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female
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anonymous
writes: I've been married for 5monthss now and my husbands parents dont respect me or my feelings. or my children. they keep photos of my husband and his x gf from over 5 years ago around there house, they show my children who are very young pictures of there daddy kissing other women and they have also added these photos to our wedding ablum.and never stop talk bout her. my husband has asked them to stop and to get rid of them but they say im forcing him to ask them to do it and im being unfair to there feelings. please let me know what you think, and would love some addvise, thanks xx
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female
reader, karenw61 +, writes (22 July 2006):
dont be silly
you are his future its time to let go of the past. if his parents cant, as your husband and you being his new wife its up to him to make them understand and if he wont well does he really care about you?????
regards karen
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (22 July 2006):
 They are YOUR children, do not let them be exposed to the in-law's gross behavior. "Unless this nonsense stops you will not see the grandkids", put that in their pipes and let them smoke it! Be firm for you children's sake. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2006): Do not go back to inlaws untill ground rules are set and respect is in place.Your husband knows how much this hurts you he will understand and will back you up good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2006): These people do not love their son. They love themselves. Your husband was raised in a hurtful, manipulative and emotionally destructive home. How unfortunate for him. How did he survive?
Irish is right, it isn't about you it is about them.
"You will always remain a victim until you forgive."
How many generations did this transmitting of self involvement and common disregard for others occur?
Congratulations to your husband for wanting to promote change.
For the sake of your children, boundaries need to be put in place.
If you know that going to the in-laws means another parade of the other women; don't go there. It is clear that is an unsafe place meaning their is no love, support and they are in fact teaching your children to be more like them and hate. Not good.
Discuss all decisions and choices with your husband.
I recommend a good book for your husband and you to read. It is by Stephen R. Covey and it is titled " The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families." This is a "WE" book to read and discuss and put to practice the counsel that is offered in it.
What you have done was expressed your concerns with your loving and supportive husband, made aware your needs.
He then took it to heart and chose to inform his parents as he loves you and doesn't want to hurt you.
You did right. His parents don't have this in their home so to them; they want to see and create motives that will enable them to hate and continue to be destructive.
You have a sense of family and never let others take that away. You did good.
You both want to love and work and congratulations on getting married!
*hugs*
Stay strong.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthankyou so much. i was starting to feel like i was in the wrong. like i said my children are very young, 4yrs 16mnth and 1mnth. the little ones dont understand the photos but its not nice for them to see there daddy with a tongue down someone elses throat all there lives. my eldest has asked me wheres daddys girlfriend, wheres my new mummy, and why is daddy to good for you. as you can imagion it hurts to think your in-laws are teaching your child this. thankyou for letting me realise im not the one in the wrong. xxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2006): The only way to combat this stuff is to ignore the crap and withdraw, emotionally. If you have to be around them-always, always remain polite, but be a bit distant/ detached and remember their inappropriate behavior is about them, not you. It seems your husband has spoken to them but it's not enough because he allowing them to continue 'yanking him around'. He's going to have to be firmer because it's his job to deal with his parent's behaviours. But if this is the way his parents like to 'control people's lives and lash out, this could be an impossible task for him. He is going to have to learn to be stronger in order to protect you and the kids around these people and not let his family to continue this onslaught of pain on you and the kids. This will be a long term process. Sometimes in life, even when we love others such as troubling in-laws, we do have to withdraw from their toxicity, in order to protect those we love. Withdraw, back off and maybe over time, they will finally get the hint. I would talk to your husband...and seriously come up with a plan where both of you are in synch. I suggest, if you are visiting these people and they start up with the BS- you, your husband and the kids just politely get up and leave. We can't change people's attitudes and behaviours but we can change how we reactand respond to such things, in life. You have a challenging time ahead of you. I sincerely hope your in-laws will come to the realization that their family do love them, but they need a lesson in human respect and regard. Your marriage is young, so take this situation and learn from it. Make sure to always keep communicating lovingly, maturely and openly to your husband about how the both of you as man and wife, will keep continuing to support each other, at stressful times like this. This is how solidarity and the bonds are built, over time. Good luck, hun and hang in there.
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A
male
reader, Tray-c +, writes (21 July 2006):
 They are well out of line, its bad enough mentioning ex's in the first few months of courting but 5 months married is ridiculous!! You say to your husband exactly how you feel and say to him that his parents won't see their grandkids until they cop themselves on, and as for the pictures in the wedding album thats ludricous take those pics out asap, what they deserve is a good slap!!! Hope things work out
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