinking clearly enough ( he ain't thinking for himself)
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A
female
reader, penta +, writes (26 July 2007):
 This site may help: http://www.ehow.com/how_2040630_spouse-trust-again.html
If it turns out that he makes the break permanent, take this as a blessing and move on. Do you really want those people as your in-laws? YOU can do better.
In the meantime, work on forgiving yourself.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (26 July 2007):
 Firstly, if he can be this sueded by his parents, then it was just a matter of time before anyone broke you guys up.
That being said, I would suggest that you make a choice. Do you want to be with him or not? If you do, then see this separation as a test. This is your chance to prove yourself to him, by NOT dating or sleeping with anyone else UNTIL he takes you back. That, if nothing else, will prove to him that he can trust you to say no to sex in his absense.
If you do not really want him back, then start dating other people.
Even if you too do get together, his family will never see you the say way, and you must be ready to deal with that everytime you and his family are together. Are you sure you can handle that? If not, then that will make his parents be right.
-Frank B Kermit
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A
male
reader, nigelfuxwell +, writes (26 July 2007):
 Well, the first thing I’d have to say is his parents are not the problem. In fact, that is their son, and they have every right to make statements like that. If he didn’t feel the same way on some level, he would have stayed. So, let’s not point any fingers at them just yet…
The second thing I’d say is… slow down. Take a step back and look at all of the issues you have in front of you. Determine which ones need to be corrected first, and the rest will work themselves out.
THE GOOD NEWS… Broken relationships sometimes heal. Trust can be at least partially restored. And you can actually have a happy life afterwards. People in my family have done it, people all over the world do it.
THE BAD NEWS… It’s not the norm. So before I go any further, let me say this. Mentally prepare yourself for the fact that your relationship might be dead. It SUCKS, I know, but you know the responsibility lies in the actions you took, so at this point, there’s no use in crying about it. With that out of the way, let’s break this down logically…
The reality about cheating is that it does horrible damage to relationships for a lot of reasons. The cheater usually never thinks about the depth of the emotional scars that he or she inflicts on the other person. The cheater, even truly repentant ones usually only think about the fact that they’re sorry, realize they made a mistake, and realize they don’t want to lose what they never should have jeopardized in the first place. Cheating in itself is a selfish act. Purely selfish and only in the interest of filling some internal need for validation. Ironically, when a cheater begs for forgiveness, that is a continuation of the selfishness. If you truly made a mistake in a moment of weakness and in the midst of multiple problems you were facing, then that’s fine. I’m willing to accept that, but not excuse it. The key point that you need to realize is exactly what is going through this man’s mind right now.
1) He’s incredibly hurt and betrayed. OK, that one’s a no brainer. You already know that.
2) He’s ashamed and embarrassed. No one wants their friends, family or even strangers to know that the person they love stepped out on them.
3) He’s angry as hell. Again, a no brainer
4) He is now insecure and will maybe never be sure that you won’t do it again. He wonders what it is about him that’s so pathetic that instead of dealing with your issues, you had to go out and sleep with someone else…
The reason I’m telling you this is not to make you feel bad, or paint a psychological profile of your ex boyfriend. It’s to hopefully open your eyes to the fact that you are not the victim, nor the only one suffering here. MANY times, a person who is cheated on will immediately try to forgive and forget. They’ll even go through a phase where everything seems fine, and you think “wow, I dodged a bullet that time”. Reality has a way of smacking you in the head eventually though.
When someone is betrayed by someone they love, it is quite possibly the most horrible feeling in the world. It can make you physically sick and want to vomit. It’s a blow to the core of everything you stand for, and makes you feel like a fool. In the middle of all those emotions, sometimes it’s natural to try and immediately salvage the relationship, only to come to the conclusion later that you need to separate yourself from the cheater. Even if it’s just to clear your head and determine whether or not you can stand to see this person ever again.
I understand that you want to move on and try to prove to him that you’ll never do it again. Believe me when I tell you, you will NEVER prove it. It just doesn’t happen.
IF you want him back, this is a time where you have to do a few things.
1) The first thing is to respect him and his wishes. Cheating is disrespectful. Expecting forgiveness and a second chance is equally disrespectful. Stop. Tell him that you understand, you don’t like it, it’s tearing you up - whatever you’re feeling – but you know this is your fault, and he deserves the time to sort things out.
2) The second thing (which really should be first) is concentrate on YOU. I have no idea what you’re going through, but I can feel your frustration and lack of clarity. Not just with your relationship, but with life itself. You can’t sustain a healthy relationship with anyone if you can’t sort out and cope with your own problems. If your issues never manifest themselves in the way of cheating again as long as you live, I assure you they will manifest themselves in some way. You know this as well. FIX YOU, and then worry about love and relationships when you can deal with them. I like to use the analogy of the man who wants to buy a million dollar home and a Bentley, but has no money and bad credit. It sounds nice, but it aint gonna happen, buddy. You can’t expect great things if you’re not presenting something great in return. It’s the law of attraction at its best. You can’t control what happens between you and him at this point at all. You CAN control how you deal with your life right now. FOCUS on THAT, and everything else will fall neatly and wonderfully into place.
3) BE HIS FRIEND. Love in its true form is unselfish. Love in its true form is based on friendship. You have to figure out a way in the middle of all this to simply “reboot the hard drive” on your friendship. This means you are waaaay behind square one, you’re at square -32. The reason I’m painting this bleak picture is because you need to approach this realistically. If you truly do love him and want him back, you’re going to have do something you were previously unable to do. Put him first. That means, if he doesn’t want to date you, suck it up and deal with it for now. But you can do things to let him know you care. Talk to him, laugh with him. Help him when you can. Be honest about your inner emotions and why you make decisions like that with him so he can understand you. And ultimately, it may mean the ultimate sacrifice. He just might not want you when it’s all said and done. At this point, after the betrayal, he has no idea who you really are. You need to show him the real you, and hope to God that he can forgive what happened in the past.
Look, it sometimes takes YEARS for relationships to really heal from betrayal. You’ve only been “outed” for three months. That’s just about enough time for him to process his emotions and finally get out of the denial stage. And you’ve only been broken up for a week. If you want to find a glimmer of hope in this, it’s the fact that he still talks to you, and he at least gave it an initial go.
To think that it’s completely broken is being impulsive, emotional and panicky. Three very unsexy traits. However, to expect everything to be just hunky dory after what has happened is unrealistic. The moment you stop reading this response, you need to turn off your computer, take a walk or a drive alone, and really think about this:
Do you really want him back, or is this panic and fear of loss? If you do, are you prepared to put forth a lot of effort for something you may never see any reward for? And most importantly… What is it that you need internally to find your center, and stop looking outwardly to alcohol and flings to make yourself feel whole in times of despair? The help is out there, and you really need to find that first. I have no doubt in my mind that you’re a good person who has simply done a bad thing, but you really have to see the problem for what it is, isolate the root cause and fix that. The damage is done, and whether it’s repairable is not for me or anyone on here to say. But if it is truly gone, you have a responsibility to find out what’s not right in your life and attack it. You BOTH deserve better than this situation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2007): Well,you have to admit that his parents have plenty of "ammunition" to back up their assessment of you and naturally they are concerned for their son's well being and happiness.
It may be small comfort to think his parents might not necessarily blame you for cheating, per se, but rather that they may think - and with good reason - that you are a very troubled young woman.
After all, you said you were facing a lot of personal issues. We all have nasty issues to deal with, and it "shows what we are made of" as to how we handle them. To your regret, you now realize that turning to alcohol and seeking the attention of men (yes, looking for comfort is understandable when things get tough) were not good choices.
It sounds as though your boyfriend does genuinely care about you and may want to work through this, but it was a huge shock to him, and he must be wondering whether he can trust you. Its going to take him time and effort to sort out his feelings over this and where he wants to go with you.
You said he wants both of you to be whole, independent individuals before taking on a relationship. That is how it should be! Its what is needed for a healthy reality-based relationship.
You ask whether you should hold onto hope. Well, you can always hope, but ultimately his decision will be whatever it is. In the meantime, YOUR focus should continue to be sorting out your own thoughts and feelings behind the behavior, and becoming an independent, healthy woman WHETHER YOUR ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP OR NOT. In other words, keep your hopes on the back burner, but look to the steps you are already taking toward emotional health. That's the "front burner" stuff. Get those sorted and you'll be in a much better position eventually to be a whole, healthy person! And, you will have learned and have much more to bring to a good relationship, whether with this man or not.
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A
female
reader, MissAttitude  +, writes (25 July 2007):
 you should do something to prove how sorry you are and that you have learnt your lesson, maybe write him a letter explaining how youre feeling and how you hope things will be ok. reminisce about good times youv had together and include photos of you both. it might get him remembering why you were together and not why you split up.
the thing is with parents, especially mums(no offence) they will always think that their son could do better, even if they were with the most perfect prim girl in the world.my boyfriends mum is a typical one, one day she'l love me to bits and tell me to call her mum, she even borrows my clothes and the next im not good enough for him, and he should get rid and thats after 3 and half years! try the letter if you think its a good idea and let me know how it goes xx
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